My boyfriend talks dirty in his sleep and I’m worried he might be gay
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend talks dirty in his sleep. It was funny at first but now I’m worried he might be gay. I’m 23, he’s 25 and we’ve been together for three years. He says I am all he wants but these night-time ramblings are getting more graphic and unsettling. After meeting at college, we […]
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend talks dirty in his sleep. It was funny at first but now I’m worried he might be gay.
I’m 23, he’s 25 and we’ve been together for three years. He says I am all he wants but these night-time ramblings are getting more graphic and unsettling.
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After meeting at college, we moved in together two years ago. He warned me back then he talked in his sleep.
Apparently it was a big family joke and an ex-girlfriend of his refused to stay the night with him because he talked so much.
I brushed that off but within a month I saw what they meant.
At first all I heard was incoherent ramblings. But then I started to pick out names — Molly, Ella and Sam kept coming up. He seemed to get very hot under the collar as he came out with these names.
One night he called out: “Molly, go faster! Faster!” I was convinced he must be cheating on me. The next morning I demanded to know who this woman was.
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He looked dumbfounded and insisted he didn’t know what I was talking about. When I explained what I’d heard, he dismissed it, saying: “I warned you, I can’t control my dreams.”
He did eventually reassure me that he wasn’t cheating and was happy with me.
Though I was still unsettled when he called out other women’s names, I was learning to deal with it. But things took a turn for the worse when he kept saying “Sam” over a period of nights — and I realised Sam wasn’t a woman but a man.
He was really graphic about the things he wanted Sam to do to him and now I’m worried again. How can he possibly be happy with me when he’s fantasising about having sex with another man?
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DEIDRE SAYS: Many people have sexual dreams about people and scenarios they would never entertain in real life.
His dreams of having sex with other men don’t necessarily mean he is gay – just as his dreams of sex with other women don’t mean he wants to be unfaithful with other women.
Talk to your boyfriend about his recent dreams, tell him you are concerned he might be gay and listen to him again.
As he reassured you with his dreams about women, he may well reassure you his dreams about men are similarly not related to conscious desires at all.
Our sexuality isn’t fixed and whether he is heterosexual or bisexual, he says he has chosen to be with you. If he does feel he might be gay, have a read of my support pack Gay Worries, which will help support you both.
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