My late wife’s family are spoiling our children and it’s sending the wrong message

DEAR DEIDRE: HOW do you tell a well-meaning relative to back off?

My wife died three years ago, leaving me a single dad to our twin 17-year-old boys.

It’s been tough, but I’ve had lots of support from family and friends.

Except my late-wife’s family are TOO supportive.

They’re constantly spending money on my children and I think it’s sending the wrong message.

I want my sons to grow up knowing the value of money, so I’ve encouraged them to get weekend jobs and save up towards new gadgets or phones.

But whenever I’m not looking, their grandparents slip them money or buy them whatever they want.

It came to a head over Christmas and I’m fuming.

Without telling me, my father-in-law announced his present to the boys was that he was going to buy them a car each.

My sons are obviously over the moon but I’m furious.

As a father, it’s my job to help my sons choose their first car. It’s a rite of passage.

I had also planned to ask my sons to contribute towards the cost from their savings, to teach them the value of money.

I feel they would look after a car better if they had helped pay for it.

But now they have been offered a free car each, I’ll look like Scrooge if I kick up a fuss.

DEIDRE SAYS: Many grandparents indulge their grandchildren.

It may be that your in-laws are trying to compensate your sons for no longer having their mum.

They might also be very keen to nurture their relationship with their grandchildren because it’s their last tie to their daughter.

I understand why the car gesture annoyed you, but I would be surprised if they meant to hurt your feelings or undermine your authority.

Instead, they probably noticed how you have been working hard to provide for your family and thought it would help you out.

Rather than fuming in secret, have an open chat with your in-laws.

You would be perfectly within your rights to ask that they discuss any gifts with you first.

Explain why you would prefer your sons to pay towards the cars, and find a compromise – perhaps the grand­parents could put some of the car money aside to help pay for college?

The last thing you need is for you all to fall out.

My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, will help you to talk to them without causing a row.