Clarkson’s Farm was best TV show of 2021 by a country mile … but Vigil was really sub standard
IT was the year Italy won Euro 2020, the men’s Olympic 100 metres, the Eurovision Song Contest and even The Great British Bake Off, thanks to Guiseppe Dell’Anno. An Italian, Giovanni Pernice, also partnered Strictly winner Rose Ayling-Ellis and, if they’d been allowed to enter, Italy would probably have won Squid Game as well. While […]
IT was the year Italy won Euro 2020, the men’s Olympic 100 metres, the Eurovision Song Contest and even The Great British Bake Off, thanks to Guiseppe Dell’Anno.
An Italian, Giovanni Pernice, also partnered Strictly winner Rose Ayling-Ellis and, if they’d been allowed to enter, Italy would probably have won Squid Game as well.
While they filled their boots, Piers Morgan turned himself into an ex-GMB employee, comedy became a rarity, domestic dramas were consumed by wokery and BBC1’s Alex Scott was compulsory.
Redemption came in the form of some brilliant American dramas, a few superb home-grown documentaries and Jeremy Clarkson, who turned 1,000 beautiful acres of Cotswolds farm into the purest form of TV Gold.
These are my awards for the very best and worst of 2021’s telly.
The Alan Whicker Award for excellence in travel show presenting: Channel 5’s Big Weekend Away, Istanbul.
Location: An eaterie filled with charcoal grills, skewers, cubes of meat and stacks of pita bread.
Gregg Wallace: “So, what sort of restaurant is this?”
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Local tour guide: “Gregg, this is called . . . a kebab restaurant.”
For the record, Gregg also thinks: “The best thing about Venice is the views.”
Worst medical condition: Celebrity MasterChef, Su Pollard: “I’m having a flipping orgasm over pasta. What’s wrong with me?” You’re cannelonely.
Biggest disappointment: The BBC’s Olympic coverage.
Blighted by a woke agenda, time differences, a lack of access and basic news sense, far too little of Hazel Irvine and Gaby Logan and far too much of Clare Balding and Alex Scott.
Greatest sporting insight: Inevitably, Paul Merson: “Spurs have got seven match winners in their team and two on the bench. That’s eight match winners in their squad.”
This Morning’s caption of the year: The vet slot: “Yvette — Is my rabbit a lesbian?” No, she just doesn’t want to Roger rabbit.
TV name of the year: The production manager on More4’s Deutschland 89, Michael Wanka, who’s definitely not to be confused with a certain former Death Wish director.
Best drama: I loved Time, with Sean Bean and the magnificent Stephen Graham, Kate Winslet’s heroics in Mare Of Easttown, Nicola Walker’s farewell in Unforgotten, Gomorrah and Adrian “Ted Hastings” Dunbar and the AC-12 gang holding Line Of Duty together.
But the drama I watched again and again was The White Lotus, on Sky Atlantic, with the outstanding Murray Bartlett going the extra mile as Armond, the resort manager.
It’s as good as telly gets. Just don’t leave your luggage with him.
Worst drama: It was the year British drama became unforgivably woke, formulaic and ponderous, so take your pick between Angela Black, Doctor Who, EastEnders, Coronation Street’s “Horror nation Street” episodes, The Beeb’s we-know-better-than-Jules-Verne version of Around The World In 80 Days, The Serpent, Finding Alice, Too Close, Baptiste, Viewpoint, The Pact, Innocent, Channel 5’s black, bisexual and boring Anne Boleyn and Ridley Road.
But the one that annoyed me most was probably BBC1’s submarine drama Vigil, where Suranne Jones’s DCI Silva suffered post-traumatic lesbian disorder and Lt/Cdr Hennessy did the decent thing when he shouted: “Sir. There’s a high-level bilge warning.”
The dramas that got away: They may well be unparalleled works of genius, but the moral grandstanding of It’s A Sin, the competitive swearing on Succession and Squid Game’s sadism all left me a bit cold.
Fantasist of the year: In March, Meghan (accompanied by Harry) told “her truth”, on ITV, to an entirely credulous Oprah Winfrey, who blinked at none of the Duchess’s tales of the unexpected.
Not even the bit where she claimed Buckingham Palace hosts “tabloid holiday parties”.
Along with, presumably, Bloc Parties, SClub parties and Noel’s House Parties.
Hypocrite of the year: Paloma Faith who, when not advertising Skodas, could be found on BBC2’s documentary As I Am, claiming: “The virus is because people didn’t pick up rubbish and they used their cars and aeroplanes too much, so the world was crying,” while sat in her car and shortly before boarding a long-haul flight to Australia.
Worst ornithological advice: Spring- watch, Iolo Williams: “If ever you get approached, on some RSPB estates, by someone who wants to show you a black cock lek, then please do it. It’s fabulous.” DON’T. Run like hell.
