I’m sick of always being the bad cop when it comes to parenting
DEAR DEIDRE: Disagreements over how to parent are driving me and my wife apart, and confusing our children.
We can’t agree on anything: what time they should go to bed, what they should eat, or how to discipline them. She thinks I’m a dictator, and I think she’s a disorganised mess.
We’ve been married for 10 years and have two children, who are six and eight. I’m 42 and she’s 40.
Our relationship was unproblematic until the kids came along. Although she’s the spontaneous type, and I’m more methodical, we complemented each other.
But now our marriage is coming apart at the seams because we bicker all the time and drive each other crazy with frustration.
I’ll say the children should go to bed at a certain time, and she won’t stick to it, allowing them to play for an hour longer.
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Or I’ll allow them to watch TV for half an hour after homework is done, but she’ll let them sit there for two hours before they start.
Once, I wrote out a timetable for the kids – to get them used to planning and prioritising – but my wife laughed and refused to enforce it.
It’s the same with disciplining them. My wife never backs me up and I feel like the ‘bad cop’ all the time.
The children are getting mixed messages and have no routines or boundaries, which makes them tired and grumpy too.
Please help!
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: You and your wife have very different approaches to parenting.
You think routines and boundaries are good for them, while she takes a more relaxed approach.
It’s important that you find a compromise, or this will lead your marriage to break down in the long term.
And your children need to hear a consistent message from both parents. The tension isn’t good for them either.
Could you and your wife agree on what areas of your family life would benefit from structure and which others would benefit from a more flexible approach.
By working this through together you show your children you are both a team and model constructive discussions.
Find help through Family Lives (www.familylives.org.uk, tel 0808 800 2222).
My support pack, Stressed With The Kids, should help too. Do talk to your wife again and tell her you want to try to resolve this.