From not faking it to keeping the lights on… we reveal what men and women REALLY want in the bedroom
IT’S long been a battle of the sexes – trying to work out just what your partner is thinking.
Yesterday we told how research has found that men lose interest in relationships the moment they are sexually aroused by someone else – though of course they would keep that thought strictly hidden.
So what else are men – and women too – thinking when it comes to sex?
Today we reveal the top turn-ons that partners usually keep to themselves but which they have now shared with our Sun Sexpert.
WHAT WOMEN WANT
Open your mind
“I FIND it hard to let go in bed if I’m not emotionally connected to someone.
“For me to express myself sexually, I need to date guys who open up to me.”
You must turn on our minds before you start on our bodies.
Most women need to feel safe and have an emotional bond to fully trust their sexual partner and let themselves go between the sheets.
This also means you can be vulnerable too – if you want her to open up to you, you must do the same.
Whether you are in a new or long-term relationship, communication is the key to great sex.
Quality counts
“I’M still scarred by a guy who wanted to have sex for more than seven hours straight.
“I kept faking it to get it over with but then he’d want to go again. It was a vicious circle.”
Newsflash – women do not like sex that goes on for hours on end.
Unfortunately, most fellas get their sex education from mainstream porn, which wrongly portrays good sex as lasting for ever.
In fact, 75 per cent of women will never reach orgasm from intercourse alone – this is why foreplay is extremely important.
Spend at least ten to 15 minutes on touching, teasing or using a sex toy on her before moving on to penetrative sex.
As women, it’s really important you don’t fake orgasms.
Not only are you setting yourself up for a lifetime of bad sex but how can your lover improve if he thinks he’s a sexual Adonis?
Smell good
“I’M not interested in a man’s looks. If he smells good, it makes me weak at the knees and I can’t wait to rip his clothes off.”
Aftershave – or a man’s scent – has been proven through experiments to be the top factor for women when it comes to selecting a potential partner.
Put simply, we can’t resist a guy who smells good. It goes without saying that bad breath and BO are the biggest sexual turn-offs.
So guys, prioritise your personal hygiene and make sure you’re always smelling fresh before you plan on getting dirty.
Slow and steady
“THERE’S nothing more off-putting than sleeping with a guy who keeps asking if ‘you’re close’. If I was, I’m not now.”
Women are less likely to orgasm if they feel pressured, studies show.
We need to relax, get in the zone and not feel rushed.
Comments such as “Are you there yet?” are off-putting and will create stress, causing levels of stress hormone cortisol to rocket and inhibiting our chances of orgasm.
Just as you like to know that the woman is enjoying it when she is performing foreplay on you or having sex, so do we.
So make us feel relaxed and that you have got all the time in the world for us.
Don’t be needy
“I FIND it hard to let go in bed if I am not emotionally connected to someone. For me to express myself sexually, I need to date guys who open up to me.”
Sexual confidence is contagious. You don’t need to look like Brad Pitt or have a gym-honed body to drive us wild in the bedroom.
Studies show that men who are self-assured are more attractive, whereas women find neediness repulsive.
Ditch the clingy behaviour if you want her to want you in and out of the bedroom.
It’s not the size
“THE best sex I’ve had isn’t with the guys who are the most well-endowed.
“Generally, I’ve found those men a bit lazy and the sex quite painful.”
Most men are obsessed with the size of their penis and think all women want a big package.
While the average erect penis length is six inches, it really is the motion of the ocean, not the size of the guys that counts.
So put your ruler away and focus on what makes you a great lover.
Clitoral stimulation and pairing intercourse with sex toys will help her over the finishing line.
If you’re really worried about size, try the reverse cowgirl, where the girl sits on top facing away.
This position gives you complete control over penetration depth and speed.
WHAT MEN WANT
Object of desire
“MY ex-wife always expected compliments but never gave them back, and it made me feel unwanted.
“Now I’m dating again, I find it really attractive if a woman is confident enough to compliment you.”
It’s easy to forget that men like to feel desired and sexy too.
Without praise, men can end up feeling shunned or like a nuisance to their partners. Often, this can be a catalyst for them to look elsewhere.
When your partner looks hot, tell him.
When he does something good in bed, tell him. It will help you bond – in and out of the bedroom.
Keep the lights on
MY ex hated me seeing her naked and would wrap herself up in the duvet like a mummy. It was a real mood killer.
“We aren’t even looking at your wobbly bits, we are just thrilled to have gotten you naked and hoping we won’t disappoint!”
Sadly, research shows that more than ten per cent of British women feel depressed by their appearance.
And when women don’t like how they look, they prefer to have sex with the lights off or cover up.
Exercise is a great way to boost your body confidence – and your libido too.
Just 30 minutes of working up a sweat will release endorphins, including the feel-good “love” hormone serotonin.
Not only will you improve physically, but your mental attitude will change too and your self-esteem will rocket.
Let us please you
“I’VE dated women who have spent ages performing foreplay but haven’t let me return the favour.
“But it’s a huge turn-on watching us please you.”
Some women are used to spectating in sex rather than actively participating, and they struggle to let go and fully relax.
Thanks to mainstream porn and social constraints, women have been conditioned into thinking sex is all about men’s pleasure.
But you can help her to break down those barriers by being patient and creating a safe space for her to express herself.
Spend time warming her up with lots of kisses, cuddles and caressing.
Show, don’t tell
“AN ex once told me after we’d split up that she had faked it the whole time. It was absolutely crushing.
“I wish women would give more direction in bed– we aren’t mind readers.”
Faking orgasms is the worst thing you can do if you want good sex.
How are men supposed to know if they’re hitting the spot if you’re lying?
Some women feel embarrassed to speak up but research shows guys actually find a woman who knows what she wants in bed incredibly sexy.
As men are visual learners, don’t be afraid to move his hands and show him how to do it.
Use other places
“THERE’S nothing worse than meeting a really hot girl, only to discover she’s a complete bore in bed.
“Being good-looking isn’t enough – we want a woman who isn’t afraid to initiate sex and try new positions.”
A lot of hot-blooded males like exploring new things, and this need for excitement doesn’t stop at the bedroom.
More than 60 per cent of men crave more adventurous sex, according to research.
Think sex in the shower, out in the woods or in the car – yes, really!
And don’t be afraid to mix up positions and experiment with sex toys either.
Men don’t just want you to lie there and take one for the team, they want you to be adventurous, take control and initiate sex too.
Don’t freak out
THE last thing we want to hear if we are struggling with lift-off is ‘Do you fancy me?’
“We’re desperately trying to coax our member to rise and questions like that just increase our stress levels, having the opposite effect.”
MORE than half of men will experience erectile dysfunction at some point in their lives.
For a man, it can often feel like he has failed as a lover and can affect his self-esteem, but it has nothing to do with how attractive you are.
In fact, he might be feeling anxious because he finds you so attractive he wants to please you.
If this happens to you, stay calm and be patient. It will help your man to recover more quickly and he will appreciate your rational response.