My wife’s extreme fantasies alarm me
DEAR DEIDRE: SEX with my wife has always been great – or so I thought.
Suddenly, after 20 years together, she’s told me she’s not satisfied and she’d like to try bondage and swinging. Should I take part just to please her?
I’m 49 and she’s 47. We have one son, who has gone away to university.
Our sex life has always been active. We both have high sex drives and, aside from a short time after our son was born, we’ve had sex several times a week.
We do it in lots of positions, my wife always orgasms and she’s always made me feel like I’m a good lover.
But last weekend, after we had sex, she said she felt she’d missed out on a lot of experiences in bed.
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She told me she didn’t want to live with regret and not enjoy herself sexually before she got too old.
When I asked what she meant, she said she’d been watching a lot of bondage and group sex porn in secret, and it had really turned her on.
Now she wants to give those things a try with me.
I was shocked, although I tried not to show it, and said I’d think about it.
But the truth is, I know I don’t want to do this. I have no interest in extreme sex.
The idea of bondage doesn’t turn me on and as for swinging, it feels grubby. I couldn’t bear to see her have sex with another man.
It’s really knocked my confidence and made me feel I’m not enough for her – and perhaps never have been.
It’s also made me question whether I know her as well as I thought.
However, I’m worried that if I say no, she will go and do it anyway.
What should I do?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
Deidre says:
You should never feel pressured into doing anything sexually that you don’t want to do – and your wife should understand and accept this.
If you go along with it just to please her, it could wreck your marriage.
Talk to her. Explain how insecure this has made you feel and make it clear that you don’t share her fantasies.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to have this conversation.
Offer a compromise. Suggest exploring other ways to be adventurous in bed together.
Read my support pack, 50 Ways To Add Fun To Sex, which might give you some ideas.