I can’t take Love Island any Amor, so it’s all yours…
LIKE all television reality shows, the seventh-best Love Island series out of seven got the winners it deserved.
Essex girl Millie and Welsh lad Liam, who said on their final date: “I can’t remember a time it wasn’t just me and you.” Apart from the time, of course, when it was him and Lillie, in Casa Amor.
Their future, though, is almost certainly set in stone and will play out in the usual bloody and abrupt fashion on ITVBe.
Love Island itself is probably slightly more secure, long-term, but no one can deny it’s now in the Big Brother phase of its life.
The once-charming and innocent show, with the funny commentary from Iain Stirling, has become just another cynical, manipulative money-making exercise, with more than £70million of commercial tie-ups and about 30,000 complaints to Ofcom this run.
It lasted a soul-destroying 57 episodes as well, so I hope I don’t need to explain that this annual quiz is a personal release for me rather than a celebration of anything ITV2 screened.
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There are no prizes, just answers at the foot of the page.
1. Which of these name compounds wasn’t ever a Love Island couple?
A) Faye and Teddy: “Feddy”.
B) Jake and Liberty: “Jiberty”. C) Priya and Jack: “Prick”.
2. Posh Priya was annoyed by something she thought deadly dull Brett liked eating. What was it?
A) Brie.
B) Chloe’s face.
C) Bananas with his feet.
3. Toby is a “professional footballer”. For what “well-known” team does he play?
A) Bayern Munich.
B) Real Madrid.
C) Hashtag United.
4. How many contestants were there this year?
A) 27.
B) 37.
C) Every single preening sod with a UK passport in the entire 18-to-30 demographic.
5. Jake’s self-described job as a “water engineer” could be more accurately described as what?
A) The head of maintenance operations at the Hoover Dam in Nevada.
B) Senior civil engineer on the Thames flood barrier.
C) Plumber from Weston- super-Mare.
6. What did commitment- phobic Hugo proudly proclaim he’d invented?
A) The no-night stand.
B) The half-night stand.
C) The portable, stainless-steel Mayo stand, which is used in complicated neurosurgery.
7. How did labourer Liam describe himself just before entering the villa on day four?
A) Mr Steal-your-girlfriend.
B) Mr Steal-your-Giro.
C) Mr Steal-your-pants-while -I’m-knocking-through-a- supporting-wall-to-create-a-kitchen-diner.
8. Complete Sharon’s sentence: “I already stand out in . . .”
A) “Milan Fashion Week.”
B) “Vanity Fair’s Oscars party.”
C) “Didcot.”
9. What romantic gesture did Jake make immediately after kissing Liberty for the first time?
A) He stroked her hair and said: “I love you.”
B) Gazed at her adoringly and whispered, “You’re the one.”
C) Farted loudly and said: “Chew on that.”
10. Student Brett is doing a PhD in what deadly serious subject?
A) Exercise and health.
B) Sunbathing and beach tennis.
C) Paintballing and the Italian Reformation.
11. What claim did Danny make about his future?
A) “I’m going to have a place in LA and a Lamborghini.”
B) “I’m going to have a park bench and can of Thunderbird.”
C) “I’m going to scratch my nuts and watch TV.”
12. What did Faye say she’d like her superpower to be?
A) “I’d love to be invisible.”
B) “I’d love to be inaudible.”
C) “I’d love to be able to drink half a bottle of Prosecco without losing my s**t and screaming “F*** off” at everyone.”
13. Archetypal Englishman Hugo said what, straight after kissing Amy?
A) “Thank God that’s over.”
B) “Job done.”
C) “What did you say your name was again?”
14. What job did Sharon say she was doing before entering the villa?
A) “I was working on the Government’s EU policy.”
B) “I was working on the bins in Swindon.”
C) “I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar.”
15. Faye got something very special from her parents for her 18th birthday. What?
A) A book token.
B) A 12-month subscription to New Statesman.
C) An actual boob job. From her ACTUAL parents. Of all people.
Katie’s orbs a big flop
FIRST it was Duncan James’ aubergine.
Then came Megan McKenna’s trout.
But this week Celebrity MasterChef really went for broke with the suggestive ingredients when they presented viewers with . . . “Katie Price’s dumplings”.
