Our MPs are worse than the Italians – it’s so bad I want John Major back

IS IT just me or is everyone else fed up to the back teeth of the way politicians are behaving at the moment? I was going to say they are worse than the Italians, but honestly, they’re more like ducks squawking and flapping over a bit of bread.  Every single day it’s the same thing. […]

IS IT just me or is everyone else fed up to the back teeth of the way politicians are behaving at the moment?

I was going to say they are worse than the Italians, but honestly, they’re more like ducks squawking and flapping over a bit of bread. 

Every single day it’s the same thing. You’re a liar. You smell. You went to a party. I didn’t know I was at a party. I’m going to switch sides. We didn’t like you anyway. You’re Thelma and Louise. Well, you’re Dick Dastardly and Muttley. 

And then some dapper little man (there’s no such thing as a dapper big man) from Scotland is sent home by the headmaster for not saying sorry.

It’s pathetic. And all the time they’re sitting around arguing like schoolchildren in a playground brawl, inflation is flexing its muscles, ready to go berserk, the country’s finances are just about ruined, China is poised to invade Taiwan and Russia is playing Risk on the Ukrainian border, against a senile American opponent who thinks Europe is the band responsible for The Final Countdown. 

Which it will be unless he shuffles off to the old people’s home and lets someone who has control of their bowels take over.

Look. All of you. We know there were parties in Downing Street while Mrs Queen was sitting all by herself at the funeral of her husband. We know that Boris was at some of those parties. And we know that’s poor form.

But when all is said and done, the culprits are going to get fined, same as we do when we park on a double-yellow line. However, the way they’re all carrying on, it’s as though Boris was actually responsible for Prince Philip’s death. And that he alone is responsible for all of world poverty, crime and disease.

And instead of saying “Can we just get on with it?” he stands up and says Sir Starmer failed to prosecute Sir Savile when he had the chance. What’s that got to do with anything, for God’s sake? I’m not certain it’s even true.

It’s got to the point now where I’m wishing John Major would come back.

And to make matters worse, the television screens are always filled the next day with politicians from lower down the pecking order saying nothing of any consequence about what was said the day before in Parliament.

And then we have topical comedians who seem to think that we will only laugh at Boris jokes these days.

 And if one more person sends me an unfunny WhatsApp Johnson joke, I’m going to go round to their house and set them on fire.

On top of all this you have the police, who have a whole bloody team of officers poring over photographs taken at those Downing Street gatherings, and studying emails and texts, and all the while there are 1,000 burglaries a DAY in London that are going unsolved.

I’ve had enough. We’ve all had enough. Because we know that Boris will go if it’s discovered that he lied to the House, and that those who broke the law will be fined.

So please, can we now concentrate on matters that are much more important? Which is absolutely everything.

Stone me! I always agree with Sharon

TODAY, we live in a world steeped in intolerance, which means that instead of agreeing to disagree, we cover our opponents in a shower of spittle and bile and hate every time they say something we think may be slightly wrong.

Which brings me on to this Spotify business.

Apparently, the music streaming giant recently aired some anti-vax views and now everyone is running around saying it should be thrown on to the bonfire of history.

To be honest, I wasn’t really paying much attention to the argument because I figured that Spotify should be allowed to promote a wide range of views and that musical artists such as Neil Young, below, and Joni Mitchell should be allowed to disagree and withdraw their support.

But now Sharon Stone has uncrossed her legs and stepped into the breach, saying that anti-vaxxers are “dangerous”.

That changes everything in my book. Because Sharon could say the world is the shape of a pencil sharpener and that God is a wombat and I’d be forced to agree. 

She has that effect on people.

We can’t rewrite history

I HAVE always believed that the Natural History Museum in London is the most jaw-dropping building in the entire world.

But when I drove past it this week, I was struck by the alarming fact that it was built in Victorian times by a country which had become rich thanks in no small part to the slave trade.

There’s not much we can do about that today however, except hope and pray that some students don’t come in the night and throw it into the River Thames. 

They could probably lob Stonehenge in there too, on the basis those enormous rocks were not carried from Wales to Wiltshire by people who were paid a living wage.

And, in light of what happened after a statue was thrown into Bristol Harbour recently, it would all be fully legal.

Ozark’s a glass act

LIKE everyone else with a Netflix subscription, I’m currently hooked on the latest series of Ozark.

I’m such a fan that I’ve even come up with an Ozark drinking game.

Drink a pint every time the daughter crosses her arms, a shot of vodka every time there’s a lingering shot of Ruth’s bottom, and a bottle of sherry every time someone is seen doing the washing-up.

You won’t even get halfway through the first episode without feeling unwell. And wondering why no one has a dishwasher.

Forking hell

A COURT heard this week that a farmer felt so threatened when someone parked their car on his drive that he raced home, fitted a forklift attachment to his tele­handler tractor and used it to tip the car back on to its roof and back on to the road.

I’d have done the exact same thing, except for one small detail.

I’ve been farming for two years now, and I still don’t know how to fit that forklift attachment.