Why I made the decision to cremate my daughter, I carry her ashes with me wherever I go, says Nikki Grahame’s mum
BIG BROTHER star Nikki Grahame lost her 31-year battle with eating disorder Anorexia at 38-years old, one year ago today.
But to her mum Sue Grahame, 67, she was a beloved full-time job as she cared for her fragile daughter.
his poignant anniversary, rather than being tragic – to Sue will be something to celebrate with a big party.
Sue says: “When we had Nikki’s, what I call party as I can’t say funeral, we could only have 30 people because of lockdown restrictions.
“So on the anniversary of her leaving us, 70 of us are all gathering at a venue in London and that is going to be the highlight of the year for me to be finally able to celebrate her.
“I am really looking forward to it, because I really love Nikki’s friends.”
After being a carer for Nikki for 32 years, Sue is still keeping her daughter close by caring for her ashes.
Read more on Nikki Grahame
Emotional Sue says: “Nikki’s ashes are always near to me. At Christmas I went away with my other daughter Natalie, and I took Nik’s ashes, so she had Christmas with us.
“At the celebration a couple of her close friends are going to get a tiny little pot of ashes, as they have asked me if they can get a ring made from them.”
But the reason Sue chose a cremation over burial has broken the mum’s heart.
She says: “Nikki used to tell me that people on Twitter could be so nasty about her.
Most read in Celebrity
“I feared that if I had her buried, these sad people would desecrate her stone, so we had her cremated.”
Nikki walked through the doors of the Big Brother house in 2006, dressed in a Playboy bunny costume.
Her hysterical rants saw her become a favourite with fans.
Nikki became famous for the most memorable moment in reality TV history, after she was nominated for eviction by new housemate Susie Verrico.
She seethed in the Diary Room: “”Who is she? Who is she?”
But while entertaining the nation in the house, she kept secret the fact she had been constantly battling anorexia since she was eight-years-old.
Her loss was huge, that has been the hardest thing as it’s turned my life upside down.
Sue Grahame
The illness hit the schoolgirl as she struggled with her parent’s divorce and grandad’s terminal cancer diagnosis.
Sue remembers: “I didn’t know anything about anorexia when Nikki started showing signs of the illness at eight, only that the singer Karen Carpenter, from band The Carpenters had died of it.
“I was a full-time mum at the time, and used to make sure there was a proper cooked meal on the table every evening followed by a delicious pudding, like crumble or rice pudding.
“Nikki loved all of my food- there was never a question from her of not eating it, so when she stopped eating I thought: ‘Where did this come from?’
“At her first hospital admission aged eight, which I had pushed for as she had been so weak she struggled to climb the stairs, I was already heart-breakingly preparing myself for it going either way.
“She was impressionable and the anorexia got deeply ingrained.
You're Not Alone
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide.
It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You’re Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You’re Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Heads Together, www.headstogether.org.uk
- Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans, www.samaritans.org, 116 123
- Movember, www.uk.movember.com
- Anxiety UK www.anxietyuk.org.uk, 03444 775 774 Monday-Friday 9.30am-10pm, Saturday/Sunday 10am-8pm
“Nikki couldn’t be saved, even after 16 or 17 hospital admissions, she was in the grips of anorexia for 80 per cent of her life between the ages of eight and 38.”
Sue is still deeply in grief.
Her voice breaking with emotion, she says: “‘Nikki was my full-time job and when I lost her I was, overnight, made redundant and I don’t know how to live without her.
“Her loss was huge, that has been the hardest thing as it’s turned my life upside down.
“It’s not been easy, I’ve been on my knees and there have been times when I know if I didn’t have Natalie and Sunny my grandson, I wouldn’t be here, as it’s too hard.
“I’m having talking therapy one-to-one, with a lovely lady also called Nikki.
Hearing from her friend that next day that she had gone will never leave me, I made the undertakers wait for me to arrive before they took her.
Sue Grahame
“My daughter Natalie suggested therapy, saying I had post traumatic stress disorder.
“It is all so hard because I’ve dedicated 32 years to keeping Nikki alive, which was a joy – and I’m so proud of her.”
