Money troubles have made my son blame me for leaving his cheating dad
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN the man I love and the father of my son admitted he was leading a double life, my heart was ripped apart.
I met him when I was only 20. He was my boss at a big packaging company. His work involved a lot of travel and he started taking me with him.
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He wined and dined me and I fell in love with him. We became lovers even though he was 20 years older than me.
He told me he was divorced — that it was a loveless, childless marriage.
He bought a beautiful flat and I went to live with him there.
This was nearly 20 years ago.
I fell pregnant with our son and when he was born I could enjoy being a full-time mother as his dad earned enough for me not to have to work. Life seemed perfect.
My partner still travelled a lot with his work but was usually home at least half the week and was caring and supportive.
One day, an official-looking letter fell out of a pile of paperwork on his desk.
It was addressed to him but at a different address from our flat or his office.
I asked him about it and he blustered at first, then admitted he was still married and living with his wife and their children the days he wasn’t with us.
He’d been promoted and didn’t travel much with his job any more.
He said he loved me and our son, but didn’t commit to leaving his other family.
I loved him — I love him still — but couldn’t cope with the lies and betrayal.
In the end I moved my son and me into another flat.
His dad paid maintenance and sometimes saw our child but wasn’t reliable.
I was always honest with my son that he had two older half-siblings. When he turned 18 last year he met them.
They got on well but he now blames me for how different his upbringing was from theirs.
They were brought up in a big house, went to private school and had cars as soon as they were 17.
The maintenance his dad paid me was not enough to fund that sort of lifestyle.
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I think my son now believes I should have stuck with his dad, as this is what his father has said he wanted all along.
I am devastated to think after all these years that I was the one in the wrong.
DEIDRE SAYS: You weren’t in the wrong.
Your son’s father deceived you – and his wife and other children – cruelly.
Just think what it would have done to your feelings and self-esteem to have accepted being his part-time partner.
It’s tough on your son.
Maybe he would have been materially better off if you had stayed with his dad.
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But he is stronger and emotionally healthier for having a mother who knew she and he deserved better than to be a part-time secret.
Talk to him about how difficult the decision to leave was back then, but stand your ground.
I hope he will soon come round.
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