I got my face digitally mapped using formula dubbed ‘the Golden Ratio’ – and I’m officially as beautiful as Kate Moss
NOW, I’ve never really paid much heed to my chin, eyebrows or, indeed, forehead.
As far as I was blissfully concerned, I was no Bruce Forsyth (RIP), no Denis Healey (ditto for the Seventies Chancellor) and no Ant McPartlin so life was fine.
And then a leading plastic surgeon “digitally mapped” my face, in the process comparing it to the top ten most beautiful women of the world — and my hitherto halcyon facial dreams were shattered.
In Golden Ratio terms — the maths formula used to assess beauty — I score a measly 78 per cent for my eyebrows, 80 per cent for my forehead and 83 per cent for my chin.
Queen’s Gambit star Anya Taylor-Joy averaged over 94 per cent, for reference.
So, for my nose at least, I am 16 per cent less palatable than Anya Taylor-Joy. Still, nothing a mini-facelift can’t change.
Elsewhere, though, I was ecstatic to find out I did pretty well — averaging a total of 86.26 per cent.
Sure, I may not be 2024’s answer to Nefertiti, but according to leading facial plastic surgeon Dr Julian De Silva (who may well be sorting my chin, brows and forehead out with his little scalpel soon) I’m no munter. Officially.
My Golden Ratio score is about just one per cent off that of the Princess of Wales (the living one) and Kate Moss.
Ah, but which Kate? Waify, Vogue cover star and supermodel circa 2004, or as she looks today?
“The latter,” I’m told.
Oh. Still, Dr Julian’s remarks on my (flattering) byline photograph are heartening.
“Clemmie has an exceptionally beautiful face and her score of 86.26 per cent compares with some of the most beautiful women in the world,” he says, clearly angling for a nice plug of his Harley Street Centre for Advanced Cosmetic and Plastic Surgery.
“The Princess of Wales, with a score of 87.45 per cent, was only just over one per cent above her.
“Why is Clemmie so beautiful?” (Keep talking, Dr Julian, keep on talking). “She scores very highly for the gap between her nose base and lips which gives her face symmetry.
“She has a beautifully shaped nose (thank you, all my own) and this is reflected in her score of 92 per cent for her nose width and length.
“Her eye position is excellent with a score of 92 per cent. Clemmie’s scores across all the categories were well above average and she would have been elevated into my list of the 50 highest-ranking women alongside 2024’s overall winner, Anya Taylor-Joy, if the scores for her eyebrows and forehead had been higher.”
Gah, that pesky forehead again. Still, I am pretty chuffed with these results and just hope the next time I’m marauding around a bar of a Friday night, someone approaches me with a ruler to measure my pleasingly symmetrical face.
Ah, but here lies the problem. Although undoubtedly very striking and beautiful, is Anya really the world’s most gorgeous woman?
Nose-lip base length
Is she two per cent more beautiful than, say, Beyonce? Or hotter than Margot Robbie, whom I would kill with my own bare hands to look like.
(To clarify, I wouldn’t kill Margot Robbie to look like Margot Robbie, but maybe a small rodent or grass snake).
Because, let’s face it, while we can all arbitrarily agree that these women are all insanely good-looking, attractiveness lies way beyond the epidermis.
Charisma — or rizz, as Gen Z say — is far, far more important in my (92 per cented) eyes. As are humour, kindness and intelligence.
All of these make someone sexy.
A satisfactory nose-lip base length does not do it for me but the complete package — personality, confidence and looks — does.
And no ruler or digital software can gauge that.
Nonetheless, plastic surgeons are increasingly using the Golden Ratio formula when inspecting would-be patients’ faces.
A visually balanced face is apparently approximately 1.618 times longer than it is wide — meaning 1.618 is the magic number.
Similarly, the distance from the top of the nose to the centre of the lips should be around 1.618 times the distance from the centre of the lips to the chin, while the hairline to the upper eyelid is classically 1.618 times the length of the top of the upper eyebrow to the lower eyelid.
Think they’re hot
And so on.
But, again, what does this all mean, really?
I could look at a photoshoot of a model and think they’re hot then meet them in the flesh and be left utterly cold.
My first crushes were Jason Donovan, who had a mullet at the time, and Gary Lineker who, by his own admission, has ears like jugs.
Neither of them would have scored a perfect 100 per cent on the Golden Ratio but to my young, untrained eye they were veritable Adonises.
Today, if I could look like any woman in the world it would probably be Emma Stone, who doesn’t feature anywhere in the Top Ten but has an insanely sexy voice and an unquantifiable charisma.
But back to me.
Having established it’s all nonsense, I am still deeply tempted to add 86.26 per cent to my CV, my Instagram and X handles, LinkedIn, and send it to those nice chaps at Wikipedia to see if they can update my page.
Failing that, and with a shandy down me, I’m going to start introducing myself as “beautiful Clemmie, eight per cent uglier than Bella Hadid”.