I’m racking up debts with shopping sprees since leaving my abusive marriage
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M racking up debts after embarking on a mammoth spending spree.
It started after I left my abusive marriage and finally felt in control of my own money.
I’m 47 and have three daughters, all in their twenties.
My husband didn’t let me spend money on anything – he even controlled the food budget.
Now I’m free, I want to spoil my kids because their dad hasn’t kept in contact with them and I feel guilty.
Spending makes me feel good at the time, but afterwards I feel sick with stress because I don’t have the cash.
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I know I can put this right myself, I just don’t know where to start.
I’m waiting for counselling through my workplace, but the sessions are limited.
I really need help to deal with my anger towards my ex, and the grief I went through during my awful marriage when my parents died.
I feel I pushed this grief to one side because of my husband’s bad attitude.
I had to prioritise our children. How do I change my mindset and stop spending?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Leaving an abusive relationship is extremely hard.
Please believe you gave your daughters the best gift of all when you left.
Spending compulsively is a way of filling an emotional hole but talking to someone will help you.
Read my support packs on Bereavement and Solving Debt Problems, and find help through nationaldebtline.org (0808 808 4000).
How you can get help
Women's Aid has this advice for victims and their families:
- Always keep your phone nearby.
- Get in touch with charities for help, including the Women’s Aid live chat helpline and services such as SupportLine.
- If you are in danger, call 999.
- Familiarise yourself with the Silent Solution, reporting abuse without speaking down the phone, instead dialing “55”.
- Always keep some money on you, including change for a pay phone or bus fare.
- If you suspect your partner is about to attack you, try to go to a lower-risk area of the house – for example, where there is a way out and access to a telephone.
- Avoid the kitchen and garage, where there are likely to be knives or other weapons. Avoid rooms where you might become trapped, such as the bathroom, or where you might be shut into a cupboard or other small space.
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, SupportLine is open Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 6pm to 8pm on 01708 765200. The charity’s email support service is open weekdays and weekends during the crisis – messageinfo@supportline.org.uk.
Women’s Aid provides a live chat service – available weekdays from 8am-6pm and weekends 10am-6pm.
You can also call the freephone 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.