I can’t bring myself to leave my sexless, loveless marriage
DEAR DEIDRE: OUR sexless, loveless marriage is making me miserable, but I can’t bring myself to leave my wife and kids.
Even when I fell in love with another woman, I couldn’t wrench myself away from my marriage.
I’m 40 and have been with my wife for 16 years, married for 12. She’s 38 and we have two boys, aged eight and seven.
My wife is kind, attractive and pleasant. We don’t argue and nobody is abusive. But I no longer have anything to say to her and we never kiss or touch.
Sex stopped years ago, after the birth of my youngest son.
My wife just isn’t interested any more and, to be honest, I’m no longer bothered by it as I feel no desire for her.
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Our lives revolve around our sons — taking them to clubs, school, sports etc.
When they’re in bed, we watch TV in silence, or sit with our phones, chatting to our friends.
A few months ago, I connected with another woman on social media and we started chatting.
Although we never met in person, I fell for her and it was definitely what you’d call an emotional affair.
Eventually, she ended it because I would never commit to meeting up, and she realised I wasn’t ready to leave my family.
I have tried talking to my wife about how I feel, but she shuts me down and acts like everything is OK.
It’s easier to stay with her than to divorce, and it’s probably better for my boys too. But surely there is more to life and marriage than this?
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DEIDRE SAYS: You are existing, rather than living. While divorce is disruptive for children, living with unhappy parents isn’t healthy either.
Your sons are not getting a good example of a loving relationship from you and your wife. On some level, they must sense your unhappiness.
Your wife shuts you down because she’s in denial, or scared of confront-ation. But you have to make her under-stand you can’t carry on like this.
If you don’t address this now, you will end up having another affair – perhaps physical next time.
You either need to split amicably, or try to revive your relationship and sex life – either option will be far better for your children, your wife and you.
Counselling can help with both options. Find support through Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, or call 020 7380 1960).
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