I’m a self-confessed narcissist who gaslit exes & cheated on my wife for 8 years – here are the signs YOU’RE dating one
A SELF-CONFESSED narcissist has revealed the signs YOU could be dating someone like him.
Ben Taylor, from Chesapeake, Virginia, now educates others about the personality disorder on his TikTok accounts (@rawmotivations and @bentaylor300) where he has more than 30,000 followers, alongside his full-time job.
The 33-year-old admits he gaslit his exes and cheated on his wife for eight years, before realising he was a narcissist.
Here he tells Fabulous his story:
Throughout my life, I have always felt like there was something different with me – how I handled emotions, the ways I connected with people and the lack of empathy I felt.
Growing up, I found I was always in relationships, starting another as soon as one ended – or even before it had.
In August 2013, I got married and hoped these habits would change now I was somebody’s husband. But they did not.
After the first year of marriage, I found myself in an affair – cheating with multiple women over the next eight years.
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During those years, my wife experienced the worst of me as I would gaslight her (make her feel crazy for the truth), manipulate, lie and cheat, all while maintaining a good and prestigious image at work.
As our relationship crumbled, my lies started unravelling, leading me to question who I was and why I was acting this way.
At first, I thought it might be a curse, something I was destined to repeat. Other times I would blame myself, for acting in a way I now realise was beyond my control.
One day, while talking to my wife and in a rare moment of vulnerability, I said, “Maybe I am a sociopath or something.” We talked about it, Googled the definition and she said maybe I was narcissistic.
I became defensive, insisting I was not a narcissist. But I was curious and over the next couple of weeks, I started discussing it with the women I was having affairs with. They too insisted I was not a narcissist, so I continued to gaslight my wife and deny it.
But as much as I denied it, deep down I realised I was a narcissist. I still didn’t want to admit it, I didn’t even want to believe it, but the facts were staring me in the face every time I read another personality attribute.
I realised how I always went for what I desired, regardless of anyone else’s thoughts, opinions or feelings.
I grew up in a religious family and had always struggled with certain aspects of it because of my narcissism – the idea I should love God more than myself, not have pride and be a better person.
All the advice I received didn’t help me, because I couldn’t admit the lies I was telling every day. Lies that separated me from my wife, disconnected me from my inner being and who I really was and lies I told myself about God and my faith.
With time, the help of close friends and a support group called Wake Up Warrior, I was finally able to break the surface of the façade and the lies that held me captive.
Ben’s red flags you're dating a narcissist:
Liar, liar: Someone who’s prone to stretching the truth, even if it’s in a joking way, will have no issue telling you more serious lies. Be careful and make sure you’re developing a relationship based on trust.
Pushing boundaries: Narcissists do not like having rules or limits imposed on them. If you’re communicating your comfortable limits, and they keep pushing those, beware.
No, no, no: Narcissists are often emotionally insecure and entitled. To test them, try telling them ‘no’ and see how they respond. If they’re incapable of hearing the word, that’s a red flag.
Fault lines: A narcissist will never admit they did anything wrong, it’s almost impossible for them. The only way they’ll say sorry for their actions is if they know they can manipulate something out of that apology. Sound familiar?
My wife stuck by me and, with her support, I’ve managed to become a better husband. We even have a two-year-old daughter together.
It’s an everyday battle but one I fight because I want to be better. I want to grow. I don’t want to go back to the life that I lived, hurting others the way I did.
My goal now is to raise awareness of narcissism. To help people know and understand that it is real, it is valid, and it is vital to know how to deal with it. I try to help others like me see it is possible to change and grow into better people.
I want to offer closure and healing to those who have dated narcissists, and never got the answers they were after in the relationship.
But I also want to change how people see narcissism and show the importance of getting people into therapy.
If you want to know more, you can interact with me on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube, and Facebook under the name Raw Motivations or visit my new site Raw Motivations to schedule a time to speak with me one-on-one.
You can follow Ben on TikTok, Instagram, YouTube or Facebook.
An expert view
Stina Sanders, 30, is a psychodynamic therapist specialising in narcissistic abuse recovery.
SIGNS YOU’RE DATING A NARCISSIST
1. You instantly have a ‘connection’: Narcissists are charming, confident and charismatic. In the courtship phase, they often use a tactic called ‘love bombing’, where they shower you with gifts, praise, affection and constant contact. This is to lull the victim into a false sense of security. While it may feel good in the moment, it is often a red flag sign you are being manipulated.
2. You feel you’ve met your perfect match: Another manipulation tactic narcissists use is ‘mirroring’. This is where the narc reflects your likes, dislikes, dreams, passions, etc. to intensify the “bond”. It can feel as if you’ve met your soulmate or perfect match. But if someone seems too good to be true, it’s most likely because they are.
3. Changes after commitment: As soon as the narcissist has you, they become disinterested and that’s when the devaluing stage starts. The gifts and praise will slowly stop – and could be replaced by emotional abuse such as gaslighting, verbal abuse such as shouting or physical abuse.
4. They can’t handle criticism: Is your partner sensitive if you pull them up on their poor behaviour? Do they quickly perceive your constructive criticism as an insult? Do they get angry when they don’t get their way? Are they entitled and resistant to follow rules?
5. You can’t speak your mind: Because narcissists are self-absorbed, they put their needs first and have have zero interest in yours. The only time they may appear to be doing something for you, or in your interests, is when it benefits them. Otherwise they’ll either ignore your needs or ridicule them.
6. All of their exes are ‘psycho’: When the narcissist talks about their ex, you may hear the words crazy, psycho, unstable etc. Narcissists criticise their exes for a number of reasons, firstly, it’s their way of building you up. They are essentially telling you that you are better. It also paints them as a victim, so you can pity them.
7. They have victims in the sidelines: Narcs often have exes who are still in their lives as “friends”. The narcissist hates to give up a good source of supply, whether that comes in the form of sex or attention. They will often have people in the sidelines who they will continue to manipulate and string along, so that when your relationships ends they can slip a ‘backup’ in your place.
8. Something feels ‘off’ but you don’t know why: Narcissists enjoy messing with your sense of reality. They need your self-esteem low and your self-doubt high, and rely heavily on ‘gaslighting’.
9. It’s all about them: The narcissist is fascinated by one thing and one thing only — themselves. Often boastful, you may notice any time you are talking about something, they redirect the conversation back to themselves.
10. You make excuses for their behaviour: If you find yourself telling friends ‘things will get better’ justifying your partner’s toxic behaviour because they had a ‘bad childhood’, you need to take a step back and pause. You may be trying to rationalise an abusive relationship, which won’t actually help.
- I’m dating a narcissist – what should I do?
You cannot change a person with narcissistic personality disorder or make them happy by loving them. Narcissists can’t feel fulfilled in relationships, or in any area of their lives, because nothing is ever special enough for them. If you believe you are dating a narcissist, the best thing you can do is leave. If there are no ties such as children, block and go no contact. If there are shared responsibilities, seek legal advice or have a trusted family member or friend assist with communication. It is likely a narcissist will make attempts to contact you and harass you during the break-up, so it’s important to stick to no contact.
I recommend going to a therapist who specialises in dealing with narcissists, so they can help you recognise the narcissistic abuse cycle/red flags, as well as work through the grief and anxiety you might be feeling.