Our relationships are in bits juggling end of term, holiday admin & work – take our quiz to see if you could be at risk
FRAZZLED mother-of-two Katy-Rose Meaney puts her children to bed.
Then, rather than slinking towards her husband for a kiss and cuddle on the couch, she sneaks off to sleep, alone.
Mentally exhausted from meeting the demands of her children’s school calendar, plus prepping for the six-week summer holiday, Katy — like many mums — is close to breaking point.
And so is her relationship with husband of nine years Nathan, 33.
According to psychologists, this time of year is the most common period for couples to suffer from relationship burnout — with both parties feeling exhausted, disengaged, disconnected, unmotivated and irritable.
“Forget summer lovin’ there has been no chance of that for months,” says Katy, 38.
“And none in sight for the next six to eight weeks.
“Every night, for weeks, I have had to buy, book, order or plan something for the kids for the end of school, so there is no chance of a cosy night with a bottle of wine cuddled up on the couch.
“Lighter nights, and the relaxing of the school day in the run-up to holidays, means no bedtime routine, so we don’t get quality evening time once the kids have gone to bed either.
“No rosé in the garden, and no summer snogs.
“Once they are finally asleep, I’m conking out too. Our relationship has fallen down our list of priorities and we are snapping at each other more.
“Our intimate relationship is in bits because when I fall into bed, exhausted, the last thing on my mind is marital relations.”
Psychologist Emma Kenny says: “Relationship burnout at this time of year is very common. In fact, the last Monday in September after couples have limped through the summer together is the most common day for Brits to decide on a divorce, according to a new study.
“This goes against common wisdom that it is the first working Monday in January.
“The psychology behind this is that while summer is supposed to bring fun, it packs a punch of stress for the organising parent that can take a toll on relationships.
COULD YOU BE AT RISK? THEN TAKE OUR QUIZ
TRY psychologist Emma Kenny’s quiz and read her answers, to see if your partnership is facing burnout, or smouldering nicely.
- When you go to bed are your thoughts preoccupied with life admin or finances?
A. Rarely
B. Sometimes
C. Often
D. Almost always - How frequently do you feel lust for your partner?
A. Very often
B. Once a week
C. Very rarely
D. Never - Are you being intimate with your partner as much as you were eight weeks ago?
A. Yes
B. Not quite
C. Much less than before
D. Almost never - Are you excited to see your partner at the end of the day and have a conflab?
A. Definitely
B. Most of the time
C. Occasionally
D. No - How equal has the planning of the summer holidays been?
A. Completely equal
B. I am booking some things on my own
C. I have booked almost everything
D. My partner has booked nothing - How often do you feel overwhelmed by the additional responsibilities of summer?
A. Never
B. Occasionally
C. Frequently
D. Always - How often are you going to bed angry with each other?
A. Never
B. Sometimes
C. Often
D. Almost always - Have you got time marked in your diary for at least one date day or night during the summer?
A. Definitely
B. We think we can squeeze a coffee in
C. It is looking unlikely
D. Almost certainly not
MOSTLY As: ON FIRE
“You both feel valued and seen. Keep up the great work by continuing to prioritise your relationship, make time for each other and discuss any concerns with your partner to ensure you’re preventing misunderstandings.”
MOSTLY Bs: SMOKING
“Your relationship is generally strong but make it better by sharing tasks and making time for dates. Plan short getaways, even if it’s a takeaway coffee from the local cafe, to ensure continuous improvement and support.”
MOSTLY Cs: FEW EMBERS
“One of you feels undervalued and the other is starting to also feel alienated or disengaged. Consider setting aside dedicated time to discuss your stresses openly and work together to find solutions. Gradually reignite the passion by making eye contact and making small gestures of affection daily.”
MOSTLY Ds: BURNT OUT
“Your relationship is under significant strain and needs immediate attention. Consider professional help – before you get to the point of no return. You can get free talking therapies on the NHS, you do not need a referral from a GP. Ask family or friends for help with childcare so you can spend time together.”
“The pressure from the amount of work that goes into end-of-school preparations, child care juggling for the six-week break and holiday arrangements can feel too much for one person to handle.
“It feels like the entire universe’s schedule is crammed into those last few weeks of the school year.
