I binned off the traditional family holiday to go away by myself – people judge me for leaving the kids but I need sleep
FOR many of us, the summer will mean spending quality time with our families on a long-awaited holiday.
However, for mum-of-three Ivana Poku, it was a chance to do the opposite.
Instead of whisking her family off on a break together, she ditched her husband and children to travel alone during the school holidays.
The 40-year-old from Fife, Scotland, travelled to the Czech Republic where she spent a week catching up with friends, and enjoying evenings out.
But while some may be quick to judge, Ivana – who has eight-year-old twins and a toddler- did not feel guilty about going alone.
She says she was able to use the time to catch up on some sleep, and hoped to feel refreshed and recharged afterwards.
Despite it being “difficult” to leave her family behind, Ivana says her seven solo nights in Prague have been “amazing”.
In fact, she believes more parents should consider trips alone.
“It’s been amazing – it’s even better than a spa weekend,” Ivana explains in this exclusive interview.
“I’ve stayed with my friends for one week and it’s been very good to recharge.
“My friends know how hard I’ve had it throughout the years, so they spoil me rotten and have been pampering me.”
Ivana originally went on the trip to attend a wedding but decided to extend it to spend some much-needed solo time.
She says: “We all got invited but it was just too complicated in terms of the flights, pricing and having three children.
“My husband and I came to the mutual decision that only I will go, and since I have lots of friends over there I decided to make the most out of it and stay a bit longer.
“I was quite emotional when leaving but kept reminding myself that it was good for me and for my family and it turns out I was right.”
Ivana says her twin boys, Henry and Mason, and her two-year-old son Yaw were “emotional” ahead of her departure and it left her feeling guilty.
But she forced herself to push through her own feelings and spend a week 1,252 miles away from her kids.
Ivana, who is originally from Slovakia, says her husband Yaw, 48, was very supportive of her choice and felt it would help their sons feel more independent.
And Ivana’s mother stayed at the family home to help out with her grandchildren.
She says: “It wasn’t easy to leave but I had to suck it up basically and just go.
“After two days away, I really started to think, ‘Oh actually this is nice’.
“I can see in myself and how I feel now that it did help and it’s good for my kids too.”
Ivana, who doesn’t have a family holiday planned, says she rarely gets time away from her children.
“I’m with them all year on my own basically – most of the time anyway,” she says.
“We don’t have any other family around in Scotland, so it’s all me.
“Of course, as a mum, being away from them does get to you and you start feeling guilty.
How to survive six weeks of school summer holidays
IF you are struggling with the six week summer holidays, you've come to the right place...
BATTLING BOREDOM: Despite hours of activities and playdates, if your kids are already complaining there’s nothing to do, parenting expert Liat Hughes Joshi says: “Don’t feel you have to organise every second of the holidays. Kids benefit from boredom and learn to make their own fun.
“Boredom can trigger creative and imaginative play but you need to encourage kids to get used to not being told how to spend their time.
“Ride out the pleas of boredom. Counter it with comments such as, ‘What do you think you could do?’ and maybe have a list of ‘I’m bored’ activity ideas on the fridge.”
SCREEN OVERLOAD: It’s tempting during the holidays to rely on a digital babysitter but don’t let them gawp their whole summer away in front of a screen.
Liat says: “It’s unfair to expect older kids to power down but it’s important to set some ground rules.
“Set family tech rules together. If you’re often distracted by your phone, follow the rules too. Maybe tell the kids they aren’t allowed any screen time until they’ve done set chores, some exercise, or a board game.
“Are there times when you’d like to ban screens completely? Perhaps during dinner or when they have friends over to visit.
“Tech is a battleground for parents, but you have to set boundaries. Stand firm and be prepared to be unpopular.”
TOO MUCH TOGETHERNESS: You love your kids, but being with them 24/7 can be exhausting. Do not feel guilty if you need a bit of downtime.
Liat says: “If you’re juggling work and household tasks as well as occupying the kids, it’s normal to start feeling overwhelmed or jaded and in need of some peace.
