20mph speed limits?! Why not ban cars and make us hop everywhere
ALL of the roads in London’s central zone have a 20mph speed limit and there are now calls for this to become the blanket maximum in every single one of the nation’s cities, towns and villages.
One of those calls came from m’colleague, James May, who went on the radio this week to say that 20’s plenty.
Of course, you’re thinking that James May would say that.
He’s known as Captain Slow and has never been faster than 20 in his whole life.
But there’s something you don’t know about James.
He virtually lives in the socialist cesspit that is Twitter, where he follows not just Sir Starmer but also the deranged London Mayor, Sadiq Khan.
He even follows that Cycling Mikey man who rides round London on his children’s toy, videotaping anyone in a car who he thinks might be Tory.
James, then, like all of the world’s Twitter enthusiasts, is not getting a balanced view on which to shape his opinions.
He’s just listening to lefties competing with one another to see who can think of the most left-wing thing.
The fact is that, in most cities, the average speed of traffic on most roads is already down to single figures.
In Oxford at rush hour, people can only dream about doing 20.
Most have been a jam since about 1967.
Of course, there are some roads in all city centres where people can, and do, break the 30mph limit by whizzing along at 40 or even 50mph.
And do you think they’ll stop doing this if the limit’s lowered to 20?
In the idealistic socialist world of Twitter, maybe.
But in the real world, where I live, it won’t make any difference.
Some people will always drive too fast because they are loonies.
Or, to use the polite word, “motorcyclists”.
There’s another, bigger issue too.
Even if the road is quiet, it is nigh-on impossible to drive at 20mph.
There’s always going to be a downhill stretch at some point where you’ll accidentally reach 25.
Which will land you with a hefty fine.
Land you with a hefty fine
The only way to avoid this is to stare constantly at the speedometer, and not be distracted by the sound of all the prams and the mobility scooters you’re hitting because you’re not looking where you’re going.
Of course, people say that 20 is safer and kinder to the environment.
But if these are the goals, then way not make the limit five? Or one?
Or why not ban cars altogether and force us to hop to work instead?
That’s almost certainly what the Twitter army wants.
Because in their electronic world, where you can’t say this, and you can’t think that, and no one has any real friends, it makes perfect sense to restrict a normal person’s desire to travel.
Which brings me back to Oxford, where residents now have to apply to the local government for permission to drive to see their mother if she lives on the other side of the city.
Welcome to East Germany circa 1965.
Face it – women are in a tights spot
IT’S that time of year when all of the world’s mad people decide what fashions girls will be wearing in the summer.
Two weeks ago, they showed off a new frock which had what appeared to be a full-sized male lion’s head attached to the front of it.
And now they’ve announced that below the belt girls will be wearing tights . . . and nothing else.
Really? Tights? Have they not seen what they do to a burglar’s face?
Notion holds water
THERE were howls of derisive laughter when it emerged that some of the nation’s heavily criticised water companies are still using dowsing rods to detect leaking mains.
Yup. We live in a world where we can spot traces of an exotic gas in a faraway galaxy, but your local water company is still asking its staff to search for leaks with two bent coat hangers.
“They don’t even work,” cried everyone when the story first emerged.
And it’s true. There is no scientific reason why two rods can detect the presence of water deep below the ground.
But here’s the thing. They can.
I use them all the time on the farm and they really do point at water sources.
If it’s to the left, they swing left. If it’s to the right, they swing right, and if you’re standing over an underground stream, they cross.
It’s bizarre, and also just a little bit fantastic that, in the modern world, we still have things that can’t be explained.
Going round bend
THE Government has decided that everyone in the country should live within a 15-minute walk of a green space or water.
Sounds great, but hang on. Almost every town and city in the country is built on a river, so most of us live near water anyway.
The only one I can think of that isn’t is Milton Keynes.
But that’s OK because everyone there lives within 15 minutes of a roundabout, which is a green space of sorts.
A joke? ’Fraid not. Because when the Government says “green space”, you think they’re talking about a moor or a heath.
They’re not.
They define a disused railway line as a green space. And an allotment. And a playing field.
On that basis, everyone already lives within 15 minutes of a green space or water.
Which means the Government has launched a policy which requires no action at all.
Fickle finger of fate
PAUL BURRELL, the former royal butler, announced this week that a medical he was forced to have before being signed up to take part in a TV show revealed that he had prostate cancer.
Hmmm. I am forced to undertake these TV medicals about every 20 minutes, so I know how they go.
Doctor: “Are you well?”
Me: “Yes, thanks.”
Doctor: “OK. See you next time.”
At no point has any of them ever put a finger in my bottom.
Most don’t even bother taking my blood pressure.
So how could they spot prostate cancer? I doubt they’d even notice if my head had fallen off.
Thaw point
A BOFFIN has recently created a new type of ice that neither sinks nor floats.
He’s very excited about this and explains how he used temperatures as low as minus 200C and ball bearings in a “ball mill”.
But he does concede that if you put his new ice in a gin and tonic, it would melt pretty much instantly.
Which rather begs the question: What’s the matter with normal ice, which doesn’t?
CONSERVATIONISTS were disappointed when a rare sea eagle they’d reared on the Isle of Wight buggered off almost immediately to Sweden.
They’d hoped to reintroduce the species to England, but a satellite tracker revealed he had a quick flight round Cornwall and East Anglia before crossing the Channel and heading for Stockholm.
Only now, two years down the line he’s come back.
Why? Well, it may have something to do with the fact that there’s been a shooting or a bombing in Sweden every single day since Christmas.
And that might also explain why he’s missing one of his legs.