These are the three mistakes you’re making on a first date, says Married At First Sight’s Paul C Brunson
WE’VE all been on a terrible first date, and have then spent the next few weeks telling anyone we can about how much time we wasted.
But apparently, that’s because we’re doing the first date all wrong, Married At First Sight’s Paul C Brunson.
According to the professional matchmaker, we’re putting too much pressure on the first meeting, and so always end up disappointed.
Speaking on The Diary Of A CEO podcast, he said: “I think most of us do the first date completely wrong. Entirely wrong. We set ourselves up from the jump to fail miserably and to be disappointed.
“The reason why is because the first date is too intricate. It’s too big.
“It’s dinner, but to prepare for dinner I’m going to buy a new whatever, I’m going to get my hair done, I’m going to get this, I’m going to buy this new thing.
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“We’ve invested so much that we’ve set ourselves up for failure.”
So what does the entrepreneur think we should do on that first meeting?
1. Skip dinner
According to Paul, dinner is way too formal, and so recommends his clients suggest a walk or a coffee instead.
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He said: “A first date, quite honestly, over dinner, is an interview. It always turns into an interview.
“And then the culture I’ve noticed in the UK is fascinating. This is not everyone, but typically I notice is ‘we’re going to get completely pissed before the date so we can talk to each other.’
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“And so we set ourselves up for having a very costly date in time, effort, and resources.
“Instead, it sounds so simple, I like meet-ups.
“Let’s even take the pressure of the date situation. Let’s call it a meet-up. Thirty minutes, let’s have coffee.
“The reason why I love that, or a walk, is because that expectation is so much lower in that situation.
“The cost [is] so much lower. So the investment [is] so much lower. So therefore that return on investment [is] potentially so much higher.
2. Try not to drink too much
Paul continued: “Also then psychologically, what I love is happening is coffee, caffeine. If it’s a walk, it’s endorphins.
Those help us to bond, right, [as] opposed to alcohol which is a depressant. It’s doing the opposite.”
3. Don’t search for perfect
Paul, who appears alongside Mel Schilling and Charlene Douglas on the Channel 4 matchmaking reality show, says there are two key things we should be looking for on a date – not a perfect human.
“You just need two things on that meet up – are you physically attracted to them, minimally, and then did they listen to you?
We’ve invested so much that we’ve set ourselves up for failure.
Paul C Brunson
“If you have the ability to communicate – they listened, critically, you listen critically, and you’re attracted, that is chemistry.”
But what makes a perfect, long-lasting match?
Speaking with entrepreneur and Dragons’ Den star Steven Bartlett, he suggested that there are three things that determine whether a couple has a future together.
“There are certain areas that I firmly believe determine whether or not you have strong compatibility.
“One we’ve already talked about – attachment style.
“We’ve talked about values. Values are incredibly important. That’s the rulebook to life.
“Another part of it is your ability to communicate. There’s this theory called ‘decide versus slide.’
“When you’re with your partner, can you make a decision together on anything?
“Let’s say you’re with your partner and you’re going on vacation. Can you actually make decisions on where you’re going without killing each other?
“Can you decide what to eat without killing each other? Can you actually make collaborative decisions? That is deciding versus sliding.
“But a lot of couples, what they do is, ‘no, you decide that. You pick where we’re going to go, and I’ll decide what we’re going to do.’
“It’s a slide, not collaborative. So when you’re dating, when you’re engaged, it’s very important to begin to look at are you making decisions together?
“Do you have the ability to make decisions together?”
If you have the ability to communicate…and you’re attracted, that is chemistry.
Paul C Brunson
“Another one that is touchy for people – do you have physical attraction?
“I don’t understand why there’s still a debate over this. Every bit of science suggests that if you have zero physical attraction, it’s going nowhere.
“But if you have minimal physical attraction, it doesn’t mean rip the clothes off energy, but if you have minimal physical attraction, then that could build.
“You still have to have a minimal level of physical attraction and then what we see is that over time, attraction can definitely grow, but it needs to start somewhere.
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“So you think about physical attraction, you think about the ability to make decisions, compatibility in values, also attachment style.
These become, I think, the foundational pieces to having a compatible relationship.”
