Gordon Ramsay’s Bank Balance is a dreadful mess… bring us back Bradley Walsh
TWENTY minutes into his new career as a quiz show host, BBC1’s Gordon Ramsay started sending out distress signals. “Where in the frick are we going?” he wanted to know. Nowhere near the Baftas, I thought, but I didn’t have a more specific answer for him. By that stage, I was already too lost and […]
TWENTY minutes into his new career as a quiz show host, BBC1’s Gordon Ramsay started sending out distress signals.
“Where in the frick are we going?” he wanted to know.
Nowhere near the Baftas, I thought, but I didn’t have a more specific answer for him.
By that stage, I was already too lost and confused by all the stacks, zones and penalties that come with Gordon’s new three-week series Bank Balance.
There’s also the added distraction of the show’s set, which was either one of Dr Who’s old Tardis interiors or an attempt to recreate the aftermath of Blue Whale beaching on Blackpool’s Golden Mile.
A lot of panic-stricken activity went on inside that place but I began to lose faith and interest in all of it the moment Gordon introduced the show by claiming: “It couldn’t be simpler.”
Always a sure sign some-one’s about to lie to you — and in this case blind you with quiz show science.
So what the hell is happening here?
Well, stripped of all its sub-clauses, Bank Balance is Jenga meets Millionaire, with much noisier and thicker contestants.
The bar was set pretty low by an opening brother/sister combo called Tobi and Tosin who were completely thrown when Gordon asked them to: “Name two characters who appear in all 12 episodes of Fawlty Towers.”
“The Mexican geezer who wears a hat and a moustache. Miguel.”
Then things got even dumber with the next couple, Lindsey and Vicki.
“Name four US states that begin with a vowel.”
“What’s a vowel?”
With questions that simple, though, not even Bank Balance contestants could avoid a correct answer which required them to pile money-winning gold bars on an unstable bit of kit called The Board and then avoid collapsing them.
Isambard Kingdom Brunel would’ve thrown his hands up in despair at this task, after a year or two trying to calculate The Board’s parabolic arc, mass distribution and centre of percussion, so it’s no real surprise it gave Dumb and Dumber the kittens.
The star of the show, though, was meant to be Gordon, who’s a Will-o’-the-wisp presence on Bank Balance, swearing one moment, spouting fluent LA cobblers the next: “I love the synergy” and then having to remind contestants: “Psst. I’m still here.”
He had to do this because, a lot of the time, Gordon’s out of shot or bent double, with his back to the camera, trying to work out what on earth’s going on with The Board.
If the host can’t see what’s going on, of course, the thought probably should’ve occurred to the BBC that the viewers can’t see what’s going on either.
But it didn’t. Nor did pennies drop when one of the contestants admitted she’d been trying to crack this prime-time show by reading Nasa’s website.
So they’re stuck now with Bank Balance, a dreadful mess of an afternoon quiz show dressed up as prime-time entertainment that looks like the last television resort even in a global pandemic.
The best I can possibly say for it is that it’s clarified my own view of quiz shows and their hosts.
To watch Gordon on Bank Balance is to understand the natural genius of Bradley Walsh — who’s funny, smart, fast-thinking, engaged and on the side of the contestants.
Because where the self-absorbed chef has ego, Bradley has empathy, which cannot be taught.
So there’s no point wishing, hoping, teaching or doing anything other than taking severe issue with something Gordon said in episode two.
“Falkirk’s not a city. It’s a s***hole.” You think? YOU THINK? Then you haven’t seen Grangemouth, pal. That’s a s***hole.
The Gags go from the bad to the Wars
A TEXTBOOK case of the blind leading the blind on the first episode of Channel 4’s Stand Up And Deliver two-parter, this week.
Five celebrities, Shaun Ryder, Katie McGlynn, Curtis Pritchard, Baroness Sayeeda Warsi and Rev Richard Coles were taught how to be comedians by Jason Manford, Zoe Lyons, Judi Love, Nick Helm and David Baddiel.
A challenge with epic failure built into the fixtures and fittings, as Baddiel sort of admitted when he said: “If you left me in a room with Theresa May for two years I couldn’t have her telling you a joke.”
Theresa May says exactly the same thing about him, of course, which means the end results are as mixed and mortifying as you’d imagine.
So I should warn you that, if you’re thinking of persisting with this show, I’ve seen part two’s live performances and they’re bad. Really really bad.