“Lumped on top there is the financial stress of paying for the school holiday plans and a heaping of social media pressure to look like you’re having the best summer ever.
“These factors combined mean your relationship often falls to the bottom of the priority list and there begins burnout. This refers to feelings of mental, physical and emotional exhaustion that leaves you with feelings of disengagement with the one you share your life with.
“It is the result of the over-involvement in emotionally demanding responsibilities.
‘Military-like precision’
“Signs could include that you’re snapping at each other more, not having as much, or any, sex, and the romance seems to have taken an extended summer vacation without you.”
For Katy, from Wolverhampton, the mental load of the final term of school for seven-year-old George and five-year-old Charlotte has pushed her to the limit.
“Nathan is what would traditionally be called ‘the breadwinner’, so all of the child-related admin of the summer falls to me,” she says.
“We are now heading into the coal-face of the school year — the last few weeks have been chaos to juggle, wrapping things up at work and being available for parents’ evenings, sports days, school stay-and-plays, prize assemblies and class transition days, not to mention PTA commitments.
“There is the school play, the outfit that needs to be provided in advance for the play and last minute non-school uniform days thrown into the mix just to leave me boggled once again.
“Each one of these commitments take military-like precision so none of the balls I am juggling get dropped.”
Reflecting on their roles — Katy is a full-time mum and a freelance writer while Nathan is an account manager — she adds: “I feel like I shouldn’t be bitter as he is working hard so we can pay the bills. But sometimes I crave a thank you for everything I do, which is a lot.
“It is infuriating that my job will be sidelined until September as I do all of the childcare while school is closed, as he has no annual leave left.
“Losing my income over the summer and having days to fill with activities puts an additional financial strain on the household.
“We are lucky to have a Cornish holiday planned for later this month but packing for it is stressful, especially self-catering with young kids, not to mention how unpredictable the British weather can be — all holiday admin that falls to me.”
‘If my husband tries to initiate sex, I’m furious with him. I’m seconds from walking out
Lara
And it’s not only Katy who is feeling like this time of year is a real slog for their relationship.
In a study published in Social Psychology Quarterly, researchers found that one partner’s experience of burnout can cross over to the other partner — it is a contagion that can spread.
Nathan says: “If Katy is uninterested, exhausted, not engaging with me, because she’s so knackered and stressed, I can’t help feel it passing on to me.
“This is supposed to be the season of relaxation but our relationship is deflated and we don’t have the usual connection, and no romance.”
This experience is rife at this time of year — with parents of school-age children suffering the worst.
Forget summer lovin’ there’s no chance of that for the next six to eight weeks
Katy-Rose Meaney
Married mum-of-two Lara*, from Glasgow, says: “The stress of this summer is weighing so heavily on me that I fantasise about walking out on what was a happy nine-year marriage.”
The customer service adviser, who has an 11-year-old and a four-year-old with her 40-year-old husband, says: “I am seconds from walking out of the door and not looking back.
“I’d take both kids with me as I may as well be a single parent anyway, as I do the lion’s share of all organisation.
“Our sex life has disappeared over the last month or two. Even though we have been together for 12 years, married for nine, we have always had sex twice a week — now I cannot remember the last time we were intimate.
“I have always fancied him like mad, but that feeling is scarily fading fast.
‘Breaking point’
“By the time I drag myself to our bed, if my husband tries to initiate sex I feel furious with him, but he cannot see why I’m at breaking point.
“Any warm feelings towards him are petering out as he goes off to the office to do his calm nine-hour day, where he does just that: Work.
“I also work nine-to-five so why does all of the childcare fall to me?
“My mum, who I’ve confided in, says part of the problem is that I don’t delegate to him, but then I’d have to explain all the jobs and that would itself be another job — and they would not be done properly.”
Emma Kenny says: “It’s essential that couples feeling like this communicate and come up with a plan that will leave some down-time just for the two of you.
“Delegate tasks and responsibilities so that no one person feels overwhelmed.
“No one has a perfect summer, and that’s OK. Focus on creating meaningful memories rather than Instagram-worthy moments.
“The simplest activities can bring you closer together and remind you why you’re in this partnership.”
Lara adds: “I hope we don’t become a September separation figure, but my husband needs to start doing his fair share for that to be the case.”
- *Name has been changed