I wanted to propose to my girlfriend – but then she cheated on me with man she met at bar
DEAR DEIDRE: ALL I want is to finally propose to my girlfriend, but no matter what I do, I can’t get past her sleeping with someone else.
I know she regrets it, and while she has done all she can to make it up to me, it’s constantly playing on my mind.
I’m 32, she’s 29, and we’ve been together for four years.
Since the moment we met, we’ve been inseparable, and I truly believe that she’s my person.
She never gave me a single reason not to trust her, and no part of me believed she could betray me.
Yet, a year and a half ago, when she went out to celebrate a friend’s birthday, she didn’t return home.
I assumed she had stayed over at her mate’s house, but my heart was shattered when she came back crying and confessed she had cheated on me with someone she had met at a bar.
At the time our relationship was flourishing, and we’d just moved in together, so it really threw a spanner in the works.
While it hurt me deeply, we decided to stay together and work things through because of how much we loved each other.
Honestly, things have been much better, and the trust has started to grow back, but despite all my efforts, it still bothers me.
I want to take the next step in our relationship, but I’m worried that I’m never going to let go of what she did.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: How can I move on from this?
The way you’re feeling is absolutely natural. Fully moving on from a betrayal and rebuilding trust in a relationship can sometimes take years.
The best thing you can do is be honest with your girlfriend and explain how you’ve been feeling.
Tell her how much her infidelity hurt you and that you’re having a hard time letting it go.
With open communication and honesty, it is possible to make it past this, but it will be something you’ll need to do together.
Consider arranging counselling together via Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960).
My support pack, Cheating – Can You Get Over It?, will also help you to work through things.
In the meantime, put your proposal plans on hold. It’s crucial you fix the problems in your relationship before making any big decisions.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
FOUR YEARS ON, MY GRIEF FOR BRO IS STILL AS BAD
DEAR DEIDRE: IT’S been four years since my brother took his life, and my grief still feels as heavy as the day it happened.
Every morning I wake up dreading the day ahead, and no matter what I do, I just can’t move on with my life.
I’m 52, and my brother was 49 when I lost him.
Since we were kids, we were always so close, and I would even go as far as to call him my best friend.
I knew he’d been struggling with his mental health for a while, but I’d helped him get into therapy, and I thought things were improving, so the news of his suicide shook me to my core.
To this day I still can’t get over the fact that he is actually gone, and it’s really taking its toll on me.
I miss him so much, and feel so guilty that I didn’t do enough to save him.
I know he would want me to be happy, but I’m miserable. How do I move on?
You're Not Alone
EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide
It doesn’t discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.
It’s the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.
And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.
Yet it’s rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.
That is why The Sun launched the You’re Not Alone campaign.
The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.
Let’s all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You’re Not Alone.
If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:
- CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
- Heads Together,www.headstogether.org.uk
- HUMEN www.wearehumen.org
- Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
- Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
- Samaritans,www.samaritans.org, 116 123
DEIDRE SAYS: You have experienced a terrible loss in such a tragic way, so it’s not surprising you’re still finding it hard to cope.
Grief is a long journey, and even years later it can still feel overwhelming, so know that you are not alone.
See my support pack, Coping With Bereavement, and consider contacting a grief counsellor to talk things through.
Sue Ryder (sueryder.org) offers free counselling. Also consider talking to your GP.
TERRIFIED I MUST BE GRAVELY UNWELL
DEAR DEIDRE: HEALTH-related anxiety is taking over my life.
Whether it’s aches and pains or chronic fatigue and nausea, I always have symptoms.
Over the last few years, my nerves have spiralled out of control and I can’t stop fearing that I’m seriously ill.
I’m a 42-year-old woman. I often visit my GP and I’m constantly researching online, trying to find out what’s wrong with me.
Everyone tells me I’m perfectly healthy, but something in my gut will never let me believe it.
My husband says I’m a hypochondriac, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t shake the worry.
What if there’s something deeply wrong and the doctors have missed it? People fall ill and drop dead all the time.
DEIDRE SAYS: Health anxiety is a common problem and is said to worsen with age.
As we grow older, we become more aware of our mortality and are increasingly likely to get a serious illness, so it is natural that you’re more concerned.
However, constantly worrying can have a debilitating effect on your wellbeing and quality of life, so it’s important you get some support.
Contact Anxiety UK (anxietyuk.org.uk, 03444 775 774), who have advice.
My support pack, Living With Anxiety, can also help.
MY NEW FELLA IS MOVING TOO FAST
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER many failed toxic relationships, I have finally met a decent guy who I can see a future with – but I’m worried things are moving too fast.
He is everything I’ve ever wanted and, while I don’t want to self-sabotage, the breakneck speed our relationship is developing at is making me feel under pressure and even a little suffocated.
I’m 27, he’s 29, and we’ve been seeing one another for six months.
After multiple bad experiences I had sworn off dating but, when we met at a wedding, our chemistry was undeniable.
We became very serious, very fast. Within the first month, he told me he loved me, and now he is even talking about moving in together and looking at engagement rings.
While it’s so nice to finally be with someone who is capable of commitment, some background alarm bells are ringing for me.
I don’t know if I’m creating something out of nothing, but this feels like too much, too soon.
The last thing I want is to push him away, but I’m starting to feel so pressured.
I don’t know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: When we’ve had bad experiences in the past, it’s normal to have anxieties and find it difficult to trust again.
While it’s possible your worries are rooted in old wounds, it could also be that you’re recognising early warning signs.
Moving too fast, too soon, can sometimes be the result of love bombing, which is a type of emotional manipulation.
Take a step back and explain to your partner that you need to take things more slowly if your relationship is going to work. If he’s the right person, he’ll understand.
My support pack, How To Look After Your Relationship, will help you to have this conversation with him.