Not only did one of the celebs forget their lines, on the big night, Love Island’s Curtis Pritchard was so inappropriately awful the charity crowd actually booed and my own head retreated into my torso, with embarrassment, like a giant tortoise who’d just been caught mounting a dustbin lid.
Several days later, it still hasn’t reappeared, just in case Curtis considers doing an encore.
But what chance did he really have when his teacher was Judi Love and David Baddiel began the night with this warm-up announcement for hecklers: “When I shout ‘HELLO’, I want you to shout ‘P*** OFF’. “Let’s try it . . . ” P*** OFF.
No need for formalities here, David.
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
Stand Up And Deliver, narrator Julia Davis: “Joining Nick and Jason are observational geniuses Judi Love and Zoe Lyons.”
Celebs Go Dating, Paul C Brunson: “Chloe (Ferry), you have an incredible personality.”
Good Morning Britain, Monday, Piers Morgan: “It can’t be easy being BBC Breakfast, we’re hammering them in the ratings.”
Official ratings, Monday: BBC Breakfast 1.4million viewers.
GMB 850,000 – which isn’t much more than Aled Jones and Lorraine got on Daybreak.
The BBC must be inconsolable, Piers.
Random TV irritations
THE endless condescending pleasure BBC shows like Lucy Worsley’s Blitz Spirit take in trashing and reworking British history to fit its woke 2021 agenda.
ITV’s Finding Alice clearing the way for a second series of planning application rows and grief-mongering.
BBC1 serving up four celebrity versions of existing shows on one Saturday night.
Channel 4’s effortlessly self-righteous It’s A Sin already looking unbeatable in the Most Over-rated Show of 2021 category.
And Celebs Go Dating D-lister Tom Zanetti drunkenly high-fiving fellow contestant Sophie Hermann over their school expulsion records while conceding: “It’s not something to celebrate . . . but look at us now, baby!”
Yeah. Look at you.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
TIPPING Point, Ben Shephard: “Two full days is equivalent to how many hours?”
Grace: “96.”
Lightning, Zoe Lyons: “In which classic board game are the Hippopotamus Defence and Queen’s Gambit opening moves?”
Shui: “Cluedo.”
Tenable, Warwick Davis: “Name the ten cities in Scotland and Wales that start with a consonant?”
Rhys: “I’m going for St Mirren.”
BZZZ. Nor will I accept Heart of Midlothian, Vale of Glamorgan, Aberbargoed Buds or Abba Reunion Tour.
TV Gold
JAMES NESBITT’S Bloodlands doing just about enough to keep me interested, on BBC1.
YouTube’s Joe Wicks proving funnier working out in an inflatable dinosaur costume than every single mainstream comedy show except Would I Lie To You?
The cheesily brilliant Ex Factor episode of BBC1’s escapist fun The Mallorca Files.
And Netflix’s Pele documentary, which is much sadder and darker than you’d expect, right from the moment the great man enters on a Zimmer frame, but it’s a must see for everyone who’s ever loved life, crowds, people, Brazil and what Kenneth Wolstenholme memorably described as “sheer delightful football”.
Piers jab
LIVE from Antigua, Piers Morgan’s favourite non-essential holiday destination, on Monday’s GMB we had record-breaking rower Jasmine Harrison who was asked by Chunk: “What on earth possessed you, in the middle of a global pandemic, to row across the Atlantic risking possible death?”
Yeah, Jasmine. Why not think, “Sod the consequences” and just fly there, like Piers?
Then lecture everyone else about the need to “make sacrifices”.
- INCIDENTALLY, if porky-talkie Piers is so dedicated to the idea of holding the powerful to account over Covid, why not invite the Chinese ambassador on to the show every day and then call it “a boycott” when he doesn’t appear? Or is it only one type of powerful person he wants to “hold to account”?
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is the disgruntled Yorkshire pudding pictured in Tuesday’s Sun and Corrie legend Ena Sharples.
Sent in by Dave Wolfe, Lancs. Picture research: Reena Ratan
Great sporting insights
CLINTON MORRISON: “Lingard has been brilliant. Look at his touch. Just not good enough.”
Kris Boyd: “People say it’s an easy finish and they’re 100 per cent right. But it’s not.”
Jeff Stelling: “Southampton have had one touch in the box with the two Minamino took for the goal.
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
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Exercise demonstration of the week?
BBC2’s Workout The Wright Way host Mark Wright thanking horizontal guest Saffron Barker with the words: “Guys, this is a plank.”
Harsh, but you know . . .
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