I can’t forgive myself for accidentally killing someone
DEAR DEIDRE: I CAN’T forgive myself for killing someone, even though it was an accident.
I’m a 41-year-old man. I’ve worked as a train driver for eight years.
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Last summer, a 26-year-old man wearing a suit stepped in front of my train. He looked me in the eye as he waited for impact.
I hit the emergency brake but it was too late. He would have died straight away.
But I can’t get away from the vacant look in his eyes.
The coroner said there was a suicide note in the young man’s pocket.
He ruled it was not my fault. But I can’t help but blame myself.
I keep going over what happened in my head.
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If only I had been quicker to pull the brakes, he might still be alive now.
The image of that poor man still haunts me whenever I shut my eyes and try to sleep. It’s torture. I just want it all to stop.
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DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry you are having to go through this but you need to understand that none of this is your fault.
Talk to your manager or union rep for rail company-backed professional help.
Also, discuss how you are feeling with a GP as it sounds like you are suffering post-traumatic stress disorder, which can be treated.
You can also contact Assist Trauma Care (assisttraumacare.org.uk) for help in recovering from the after-effects of trauma.
If you’re feeling particularly low, contact Samaritans who are on hand 24/7 (samaritans.org, 116 123).
Please don’t give up – with help you can get through this.