Nikki’s anorexia worsened during the first lockdowns in March 2020, and she was left at her lightest since childhood.
On March 13 2021 she weakened further and was taken to hospital near her mum’s Dorset home after a collapse.
Nikki was admitted, and was there for two weeks and on the 8th April she was discharged, put in a taxi by medical staff and travelled to her flat in London alone.
Tragically she was discovered dead in her bed the next day by a friend.
Sue says: “In hospital I was there every day to wash her and lighten the load of the nurses.
I am so lucky I got to spend those two weeks with her.
“I told every medical person I came in contact with that she must not be sent home.
“Even her father, who tragically died only nine days after Nikki from pancreatic cancer, called the hospital saying that if Nikki was sent home she would die.
“I think in her heart she knew she was dying, she kept saying: ‘Mum I just want to be in my own bed.”
Sue tearfully remembers Nikki’s last night.
She says: “Her friend helped her get ready for bed, Nikki called me at 3.30am as she often did.
“She said: ‘Mum I’m so tired.’
“I told her: ‘Go to sleep sausage and I’ll give you a call in the morning.’
“I wouldn’t be surprised if she was calling me to say goodbye.
“Hearing from her friend that next day that she had gone will never leave me, I made the undertakers wait for me to arrive before they took her.
“Watching them put my little girl in a bag and taking her down in the lift, I said to them: ‘Can you tell me which end her head is?’ and I stroked it from the outside.
“I miss her more than I can say.”
Feeling lost since the death, Sue has been grateful to Nikki’s friends for their support.
She says: “I get messages daily and if it wasn’t for the support, I wouldn’t be here now.
“To show how important they are, I have gifts to give them at the anniversary.
“I have brought seven silver lockets and inside is a curl of Nikki’s hair.
“Imogen Thomas has been a great friend, she’ll be getting a little gift for the anniversary celebration, she sent me a lovely message yesterday.”
Sue took part in ‘Nikki Grahame: Who is She?’, which is streaming on All 4, to educate the world about eating disorders and celebrate her daughter.
She says: “Nikki wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea and that is partly why I did the documentary – I thought maybe they’ll get a better understanding of her.
“Dermot O’Leary gave a tribute, as did Vanessa Feltz’s as they knew her from Big Brother and they were spot on when they said things like she was an icon of reality TV.
“I’m relieved the documentary has been shown now, it will raise awareness.”
Nikki who won an NTA in 2006 for Top TV contender would have turned 40 on 28 April.
Sue will celebrate Nikki fourth decade in style, despite no longer having her daughter, who had just re-trained as a teaching assistant, by her side.
She says: “I said to Nikki last year when her health started failing: ‘Darling, come on: I know it’s easy for me to say but is there any chance you could try a little harder?
I know I’m asking the impossible but how about if you get safe and stronger, I will take you for your 40th to anywhere you want to go and we will have a blast.’
“I told her to name a location, she said Tahiti or ,so I booked Tahiti as an incentive to get well.
“I’ve chosen to still mark her 40th this way- I’ve chosen Hawaii.
“I’ll take Nikki’s ashes, I’ll make a deep hole in the sand pop three quarters of the ashes in and spend the day with her at the beach, and then on a boat trip I’ll scatter the other ashes – and hope they drift to Tahiti.
“All of her besties are going out for a big night in London to celebrate Nikki’s 40th as that’s what Nikki planned.”
When they were trying to fund private help for Nikki during her hospitalisation last year, a Go Fund Me page was set up and has now reached £70,000.
Sue is making sure that Nikki’s legacy is not wasted, and says: “I want to say a massive heart-felt thank you to all the people who contributed.
“It didn’t get her into a private clinic but the money is being split between three eating disorder charities.
Read More on The Sun
“I also wrote to the Secretary of State for Health and Social Care Sajid Javid last week to highlight that I feel mental illness has always been sidelined and I’d love to feel that eating disorder sufferers are not left stranded.
“Girls used to reach out to Nikki for help on social media and now I’m hoping to help them.”
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, find help at Beat on 0808 801 0677 or online at beateatingdisorders.co.uk