Animal fact of the year: “Her bloated body contains huge ovaries which produce eggs non-stop. She lays one every three seconds, 24 hours a day, for 25 years — a productivity unmatched in the natural world.”
The Mating Game’s narrator Sir David Attenborough on African termite queens. Or was it Katie Price: My Crazy Life. I forget.
Toughest paper round: The Larkins’ Mariette, who’s “19” going on 47.
The monkey tennis award: Celebrity Trash Monsters: What’s Your Waste Size? Channel 4 gets John Barnes, Kerry Katona and Jodie Kidd to wear the contents of their bins in tailor-made suits, for a fortnight, in order to “make the celebrities feel the full weight of their consumption”.
A second episode isn’t believed to be in production.
Psychic of the year: This Morning’s favourite, Jemima Packington (AKA “The Asparamancer”) who told the Daily Star, in June: “The Three Lions won’t have it easy. But, ultimately, they will be champions of the competition (Euro 2020).
“A certain Mr Southgate is going to be over the moon his team is bringing it home.”
Worst dancer: Second place, Greg Wise (Strictly Come Dancing).
First place, Emma Thompson (An Audience With Adele).
Best documentaries: Hunting The Essex Lorry Killers, The Man Who Fell From The Sky, Lance, the reliably gripping 24 Hours In Police Custody, Boxing And The Mob, The Vanishing At The Cecil Hotel, Terry Venables: A Man Can Dream, Max Clifford: The Fall Of A Tabloid King, Kate Garraway’s Finding Derek, The Story Of Us, Football’s Darkest Secrets, Killing Escobar, Our Wild Adventures: Land Of The Tiger, Four Hours At The Capitol, Look Away and Azzurri: Road To Wembley.
But if I had to recommend just two, it would be BBC2’s Gods Of Snooker and Gabriel Clarke’s Sky Store masterpiece Finding Jack Charlton, which was both unbearably sad and touchingly beautiful.
Worst documentaries: Channel 4’s My First Threesome and Breastfeeding My Boyfriend, BBC2’s As I Am, with Paloma Faith, and BBC1’s Greta Thunberg: A Year To Change The World, which really did show The Beeb at its grovelling, right-on worst.
Biggest quiz show curveball: Re: Tipping Point: ”With which sport do you associate Johnny Revolta and Wiffy Cox?” All of them, except netball, surely?
Best show: I’ll hear rival claims for Mare Of Easttown and The White Lotus and take all the accusations of favouritism you’ve got, but I still think it’s Clarkson’s Farm, a gem of a TV show, with a cast list that no TV dramatist could ever make up.
If you love Clarkson, you’ll adore Clarkson’s Farm. If you hate Clarkson, you’ll probably love it even more.
What’s undeniable is that eight episodes of this Amazon show have done more for farming than 32 years of Countryfile through the simple virtue of explaining it in a funny, sympathetic and eye-opening style.
Please watch, if you haven’t already. Episode six is the one where a sheep boots Clarkson in the nuts.
Worst show: A packed field, which included: BBC1’s Pooch Perfect (Britain’s 16 best dog groomers battling it out for the title of Greatest Canine A**e Washer 2021), Celebrity Best Home Cook, Celebrity Karaoke Club, This Is My House, with Stacey Dooley, Cooking With The Stars, All Star Musicals, with Robert Peston singing Luck Be A Lady, while dressed as Charles Hawtrey, the all-new woke version of Alex Scott’s Football Focus, Vernon Kay’s Game Of Talents, Alastair Campbell’s shift hosting GMB, Steph’s Packed Lunch, the Bafta-winning Life & Rhymes, Ashley Banjo’s latest Total Wipeout rip-off The Void, Yesterday, Today And The Day Before, E4’s horrific Naked, Alone And Racing To Get Home and Apocalypse Wow, an ITV2 show that, to the best of my understanding, was an S&M version of Gladiators.
Yet, on reflection, with the year stretched out in front of me, I’m still not sure any of them were as bad as Gordon Ramsay’s Bank Balance.
A quiz show that was such a confusion of props, engineering, rules, sub-clauses, thick contestants and awkward silences that I had no specific answer for the poor tormented host when he screamed: “Where the frick are we going?”
Except: “Nowhere near a second series.”
May it all improve in 2022. Happy new year.
Dumbest quiz show answers
TIPPING POINT: Lucky Stars, Ben Shephard: “What foodstuff is often grown in paddy fields?”
Stacey Solomon: “Potatoes.”
Ben Shephard: “In his epic poems, Homer refers to nectar as the drink of the gods and which other substance as their food?”
Dom: “I think I’ll go with doughnuts please, Ben.”
