My lover’s controlling ex is stifling in our relationship
DEAR DEIDRE: I am having the best sex of my life, but my lover can’t break away from her controlling ex.
Although I would really like to make our relationship official, I’m starting to think we will never be together.
I’m 34 and she’s 28. She has a daughter, who is four, by her ex.
We met at a work away-day last summer, although we’re in different departments so don’t work closely together.
From the start we had amazing chemistry and the sex was unreal.
She told me she was single and had split up with her ex more than a year earlier.
I assumed she only saw him when she had to hand over or collect their daughter.
But spending time with her has always been difficult.
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She can’t stay at mine because of her little girl, but she doesn’t like me staying over at her place either — even though I’ve met the child and get on really well with her.
Sometimes she’ll literally hand me my pants and trousers after sex and tell me to go home!
I’ve started to feel like she’s embarrassed of me.
When I asked her to be honest with me, she broke down and admitted that her ex is still very much a part of her life.
She can’t get rid of him. He sometimes stays on the sofa and she never knows when he’ll turn up drunk and nasty.
She says he is insanely jealous and doesn’t want her to meet anyone new.
I think she may even be scared of him.
I really love her and she loves me too, but I can’t carry on like this.
I don’t want an illicit relationship, I want a proper girlfriend and a future. What can I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: I realise how frustrating this is for you, but if you truly love this woman, you need to be patient.
She is in an abusive relationship. Even though they have split, he’s still controlling her.
This isn’t unusual, particularly when there is a child involved.
Please ask her to read my support pack, Abusive Partners, so she understands more about the situation and can get help.
She also needs to take legal advice.
Tell her to contact Rights of Women (rightsofwomen.org.uk), a family law helpline focusing on domestic abuse.
Advice from there can assist her in formalising access arrangements for their daughter.
She may also need to get the police involved to stop him from turning up whenever he likes.
Let her know you’re there for her and will protect her.