Boyfriend wants to leave me for my transgender pal because I have vaginismus

DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend has said he wants to leave me for my transgender best friend. They have always got on and I considered myself lucky they had a good relationship. But now I finally realise why. I am 26 and my boyfriend is 25. We met at university. My best friend is also 26. She […]

DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend has said he wants to leave me for my transgender best friend.

They have always got on and I considered myself lucky they had a good relationship. But now I finally realise why.

I am 26 and my boyfriend is 25. We met at university. My best friend is also 26.

She has been living as a woman for the past two years and recently began the full transitioning process.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years and while it’s not always been smooth, I didn’t think we had a bad relationship.

The main issue is sex. We rarely try because I find penetrative sex painful. I’ve been told by my GP I have vaginismus.

We find other ways to be intimate, like showering together and giving each other massages.

A few times I’ve walked in on him pleasuring himself while watching porn but he’s never said he’s not satisfied — and I assumed he’d tell me if he was.

Clearly I was wrong. I’d spotted a one-bed flat on the market, about 20 minutes from his work, which I thought would be perfect for our first home.

But within minutes of me mentioning this, he started crying. He said: “I can’t pretend I’m happy any more. This isn’t working for me.”

At that moment, his phone rang. It was my best friend. I thought it was strange for her to call him directly, although they get on well. She normally FaceTimes me.

He gabbled: “I wanted to tell you . . . it’s early days but . . . we want to give us a go.”

I was dumbfounded. Apparently they’d bumped into each other in town and gone to the pub for a catch-up. That was two months ago and they’d been texting ever since.

He even admitted they’ve spent days together at her house when I’ve been at work. I’m heartbroken.

DEIDRE SAYS: The people you felt you could trust the most have been sneaking around behind your back. But if, as your boyfriend insists, this is what he wants, there is not much you can do. It takes two to make a relationship work.

You would be wise to step away from your friend for a while to work out how you feel. I am sending you my support pack Mending A Broken Heart.

It would also be a positive step if you would consider some counselling – and a psychosexual therapist specifically.

With their help you can overcome your vaginismus, which tends to have a psychological cause, and enjoy sex.