Large, unwieldy orbs, “with yellow stuff on the outside”, which looked about as appetising as, well, Katie Price’s dumplings. Their appearance was “so shocking”, in fact, that Katie claimed: “I’m not even going to put these dumplings on a plate.”
Which was a genuine first for the girl and probably meant they ended up in the same landfill site as her 34FF Zeppelins.
The worst possible start to the week, you’d think, but Celebrity MasterChef was so clearly smitten with the idea, they got Katie to cook dumplings again on Tuesday night.
Biggest irritant
They were of the Chinese variety this time, although everything John Torode said sounded more like a medical disclaimer from an Iranian breast-lift clinic: “If Katie oversteams those dumplings, the filling will have no moisture, the skins will split and all the moisture from the chicken will escape and then you won’t have lovely, moist-filled dumplings.”
Yet, as eye-watering as the commentary got, the amazing thing about this week’s MasterChef was that Katie wasn’t even close to being the biggest attention-seeker or irritant in the famous BBC1 kitchen.
How could she be, when bellowing away at the next table we had Stacey Solomon’s partner Joe Swash?
A man who’s pushing 40 but still conducts conversations at 130 decibels and only ever in one direction.
Perhaps mindful, though, of last week’s snoreathon, with Megan McKenna and Penny Lancaster, the hosts indulged him right up until the point Gregg Wallace unleashed this barb during the Indian takeaway round.
“Your lassi’s a little thick, Joe.”
A bit harsh, Gregg. She’s just a little off the pace on Loose Women.
Random TV irritations
MICK CARTER becoming the millionth man to burn food on EastEnders.
ITV2’s Laura “You’ve been on a journey” Whitmore screeching her way through the Love Island results. Baptiste’s British ambassador, Emma Chambers, suddenly turning Irish whenever her character’s stressed. And the dreadful new woke version of Football Focus, where on Saturday they devoted nearly five minutes to an Afghan refugee who used to play for Denmark’s women, but just 17 seconds to the dementia plight of the one and only King Denis Law. Which as acts of crass, virtue-signalling, self-sabotage go, looks unbeatable.
But you just know even worse is to come.
Going chakras
WHAT Ferne McCann’s “crystal healer” actually said to her on ITVBe’s First Time Mum, right: “I’m going to look today at where you are blocked within your energy fields.
“I’m going to open up your chakras with this sound bowl. I’ve put some black tourmaline between your ankles and some amethyst on your sacral and this will help absorb any negative energy.”
What I heard: “You’re a gullible moron.”
MUST admit, I was wondering where that rent-a-mob audience came from, at the Love Island final.
I got the answer, though, when Faye responded to Laura Whitmore’s question “What does the future hold?” “I’m going to leave Devon.”
(Wild and spontaneous cheering and applause.)
Devonians.
ENTRIES to the “political prediction of the year” contest are now closed.
The winner was Good Morning Britain’s resident flat-earther Kevin Maguire, from January 20: “Joe Biden puts inspiring words into practical deeds and he’ll be a good US president.”
Yeah. Won’t he just, Kev.
Unexpected morons in the bagging area
TIPPING POINT, Ben Shephard: “Someone described as an Old Harrovian attended which famous English public school?”
Jasmine: “Rugby school.”
Rolling In It, Stephen Mulhern: “What is the name of Scotland’s longest river?”
Lisa Riley: “Loch Ness.”
Take Off, Bradley Walsh: “On which continent would you find Lake Titicaca?”
Juliet: “Hawaii.”
Great sporting insights
SHANE WARNE: “The one thing about Liam Livingstone is there’s two things.”
Sol Campbell: “Lukaku’s a clever player now. I’m not going to say ‘now’. But he’s a clever player now.” Conor McNamara: “A late equaliser for Wigan. Could that be the winner?”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Lookalike of the week
THIS week’s winner is Anton Du Beke and Metro Man from Megamind. Emailed in by Bailey James.
Picture research: Amy Reading
TV Gold
ONLY one thing really fits the description “TV Gold” this week.
It’s Murray Bartlett’s astonishing performance as Armond, the resort manager at The White Lotus, on Sky Atlantic.
A series which is a bit like Benidorm, but set in Hawaii, with American guests who are far richer and more screwed up than their British equivalents.
So, now I think about it, nothing like Benidorm at all.
But The White Lotus is as good as US drama gets and a lot better than anything we’ve done here in a while (Sky Atlantic, Thursday, 9pm).