“If you can’t afford or don’t want to send your kids to all-day camps, look for free kids’ workshops so you can get on with jobs or have a break for a couple of hours.
“Seeking a spell of quiet every now and then doesn’t make you a bad parent — in fact it will probably make you more positive and enthusiastic when you are with the kids.”
SCHEDULING CONFLICT: Schedules can go out the window during holidays, but late nights and early mornings can mean tired and unhappy children.
Dr Tamara Bugembe, paediatrician and founder of Helperbees.co.uk says: “Children get grumpy, test boundaries and become challenging when routines are broken.
“Sticking to some kind of routine during the holidays is a good idea.
“We release hormones at different times of the day and when regular meal times and bed times are broken, it causes dips and peaks in mood.
“Holidays are about having fun but an early night once or twice a week will make everyone happier.”
EXCESS ENERGY: Make sure kids get out in the fresh air to tire them out — and make them healthier and happier.
Dr Bugembe says: “Sunshine also tops up vital vitamin D levels which helps improve bone strength and energy levels in children. Our levels run low in winter so let the kids stock up in warmer weather.
“Letting them run around in shorts and a T-shirt is the best way to top up. Make sure they’re wearing sun cream, get outside and have fun.
“Encourage them to try healthy habits such as cycling and walking. They’ll hopefully get hooked and want to carry them on when the weather gets colder.”
“Mum guilt isn’t nice and it’s a normal feeling, but we can’t give in to that.
“If you don’t do anything for yourself as a parent then it doesn’t work for anyone and you aren’t at your best.
“I find I can be shouty and grumpy and what good would that be to my kids?
“This is why I wanted to come back and feel refreshed.
“The biggest benefit has been that I have filled my cup and I can be a better mum because of that.”
Ivana spoke on the phone with her children every day and says they have enjoyed spending quality time with their dad, going to the park and playing football together.
The mum feels that more mothers should take breaks every so often so that they can be emotionally available for their children.
She adds: “If I went away all the time then of course that wouldn’t be good, but if I go once a year or twice a year I think it benefits everyone.
I could’ve stayed at home so that I wouldn’t feel guilty but how would that help them and how would that help me?
Ivana Poku
“I’m surprised at how good the trip was so I definitely want to do this more often, but not too often. It’s all about balance.
“I don’t want my kids to be too dependent, and I don’t want either of us to feel like we can’t exist without each other.
“It also helps my husband to appreciate how hard things can be.
“He helps out a lot but it’s different when you spend a few hours with them as opposed to a whole week.
“It’s also nice as this gives all of us a chance to miss each other.
“We’re always together, it’s something very refreshing.
“I could never find a reason as to why mums shouldn’t try this as it benefits everyone.”
Ivana, who is a maternal mental health advocate, shares her journey online and has received backlash in the past for taking only one of her sons on holiday.
She took him back home to her home country Slovakia to get a break from the daily madness and to have some help from family.
Her twin boys had to go to school and so she was unable to take them with her.
Ivana plans on going on more solo trips in the future, perhaps once or twice a year.
Next time, she would like to go away just for the weekend, rather than an entire week.
And her husband Yaw is going away alone in August to visit his old friends in London.
But she doesn’t let comments get to her, as she knows she is doing what feels is best for her and her family.
Ivana says: “I could’ve stayed at home so that I wouldn’t feel guilty but how would that help them and how would that help me?
“So many parents are physically present but they aren’t emotionally available, and I think that is much worse.
“As a mum, it’s important to realise that by putting our needs first sometimes, we are also putting them first as well.
“I’m actually a maternal mental health advocate, and I support mums and mental health so I like to share what I get up to online.
“I have been judged by others in the past when I’ve been away with just one of my sons but it’s not about other people.
“I always try to ask myself when I die, how do I want to feel?
“I want to feel like I’ve enjoyed my life and done my best, and I don’t want to feel like I have lived my life for someone else.”
As well as being a maternal mental health advocate, she is also an award winning mentor and has a website dedicated to helping mothers and their families, find out more at mumsjourney.com.
