BBC drama Marriage has gone down like a dose of monkeypox with viewers – on no account watch this show
HOW do you know when a television show really should be avoided?
When the BBC tells you it “can’t be missed” and flags up the show’s supposed ‘brilliance’ with lots of obliging newspaper reviews, just as it did at the weekend after two episodes of Marriage had gone down like a dose of monkeypox with a lot of viewers.
“Brilliant Beeb drama.” (The Mail).
“Quietly magnificent scenes.” (The Times).
“A deeply affecting drama.” (Some tt from The Guardian).
It was meant to demonstrate a supreme self-confidence in the four-part drama, of course, but actually just conveyed a righteous fury with the audience for failing to fall in line, like good little licence-payers, and accepting the obvious genius of Marriage.
READ MORE ALLY ROSS
Why? Well, judging by the emails I’ve received, it’s a timing issue, mainly.
For at the exact moment viewers need to be lifted out of an endless cycle of news misery with merriment and laughter, the BBC has somehow dampened the mood even further with the story of Ian and Emma, whose 27-year slog of a marriage has been defined by the death of a baby, Nicholas, and is now punctuated by long meaningful silences and the word: “Fine.”
Nicola Walker’s Emma copes with this by immersing herself in her “white-knuckle” job and: “The opportunities for growth in the online legal services sector, vis-a-vis ABS studies and working from home.”
She, however, is the more light-hearted of the two.
Most read in The Sun
The straight man is Sean Bean’s Ian, who’s lost his job and now has a life that moves at Round The World Yacht Race pace.
He spent episode one ball-aching away about a baked potato and creeping out Maxine, the receptionist at the local leisure centre, and episode two postponing an anniversary shag so he could load the dishwasher properly.
In episode three, however, things really took off when Ian decided to buy some “revitalising shower gel”, to see if that could give him “a boost”
He nearly got poor Michael, an Asda shelf-stacker, the sack in the process, but it was a hell of a commitment from a man who seems to bathe in embalming fluid every other day.
A forlorn hope
It’s not exactly Sid And Nancy we’re dealing with here, let alone Sid and Barbara Windsor.
If, however, you’re expecting a storyline or light relief from the supporting cast, abandon hope now.
Ian and Emma are the cabaret.
Elsewhere there are just monsters and sociopaths, like Adam, their adopted daughter’s controlling left-wing boyfriend and Emma’s coke-snorting boss Jamie, played brilliantly by Henry Lloyd-Hughes, who I thought had a touch of the David Brent about him, until we learned he’d had sex with the work experience girl, in the last episode.
It’s a show crying out for laughs, which is probably why every scene felt weirdly, to me, like the start of a comedy sketch.
In fact, right to the very death, I was still half-hoping Griff Rhys Jones, the Big Train gang or even French and Saunders would suddenly turn up and mercilessly rip the pompous ar*e out of Marriage, like it so richly deserved. A forlorn hope.
British television is hardly likely to raise a smile from one of its dramas when, these days, it can’t even get one from most of its comedies.
Gone Fishing, Two Doors Down and Would I Lie To You? are the rare exceptions to that rule.
Laughter on TV will become functionally extinct soon, though, thanks to the woke revolution and comedy departments who fill their shows with people they think you should find funny (Ed Gamble, Rosie Jones, Sara Pascoe) rather than people who actually are funny.
To the extent, I almost wouldn’t mind betting, there’ll be a second series of Marriage before the BBC makes another genuinely funny show.
If it comes to pass, the Beeb’s publicity department is welcome to use some of the emails I’ve received this week in the promo campaign.
“**** this pair of miserable *s.” (Mary, Bristol).
“It’s even worse than you said.” (Pete, Fife). “
Not even my marriages were this f*** miserable.” (Paul, London).
On no account watch this show on the BBC iPlayer.
Dorks in a mad house
THOSE of you who loved Game Of Thrones will no doubt have lapped up the first episode of its prequel, House Of The Dragon, and marvelled at this impressive show’s amazing production values and the uniformly excellent acting from the likes of Paddy Considine, Milly Alcock and Matt Smith.
While those of us who always thought “Flying dragons? . . . Really?” will probably just have been struggling to ID all the new characters and work out where each of these po-faced psychopaths belongs in Sky Atlantic’s new kingdom of the mega-dorks
As far as I can tell, though, Paddy’s mild-mannered Viserys Targaryen has ascended to the Iron Throne at Harrenhal, which I think is in the north.
But Craghas Drahar and The Triarchy are threatening the kingdom from Bloodstone, which I think is in the south, and Viserys’s s**thouse brother, Daemon, played by Matt, has arrived from The Vale, where he claims: “Men are said to f*** sheep rather than women.”
