I’m catfishing my own boyfriend – now he’s cheating on me with me, I feel dirty & hate myself but don’t know how to stop
CATFISHING, where someone creates a fake online persona to trick others, has become pretty common with the rise of social media.
While we often hear about strangers using it to pull emotional or financial scams, it can also happen in closer relationships – and even between romantic partners.
One girlfriend found herself in a sticky situation after catfishing her own boyfriend.
The woman, who has chosen to remain anonymous, discovered that her boyfriend is cheating on her with the fake online character that she created herself.
Desperate for some advice, the girlfriend took to online forum Mumsnet and explained her side of the story.
She wrote: “I’ve been going through a difficult period with the death of my father, and I’ve been feeling insecure and slightly all over the place.
“I haven’t found my boyfriend of two and a half years to be as supportive as expected, and I’ve had a feeling in my gut.
“I wasn’t sure if this was due to grief or a genuine suspicion.
“I was with a friend when something from Instagram popped up, and it was my boyfriend posting.
“I don’t check his Instagram much or go into it very often myself. But when I took a closer look, to my surprise, his profile was open.”
The suspicious girlfriend dug out an old iPhone of hers that she used to have before she met her boyfriend, which meant he didn’t have her number, and set up a new Instagram account.
She continues: “I put a few fake photos of an attractive woman (I know this was stupid, please don’t judge me).
“I started following him and sent him a message. Very innocuous, about his hobby.
“Anyway, long story short, fake me and he are now talking every day about him, his life; everything.
“It’s gone over to WhatsApp, instigated by him, and it’s a continuous conversation.
“He has told ‘her’ about me, and he veers between being respectful of me and testing boundaries.
“The implication is we’re very stressed and not very happy as a couple right now.
So even some of the offers to meet this woman alone could also fall under this banner
The girlfriend
“He wants to meet around a hobby group that ‘we’ both have in common (my fake profile and him) but is sitting in the camp of ‘friends’ at the moment.
“He has sent both pictures of him alone and pictures of him and me but has implied that he can meet ‘her’ alone and I will not be there.
“Honestly, all I am feeling from this is that I hate myself.
“I feel dirty and like I am the deceptive one. I think I wanted to know for certain whether he was open to other people or not, or whether I should protect my heart or not.
“And I am still on the fence.
“If I confronted him with any of this, there is nothing in particular I could accuse him of, even if he ‘showed’ me the messages.
“Willingness to meet someone else about a hobby, responding to very direct buttons being pushed by me under my fake profile in his specific areas of interest. Or am I being delusional?”
The anonymous girlfriend went on to reveal an additional “slight spanner in the works.”
Dump him and take some time for yourself and consider why you needed to do this
Mumsnet comment
She says: “From the beginning of our relationship, we agreed that we would both like to have a threesome at some point with another woman.
“In the last six months, we have talked about it quite a bit, but life has got in the way, including the death of my dad.
“So even some of the offers to meet this woman alone could also fall under this banner (‘I was meeting her for us’).”
The woman revealed that she is “now stuck” and “can’t take it to any conclusion.”
She then went on to ask Mumsnet users: “Unless you have any bright ideas of things I should ask him while I am still pretending?
“And I feel guilty and embarrassed that I have done it.
“Just wanted to vent, and there is no way I am telling my friends or anyone in real life that I have done this.”
The post gained a lot of attention with many people rushing to the comments section to share their thoughts.
One wrote: “You’re both as bad as each other.
“Dump him and stop sneaking about. If you feel like you’re the deceptive one it’s because you are (you both are).
5 red flags that you’re dating a catfish
New data has revealed that 40 per cent of us know someone who has been catfished, while 22 per cent have fallen for catfish themselves.
April Davis, founder and president of LUMA Luxury Matchmaking, has shared five key ways you can catch a catfish.
1. You can’t find them online
Almost everyone has a social media presence – especially those who are willing to try dating apps. So if you can’t find them anywhere online, like a Facebook, Instagram or even LinkedIn account, this could be a major red flag.
April says: “If you’re suspicious, ask to add them on Facebook or Instagram. If they refuse or the account they send you looks new, that’s a red flag.”
2. Conversations got personal, quickly
Catfish are well known for ‘love-bombing,’ which is a form of emotional manipulation.
So, if the person you’re talking to immediately goes over the top with compliments, wants to communicate all the time, and makes statements like ‘I love you’ within a few days of speaking, it’s a big red flag.
3. They don’t open up
If someone is asking a lot of questions about you but is not willing to offer up much in return, this could be a catfish red flag.
This is because these scammers are, of course, not who they say they are and it can be hard for them to keep their lies straight.
As a result, most catfishes would rather not give out any personal info at all if they can help it.
4. They ask for money
Asking for money, no matter the reason, is a huge red flag.
Whether they want a bank transfer or your credit card number, catfishes have a wide range of sob stories to tell when it’s time to try to swindle you out of your cash.
5. They won’t show their face
Unsurprisingly, someone who doesn’t want to show who they are in a video call or real-time pictures could be a catfish.
The last thing a catfish wants is for you to see their real face because they usually steal pictures from someone else to use.
This means they are likely to refuse to send photos or do video calls.
“And stop dragging some poor innocent woman into this mess, by using her photos without her permission.
“It’s toxic, end it.”
Another added: “Break up with him and get a therapist.”
Whilst a third said: “Yes it was stupid and I am judging you.
“If you feel the need to sneak around gathering evidence of infidelity then the relationship is dead anyway.
“Dump him and take some time for yourself and consider why you needed to do this.”
Is it illegal to catfish someone?
Catfishing itself is not explicitly illegal in many jurisdictions, including the UK.
However, the act of catfishing can involve behaviours that are illegal or can lead to legal consequences.
For instance:
- Fraud: If a person uses a fake identity to deceive someone for financial gain, it can be considered fraud, which is illegal.
- Harassment: Persistent or threatening behaviour under a fake identity can constitute harassment.
- Defamation: Making false statements that harm someone’s reputation can lead to defamation claims.
- Identity Theft: Using someone else’s personal information without their permission can be considered identity theft.
- Emotional Distress: In some cases, causing severe emotional distress through deceit could lead to civil claims for damages.