Husband won’t talk to me after I found explicit messages he sent on gay dating app

DEAR DEIDRE: TALKING with my fiancé about our sexual fantasies has always been exciting and made me feel we are deeply connected.

I love the idea of having sex with him in front of other men and he loves the idea of having a threesome.

But neither of us have ever wanted to take it a step further and make our fantasies a reality. We enjoy the balance of exploring something illicit without risking our relationship.

I am a 32-year-old female and my fiancé is 37. We have been engaged for five years but I have known him since I was 16. He is the older brother of one of my best friends.

But recently I’ve discovered his fantasy, which often involves another man, is probably no more than a cover for his true sexuality.

Last week, he fell asleep on the sofa and left the screen open on his phone. I saw he was logged on to a gay dating app.

A closer look revealed plenty of messages to men.

He has been swapping phone numbers, exchanging explicit photos and even been talking about having sex with them.

One devastating message detailed arrangements for a hook-up at a guy’s flat. He swore nothing happened when I confronted him the next morning, but he went missing for three hours that particular day.

I tried numerous times to call him, but he wouldn’t answer his phone and then lied about where he was.

I have tried getting him to talk to me about whether he is confused about his sexuality, but he won’t discuss it and says I’m being ridiculous.

I am hurting so badly because of all the lies. I don’t know what to do. I love him so much but my heart is broken. I just feel so empty.

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DEIDRE SAYS: Even if your fiancé has only been chatting and exchanging photos, he is still cheating.

There’s a possibility he could be gay, but only he knows. He needs to start being honest. It’s not acceptable to simply refuse to talk about it.

You deserve a proper explanation of what is going on, because your trust is being eroded by his lies and denials.

You need to find out what he wants to do, and in turn discuss how you feel. He may love you but if he has strong gay feelings they won’t be wished away.

Insist you get help together to see whether he can realistically promise to be faithful in future. You can find support through tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).