I’m a gardening expert – your rotting shower curtains look tacky & there’s ‘no excuse’ for copying a viral lawn trend
SUN Gardening Editor Veronica Lorraine has tips for you to fix TEN garden fashion crimes on a budget.
Crazy paving
I’M struggling to think of anything good about having a load of different-coloured, haphazard slabs arranged in your garden.
They’re so old-fashioned – and a sure-fire way of instantly dating your outside space.
SOLUTION: Buy some masonry paint (tins start at £4 at B&Q) and cover up the “crazy” with calming colours.
Try to match the paint with furnishings or colour schemes from your kitchen.
It’s a great way of taking the indoors out.
Shower curtains
THIS frankly baffling new trend has seen people actually hang patterned shower curtains in their gardens as a backdrop against a wall.
It’s supposed to look like Grecian ruins or a pretty countryside view of rolling green hills.
Sadly, I beg to differ.
This fad may be very current, but it’s already looking worryingly old.
Plus, shower curtains rot, shedding microplastics into the environment.
And they’re almost impossible to hang in a way that looks remotely authentic or realistic as a background.
SOLUTION: If you’ve got an area you want to hide or cover, buy some climbing plants, like a £15.95 Clematis Montana from Gardening Express – and be patient.
It’s great for the environment and pollinators.
It’s calming, and if you choose fast growers, the wall will be covered up in one season.
Rattan furniture
NOW, I’m not suggesting you rush out and replace all your garden furniture on a whim.
But it’s worth considering how rattan furnishings are starting to look a little bit dated.
A lot of it is plastic – boo! – and it can look very bulky, making your outside space look smaller.
SOLUTION: Consider a chic patio set.
Or try string garden furniture, which is almost see-through and gives the impression of a bigger outside space – whether that’s in your garden or on your balcony.
You can grab this stylish six-seater patio set from B&M for £100, down from £150.
Statue fountains
THEY may be a reminder of that holiday you had in Rome 20 years ago, but there’s nothing cool about a naked cherub with water dribbling out of its mouth.
The chances are you’ve had to fix the little guy in one place, possibly near the water mains, so you haven’t been able to move it in nearly two decades.
No one wants that.
SOLUTION: Line and fill your favourite shallow plant pot with water, and pop a solar fountain in the top.
Birds and insects will love it.
Plus, you can swap it out and change it up when the mood takes you
Artificial lawn
FAKE grass once seemed like a great idea – it is fuss-free, supposedly looks good all year round and involves far less work than a real lawn.
But now we know that artificial lawns are terrible for the environment and ecosystems, they basically kill the soil underneath and they start to smell if you’ve got dogs.
There’s no excuse to still have one.
SOLUTION: Buy a box of £6.99 Miracle-Gro grass seed from Amazon and grow some grass, for goodness sake.
Alternatively, Homebase is selling five turf rolls for £25.
You could simply build a gravel garden using small stones.
Or even create a clover lawn from seed (£7.99, Amazon).
It’s a tough perennial lawn, which doesn’t need as much mowing or anywhere near as much effort.
Plus, they’re great for the environment.
Plastic garland balls
THESE tacky accessories may have looked great hanging in the pristine, sculptured gardens of footballers’ wives-type mansions in the early Noughties.
But they are awful for the environment, the chains rust and, most importantly, they just look really naff.
SOLUTION: Get a good old hanging basket instead and fill it with beautiful flowers.
You can reuse the basket, regularly change the colour scheme, and they are really good for pollinators.
They look quite charming – rather than the bleak, superficial old balls.
Multi-coloured outdoor lights
OU’RE not a clown, so you really don’t need your garden to look like a circus.
Not only are multi-coloured lights very Nineties, the plug-in ones cost a fortune to run, too.
The different colours are also not particularly flattering to the plants when they light up at night.
SOLUTION: Buy garlands of solar lights in soft white (£6, B&M) and then hang artfully from trees or around your balcony, if you have one.
You can also buy the lights on a wire and wrap them around tree trunks, which makes them looky cool at night.
I bought some from Amazon for £13.99 in 2022 and they’re still going strong.
Pampas grass
ALLEGEDLY a tell-tale sign that you and your partner are enthusiastic swingers, this is the ultimate Eighties plant.
It may look beautiful for a small part of the year, but those fronds are lethal and will cut you badly as you brush past them.
Plus, it’s a bit of a beast that constantly needs cutting back.
SOLUTION: Get a Fatsia Japonica plant.
With large glossy leaves, it will bring a touch of the tropical to your outside space, whatever the size.
Oh, and they’re very easy to care for and should last through the winter.
Homebase has a decent one for £14. Sit back and watch it grow.
Large ornaments
I’M thinking windmills, flamingoes, dragons, animals with large or solar-lit eyes and any sort of life-size creature.
It’s just a no.
Your garden shouldn’t resemble a miniature golf course – it’s a place for escaping the madness of everyday life.
Having a large elephant staring at you across the lawn is not conducive to calm.
SOLUTION: Subtlety is the key. If you must have a large animal, get one in colours that blend into the garden.
Or, if you want to grab your guests’ attention, create eye-catching, beautiful borders with co-ordinated planting and colours.
Other options include choosing large plants such as palms or bananas, adding pretty butterfly stakes or installing a calming water feature.
Amazon has loads on offer for under a tenner.
Garden gnomes
PLASTIC, cheap, tacky, scary and old-fashioned – the list of reasons not to have one of these little creatures in your garden is endless.
Unless they’re there for sentimental reasons, having small grinning men poking out from behind bushes is just plain weird.
SOLUTION: If you must have brightly coloured figurines in your garden, at least get the kids involved and make them cute.
Asda has “paint your own” fairies for £5, which are a lot less menacing and will encourage your little ones to get off their screens and show off their artistic skills.