My lover was about to leave his wife and children but now hasn’t called in weeks
DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE been having a passionate affair with a guy who can’t seem to make up his mind whether it is me he wants or his wife.
He says he loves me but treats me as an option rather than a priority. I am 33 and he is 42. We met through a mutual friend who was celebrating her 40th birthday. I got chatting to him and we had a lot in common.
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We were almost flirting but discreet because his wife was looking over. We swapped numbers, though, and he called a few days later.
We went for a drink, flirted a lot more and ended up sharing our feelings. He said his marriage wasn’t great.
When he went home, he told his wife we had met and they separated a few days later. We then started our affair and I was blown away by how hot the sex was. But his wife said she would harm herself if they divorced.
He panicked and moved back in with her. We carried on seeing one another, though. He is a very caring, sensual lover. He told me he had fallen in love with me.
His wedding anniversary rolled around and his wife had booked a weekend away but he told her their marriage wasn’t working and he was leaving.
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TEENAGERS are transitioning from children to adults, working out their own values separate from their parents. So of course there are clashes.
But that does not make it OK for them to behave as they like or get their way at home with threatening behaviour.
My e-leaflet on Troubles With Teenagers can help parents work out and enforce effective boundaries.
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He seemed really happy that he could finally be with me and see where it took us.
His family put pressure on him to try again with his wife, if only for the sake of the children. He has two little girls, aged seven and nine. He bowed to their pressure and returned home. I was devastated.
I saw him after lockdown started, when he helped me with some DIY at my flat, and we had more great sex. But then I began to feel a change.
He stopped phoning and messaging. When I did manage to talk to him, he said he’d had to distance himself from me because he had been having some good times with his wife.
Now he hasn’t been in touch for weeks. He has just fitted back into his old life, while I’m on my own.
How can he love me and his wife at the same time? He says he has been honest with me but I have fallen deeply in love with him and feel so hurt. What should I do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: It is risky to get involved with a married person. Your lover seems to have been honest with you but his children will weigh heavily on him.
If there is hope for his marriage, he is right in trying to make it work. Best accept that and wish him well, rather than hope things change.
You could find yourself waiting a long time while your life ticks by. He knows he can’t put his heart into his marriage if you stay in touch and a clean break is best for you too.
Yes, it will hurt for a while. But focus on building a new life and meeting someone new.
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