My pals were jealous of my ‘perfect’ teen boyfriend – but his secret dark side left me terrified
PINNED to the bed by the weight of her boyfriend’s body, Alice* felt her heart race in panic.
“No matter how many times I said ‘no’ to sex, he wouldn’t stop pressuring me. He kept insisting I would enjoy it, and if I loved him I would do it,” remembers Alice.
“I knew if I didn’t go along with what he wanted, he’d give me the silent treatment or accuse me of not caring about him. So, even though I really didn’t want to have sex, I reluctantly agreed, just to keep him happy.”
Only 17 at the time, Alice, now 20, was yet to realise she was in the grips of an abusive relationship with another teenager.
And she’s not alone.
Statistics from the National Police Chiefs’ Council reveal that teens aged 16-19 are the fastest-growing group of offenders and victims of domestic abuse, which can include physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse.
While it can happen to anyone, girls are the most at-risk group of being victims, with 25% of those aged 13-17 experiencing partner violence, according to a 2019 survey by the NSPCC.
Psychotherapist Cathy Press is the author of When Love Bites, a young person’s guide to escaping toxic relationships.
She’s helped hundreds of teenagers who have experienced domestic abuse, and says that social media is a massive factor as to why it’s growing so fast.
“A recent report from Women’s Aid showed evidence that there’s a direct link between young people viewing harmful misogynistic content online, and the normalisation of unhealthy behaviours in relationships,” she says.
“For example, those who have viewed such content, including from influencers like Andrew Tate – who’s currently facing charges of trafficking and rape in Romania – are five times more likely to view hurting someone physically as acceptable if you say sorry afterwards.
“The report also found worrying actions indicative of controlling behaviour, including love bombing, stalking and the giving of unwanted gifts, are normalised by those who have been exposed to harmful content online.”
Alice, from the north of England, met Rory* through a local sports club three years ago.
“He was popular, good-looking and, for around a month, he was the perfect boyfriend,” says Alice.
“He was my first serious relationship. He was a year older, and my friends were so envious. Within weeks, though, he began to pressure me into having sex, even though I was a virgin.
“At first, I refused. I was only 17 and didn’t feel ready, plus we’d only been together a matter of weeks. He was so persistent, though. He told me that if I didn’t, it meant I didn’t really want to be with him, and when I refused he would ghost me for days.
“I liked him and wanted us to be happy, and I wondered if he was right and I was weird. So I slept with him, even though it really wasn’t what I wanted.”
Rory and his friends, like so many teenage boys nowadays, watched porn and that influenced his behaviour in the bedroom.
‘He was the perfect boyfriend when we first started dating’
“He was really into spanking me very hard, and when I told him he was hurting me and I wanted him to stop, he laughed and said I was overreacting,” Alice says.
“Looking back, I can see sex was all about his pleasure, not mine, but with nothing to compare it to, I didn’t realise that at the time.
HOW YOU CAN GET HELP:
Women's Aid has this advice for victims and their families
- Always keep your phone nearby.
- Get in touch with charities for help, including the Women’s Aid live chat helpline and services such as SupportLine.
- If you are in danger, call 999.
- Familiarise yourself with the Silent Solution, reporting abuse without speaking down the phone, instead dialing “55”.
- Always keep some money on you, including change for a pay phone or bus fare.
- If you suspect your partner is about to attack you, try to go to a lower-risk area of the house – for example, where there is a way out and access to a telephone.
- Avoid the kitchen and garage, where there are likely to be knives or other weapons. Avoid rooms where you might become trapped, such as the bathroom, or where you might be shut into a cupboard or other small space.
If you are a victim of domestic abuse, SupportLine is open Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday from 6pm to 8pm on 01708 765200. The charity’s email support service is open weekdays and weekends during the crisis – messageinfo@supportline.org.uk.
Women’s Aid provides a live chat service – available weekdays from 8am-6pm and weekends 10am-6pm.
You can also call the freephone 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
“Once we’d started sleeping together, he became very handsy in public, groping my breasts and genitals, which his friends found funny.
“But it felt very possessive, as if he was saying: ‘I can do whatever I like because she’s mine.’ A number of times, I woke up to find him touching me while I had been asleep, too.”
When Alice tried to talk to Rory about his behaviour, he would become emotionally abusive – although, again, she didn’t see it for what it was at the time.
She says: “He’d either gaslight me, telling me I was wrong about what had happened, or that I was overreacting. Or he would get angry and sullen, cutting off contact for several days.
‘He would grope me in public, which his friends found funny’
“He could also be so caring and lovely, and fun to be with. But with hindsight, I see he was often the best version of himself after an incident of sexual or emotional abuse.”
Alice confided in a few close friends who were shocked, but like her, didn’t recognise Rory’s behaviour as abuse.
“In my mind, victims of domestic abuse were married women whose husbands beat them. Not someone studying for her A levels without a bruise or scar,” she says.
Things came to a head in late 2022, when Rory was drunk and locked her in a bathroom at his parents’ home during a party and tried to force her to have sex.
A recent report from Women’s Aid showed evidence that there’s a direct link between young people viewing harmful misogynistic content online, and the normalisation of unhealthy behaviours in relationships
Cathy Press
“In that moment, I really believed he was going to rape me,” Alice says.