So let’s just go with “Glamorgan” and take it from there, shall we?
MEANWHILE, over at the European Championship gymnastics, the wonderful Christine Still contends: “Lukas Dauser is a great swinger.
“He’ll want to put in some big releases. Now in the straddle position, one-arm work. He’s got the lot.”
He certainly has.
Unexpected moron in bagging area
TIPPING Point: Lucky Stars, Ben Shephard: “In England, in the period before taking a required motorcycle or moped test, a rider must display a learner plate featuring which letter?”
Olivia Attwood: “P.”
Ben Shephard: “The common expression that refers to trickery or deception is smoke and what?”
Olivia Attwood: “Feathers.”
The Chase: Celebrity Special, Bradley Walsh: “Introduced in 1964, what Ford car is named after a type of wild horse?”
Rylan Clark-Neal: “Cougar.”
Random irritations
NEWS anchors somehow keeping straight faces as they announce that, after two years of being paid to sit at home, civil servants are thinking of striking for “more money and better conditions”.
The BBC imagining we’re all as smitten with drag queens as they pretend to be.
Channel 4’s sly, manipulative and utterly pointless Investigating Diana documentary.
The never-ending supply of beautiful Dutch women throwing themselves at ITV’s Trollish-looking Van der Valk.
And Gregg Wallace eyeing Kirsty Gallacher, with her okonomiyaki dish, and saying “It’s a little bit dense but that’s a pretty good job,” like he’s Professor Stephen Hawking.
Stick to the food, dough ball.
Great sporting insights
JAMIE Carragher: “With 11 on the pitch, I’m certain Liver- pool would have possibly won it.”
Paul Merson: “You can’t keep throwing three figures around like £100million.”
Scott Parker: “I had good traits before so I’m not going to divulge from them now.”
Michael Dawson: “It’s 0-0 and Wolves are winning.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
CELEBRITY MasterChef, John Torode: “Lesley (Joseph), as a great actress, when did your interest really start?”
Soon, hopefully.
TV Gold
MATT SMITH’S show-stealing turn as Daemon Targaryen in House Of The Dragon.
BBC2 screening John Wayne’s The Searchers (A classic).
Gareth Malone being unable to disguise his utter fury at being eliminated from Celebrity MasterChef.
And the welcome EastEnders exit of Stuart Highway who, after one final flurry of over-acting, was prompted to leave Walford with this memorable question from equally mis-erable wife Rainie ringing in his ears: “Do you like one-bedroom flats with a view of the North Circular?”
Yes he does. Now push off, the pair of you.
Great TV lies and delusions of the month
The Big Breakfast, Mo Gilligan: “We’re back by popular demand.”
Are You The One? UK, Juan: “You know what surprises me? How good- looking I am.”
The Big Breakfast, Mo Gilligan: “Krept and Konan just rolls off the tongue, like Ant and Dec, Mo and AJ . . . ” P**s and off.
AND the prize for the most dangerously inviting silence of the month goes to Are You The One? UK contestant Thea: “My love life is like the Titanic . . .”
1,500 people have gone down on . . .?
“It’s sunk.”
Oh.
A WORD too about This Morning’s “animal psychic” Beth Lee-Crowther who earlier this week claimed: “Animals are very good at telepathy, linking into our thoughts and extracting past, present and future information for you.”
Because they’re not, are they. They eat, s**t, hump your leg, if you’re lucky, and eat your lonely corpse, if you’re not.
But that’s it. So, please, can we all just grow up?
OVER on EastEnders Phil’s announced he’s “thinking of retiring”.
From what? I don’t know, but it prompted Sharon to ask: “What are you going to do? Play bingo on Friday? Draughts down The Vic?”
Celebrity MasterChef? Wheeze away in Dictionary Corner, with Susie Dent?
None of the above, obviously.
He’ll be there until the bitter end.
Unlike Stuart Highway, thankfully, who was prompted to leave Walford forever after one final burst of over-acting last night, with this question from equally miserable wife, Rainie, ringing in his ears: “Do you like one-bedroom flats with a view of the North Circular?”
Yes he does. Now push off, the pair of you and never come back.
POLITICAL correctness gone mad (part 23,704), Trip Hazard, Joanna Lumley: “Ready to begin the climb, Rosie Jones and AJ Odudu meet inclusive climbing experts Gemma and Gordon who’ll make sure they don’t die today.”
Bloody do-gooders.
Lookalike of the week
Read More on The Sun
THIS week’s winner is ITV spare part Alan Carr and Mr Gristle from Boxtrolls. Sent in by Fab Flo.
Picture research: AMY READING