I set a tough ultimatum after discovering my wife’s sexting
DEAR DEIDRE: When I discovered my wife had been sexting another man, I issued her with an ultimatum: Stop or I’ll leave.
Now I’ve learned she has continued to chat with him and lied about it. Should I make good on my threat and break up my family?
I’m 40 and she’s 39. We’ve been married for 15 years and have a 12-year-old son.
Just over a year ago, I noticed she was being secretive with her phone and tablet. If I went near, she would snap them shut. She would even take them to the toilet with her.
When I confronted her, she said she was dealing with work messages, but it didn’t ring true.
I asked to see the messages. After a row, she agreed. It turned out she had been messaging an old friend, a man she had been a student with.
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She said they were just catching up on old times. The messages were mostly flirty but some were sexual. It felt like a massive betrayal.
I told her how hurt I was and asked her to stop. She apologised, said she had got carried away with nostalgia, and promised to stop.
For a while, I believe she did. But then the secrecy started again, and it was clear they were back in contact.
When I confronted her again, I gave her the ultimatum. Now, I’ve found out she has continued to be in touch with him — just more sneakily.
She changed his name to a female one in her contacts, and she uses her work email to message him too.
Although I believe they have not met or had sex, and the latest messages aren’t sexual, I feel disrespected.
I don’t want to leave my son, but I can’t be in a relationship with someone I can’t trust.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Trust is essential in a relationship. Even if your wife hasn’t actively had a physical affair, she has been talking to another man in secret, knowing it upsets you.
She has acted selfishly and foolishly. Perhaps she doesn’t believe you will follow through on your ultimatum. And the fact you are writing to me shows you aren’t certain you’re ready to leave.
My support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It?, should help you clarify your feelings and decide whether there is any way to salvage your marriage.
If you do want to try again, it would be wise to try couples counselling. Contact Tavistock Relationships (020 7380 1975, tavistockrelationships.org).