“I convinced him we couldn’t have sex while his parents were upstairs and got out of the bathroom, but it was terrifying.
“Soon after, I was invited to go on holiday with his family. Just the thought of being away with him sent me into a panic, and I knew it was time to end things with him. He was shocked and begged me to reconsider. He just didn’t accept that the way he’d treated me was wrong.
“A few months after we broke up, I received a long, angry email from him. It had got back to him what I’d confided in friends, especially about his sexual behaviour, and he was furious. A friend of his is a lawyer and he threatened to take me to court if I said another word.
“I was so scared, and since then I’ve never spoken about what he did. Knowing he has silenced me is hard to bear. It’s just another form of abuse.”
Cathy explains that because teens are experiencing their first relationships, there’s no benchmark for which behaviours they find uncomfortable or unacceptable.
“This lack of understanding of the behaviour they experience is a big part of why teenagers are so reluctant to tell anyone what they’re going through. Their partner also convinces them or gaslights them into believing this behaviour is not a big deal,” says Cathy.
Another problem is that adults, too, may also see these behaviours as normal or believe that domestic abuse can’t happen to teenagers, because their image of domestic abuse is only between adults.
‘There are young people today who see strangulation as normal’
According to assistant chief constable Katy Barrow-Grint, co-author of Policing Domestic Abuse, it is difficult to quantify the extent of the problem, as official figures only record incidents as domestic abuse where victims are 16 or older.
“The law, as it stands, doesn’t classify cases whereby a 15 year old in a sexual relationship, with coercive control or other forms of abuse, as domestic abuse.
“Of course, it would be investigated as a crime, but it would not be counted as domestic abuse, which I think is a concern,” says Katy.
“And it’s not just a police issue. We deal with the reactive side, the consequences. But as a society, we need to ask: ‘Where do we want to go with this? What are we doing in education? What are we doing in social care? What can parents do?’
“There are young people today who see things such as strangulation in relationships as normal. They are learning about relationships from the internet, and watching sexual violence at a much younger age, and seeing this as normal in their own relationships.
“I just think: ‘How have we possibly got to that point, and what can we do to help prevent this violence from moving forward?’”
In my mind, victims of domestic abuse were married women whose husbands beat them. Not someone studying for her A levels without a bruise or scar
Alice
Student Sarah* was just 14 when she found herself trapped in an abusive relationship. It began after her parents split up and her mum moved out.
“It was an awful time,” Sarah, now 19, says.
“My dad began neglecting me and, not wanting to tell my friends what was going on, I sought comfort from the 15-year-old boy I’d recently started dating. From the beginning, he was controlling. If I didn’t answer my phone immediately, he’d be messaging asking where I was.
”He also stopped me from seeing my friends, and made me wait 45 minutes outside his flat before letting me come up.
“If I said I’d been to the gym, he’d look me up and down and say it doesn’t look like it. He’d criticise what I was wearing and how my hair looked, and when I changed my hair to how he wanted, he criticised that, too.”
The abuse had a profound effect on Sarah. “My confidence was at an all-time low and I didn’t know who I was, how I wanted to dress or just be. He made me question my whole identity at an age where I was trying to find out what my identity was,” she says.
‘My boyfriend made me question my whole identity’
“Being at his flat was an escape from home. He lived nearby and was the only person who I could consistently see. Experiencing depression and anxiety, I was scared that without him and the escape he gave me, I would do something to myself.”
After 18 months, Sarah left her hometown for university and was finally able to cut her boyfriend off. It was only then that she realised she had been under his control.
“It wasn’t a proper relationship, but it has stayed with me and stopped me from wanting to get into another relationship. I’d rather be alone, because how do I know if a nice boy is just pretending to be nice?” she says.
“There are times I still break down thinking of what happened. People need to know that there’s someone to support you, to say they’re there for you, to listen in a non-judgemental way and give helpful, practical advice.”
Cathy says the most important thing we can do for teenagers and young people is to educate them on the warning signs, red flags and unacceptable behaviours of a controlling partner.
At the same time, it’s crucial that we also inform them of what supportive and healthy behaviours look like in a truly loving partner.
‘No girl thinks it will happen to them’
“It’s only through rewriting the narrative of what constitutes loving behaviour, will teenagers — whether victim or abuser — better understand the effect and damage of controlling behaviours and see these behaviours and beliefs decrease,” says Cathy.
Alice, who is now at university, is in a new relationship and says it has taken time for her to trust again.
She says: “The first time I didn’t feel like sleeping with my new partner, I was so worried about telling him.
“My only blueprint was the way Rory would behave, so when he said it was totally fine, I was so stunned and relieved, I burst into tears. It’s taken this relationship to teach me what a normal, safe one feels like.
“No girl thinks domestic abuse will happen to them, but, like all women, we sadly need to be aware of the red flags. Being young is no protection from abuse.”
- *Names have been changed.
- For more info, visit Lmkletmeknow.org.
- Call Childline on 0800 1111 or sign up to Childline.org.uk to message an expert.
- When Love Bites by Cathy Press is available from Cathypress.co.uk.
- Policing Domestic Abuse by Katy Barrow-Grint, Jacqueline Sebire & Jackie Turton (£33.99, Routledge Taylor & Francis Group) is out now.