The Chase, Bradley Walsh: “Which Welsh singer is the main character in the musical Tom?”
Ollie: “Charlotte Church.”
Tenable, Warwick Davis: “We’re looking for the ten most populated cities in France?”
Nikita: “Andover.”
The Weakest Link, Romesh Ranganathan: “In employment, the abbreviation WFH usually stands for what three-word phrase?”
Jennie Bond: “What fish are you?”
Best Olympic names
HONOURABLE mentions for Shushila Likmabam (India, judo), Dong Dong (China, trampoline), Annie Kunz (US, heptathlon) and Lukas Wank (Germany, basketball).
But they were all beaten by Togo’s Kokou Dodji Fanny who was knocked out in the first table tennis round, much to the relief of the commentators.
FILTHIEST CORNER: Olympic rowing, Garry Herbert: “New Zealand take it out in lane one, just short, stubby strokes, getting it up so they can whip it out in the first 100 metres with nothing but pure, raw power and . . .”
Aaaaand breathe, Garry.
Best live TV moment
HONOURABLE mentions for Barry Humphries congratulating Dermot O’Leary on his “bravery in coming out”, on This Morning, Rose Ayling-Ellis’s silent Strictly dance, Graham Norton’s Eurovision commentary and Ant & Dec’s brilliant I’m A Celeb trolling of Boris Johnson: “Evening Prime Minister . . . for now.”
But it has to be Piers Morgan storming out of Good Morning Britain – “Sorry, can’t do this” – after taking the raging hump with occasional weatherman Alex Beresford over Meghan Markle.
In doing so Piers also claimed the “Tantrum Of The Year” title, just ahead of Love Island harridan Faye Winter, who notched up 25,000 Ofcom complaints with one outburst, and Patsy Palmer, who cut short a GMB interview over the caption “Addict to wellness guru”, which should, of course, have read: “Shouty bollocks off EastEnders.”
WORST MARKETING FAIL: Channel 4’s Breastfeeding My Boyfriend, which featured all manner of jug-nuzzling little creeps and a West Country internet “entrepreneur” called Milky Mummy, who combined her love of expensive lingerie with “squirting” videos, but hadn’t trademarked the phrase, “The Milky Bras are on me”.
EXERCISE DEMONSTRATION OF THE YEAR: BBC2’s Workout The Wright Way, host Mark Wright thanks horizontal guest Saffron Barker with the words: “Guys, this is a plank.” Harsh, but you know . . .
Anthropologist of the year
BBC2’s Down The Mighty River, in New Guinea, Steve Backshall is confronted by the “shut away from the outside world” Yali people, wearing hoodies and bucket hats and asks them: “Have any foreigners come down this river?” Yeah, Primark, H&M, Gap . . .
Bombshell con-clusion of the year
The History Channel, Hitler’s Secret Sex Life which, having detailed the Fuhrer’s love of sadomasochism, incest, pornography, voyeurism, whips, golden showers and crimes against humanity, solemnly informed viewers: “Hitler was a man of extremes.”
Thanks.
Best comedies
Two Doors Down, Would I Lie To You, Inside No9, Ghosts, Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is still brilliant after 11 series, Dave Chappelle, leading the anti-woke fightback on Netflix’s The Closer, and Mortimer & Whitehouse: Gone Fishing.
“And awaaaaaay.”
Worst comedies
An execution date, please, for Have I Got News For You, King Gary, The Last Leg, Late Night Mash, Frankie Boyle’s New World Order, Mock The Week and Comedy Central’s abysmal Yesterday, Today And The Day Before which sought to poke fun at the Queen’s bereavement.
Best light entertainment show
The simple, stupid, Cowell-busting brilliance of ITV’s The Masked Singer which posed viewers the question: “Is Lenny Henry inside The Blob?”
No, they divorced in 2010.
WORST LIGHT ENTERTAINMENT SHOW: ITV’s Game Of Talents, which had everyone wondering: “If this is Vernon Kay’s reward for coming across well on I’m A Celeb, what the hell would his punishment be? Water-boarding?”
MOST BADLY TIMED RIP-OFF: Just at the moment BBC1’s Who Do You Think You Are? is coming to the end of its natural lifespan, ITV introduces DNA Journey, which concluded with a woman hitting Jamie Redknapp with this thunderbolt: “I’m your seventh cousin . . . once removed.”
Best loookalikes
TERROR exile Shamima Begum and late comedian Bernie Winters.
JEREMY CORBYN and the old bloke from Pure Cremation’s “Just a simple send-off” advert.
THE Chase’s Darragh Ennis and Viz comic legend Sid The Sexist.
THE Italy football team’s technical director, Alberico Evani, and Mr Potato Head.
DIGBY JONES, the businessman, and Henry J Water-noose III from Monsters Inc.
Picture research: Amy Reading