I am due to marry the love of my life but she told me she used to be a sex addict
DEAR DEIDRE: WE are due to marry in the New Year and I am smitten with my fiancée – but I have an issue with her past.
She confided in me that she used to be a sex addict. I wasn’t upset by her revelation. Instead, I got incredibly turned on.
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The real issue is that whenever I try to instigate some excitement into our love life, she turns me down flat.
She has slept with multiple men and women, sometimes at the same time and has done it in the most daring of places.
We do have sex in different positions and I feel we have a good connection. She has no problem reaching orgasm and neither do I.
But if I suggest re-enacting something she has experienced, she refuses.
She says her past makes her feel ashamed and she doesn’t want to open up that side of her life again.
It’s frustrating because knowing she has been so adventurous in the past is a huge turn on for me. I always wished I’d been more experienced before settling down.
I hoped we could enjoy a threesome before getting married. That suggestion got a red card.
I’ve even asked her if she wanted sex in the back of my car because she had done that loads. But I got a “no”.
Surely we should be able to enjoy more adventurous experiences without her feeling shame?
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It would be with me after all – someone who cares deeply for her and would never want to upset her. I am 41 and she is 37.
Am I wrong to get aroused by her past? She seems to think so.
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DEIDRE SAYS: It’s understandable that your fiancée is wary of reliving experiences she associates with her being a sex addict.
Shame is a familiar emotion for those who overcome compulsive sexual behaviour disorder.
While many think being a sex addict sounds exciting, in reality it can destroy relationships and lives, so be wary of asking your partner to relive any sexual experience she is not comfortable with.
Sex addiction is not about an insatiable appetite for sex, and for some, it’s about dulling painful memories and feelings.
There will be ways for you both to enjoy new experiences together, that don’t trigger negative associations.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
Steer away from scenarios she has already told you about and instead focus on new ones.
Get in touch with the College Of Sexual Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8106 9635).