The six steps to save your relationship… from a divorce lawyer and psychologist
With Valentine’s Day on the horizon, it may be that you’re feeling anything but smitten.
Relationships aren’t always plain sailing, and it’s hard to admit that you’ve lost the closeness you once had, or you’re stuck in a repetitive rut of arguing and blaming each other.
But don’t give up hope.
We asked psychologist and relationship expert Mairéad and divorce and separation coach Tom Nash from Pivot about the common problems they see in couples – and how to fix them.
Here, they share the tips they give their clients.
FEELING DISCONNECTED
With work, children and other commitments to juggle, time together as a couple slips away and, before you know it, you’re living separate lives.
Tom suggests scheduling quality time together, much like a calendar appointment. “Set short, regular slots for each other and treat this time as non-negotiable,” he says.
But merely sitting watching TV or just being around one another isn’t always quality time, so get creative with date nights, activities and getaways.
Daily connection is also key. “Send a text during the day or make a quick phone call to show you care,” says Tom.
“At bedtime, talk or cuddle without screens. Look to do shared activities – involve the family, but put away distractions such as phones.
“Or, if you want time away from the kids, ask for help. Can family or friends look after the children, even briefly, to allow for some quality time together?”
LACK OF TRUST
The root cause of a loss of trust isn’t just infidelity – it could be that your partner’s actions don’t align with their words, they are emotionally unavailable or repeatedly violate agreed boundaries.
“Approach the conversation with curiosity, rather than accusation or aggression,” Mairéad says.
“Try opening with: ‘I’ve noticed I’m feeling uneasy about some things and I want to understand why. Can we talk about it?’ or: ‘I’m struggling with trust lately, and it is important to me that we work through this together. Can we look at what might be causing it?’”
Take turns speaking, listen actively and avoid interrupting or reacting. To rebuild trust, Tom says: “Follow through on promises, as consistency matters.
“Communicate well, listen, be present and hold each other accountable for changes. Seek expert help if needed, and respond positively when your partner does try to reconnect.”
STAY-AT-HOME RESENTMENT
Are you resentful of your partner’s freedom, while you take on most of the childcare burden and running of the household?
Or maybe it’s vice versa and you wish you could be at home with the kids? No wonder there is tension in the relationship.
“The stay-at-home parent can feel envious of the working partner’s freedom, social interactions and career progression,” says Mairéad.
“Start by acknowledging your feelings without placing blame. For example, say: ‘I’ve been feeling a bit envious of your time at work. I think it’s important we talk about it.’”
Meanwhile, the working mum (who often also sorts birthday parties, school projects, errands and washing), may feel “jealousy and resentment, stemming from the perceived imbalance in freedom and responsibilities between her and her partner,” Mairéad says.
“Communicate openly with your partner about your needs for shared responsibilities, which could mean redistributing them more equally or setting aside dedicated time for you to do things that bring you fulfilment.
“This ‘me-time’ is so important.”
POOR COMMUNICATION
Couples who don’t communicate well might find they rarely have time to chat and, when they do, it’s hostile, rushed or they end up arguing.
Begin with simple, non-confrontational conversations and practise active listening. “Set aside time each day or week to catch up without distractions,” says Mairéad.
“This could be in the morning over a cup of coffee, on the phone at lunch or in the evening over dinner.” When arguments do arise, have a game plan.
“Agree on rules for how you’ll talk to each other, such as no shouting or name-calling,” says Tom.
“Remember the importance of body language – facial expressions, how you stand and where you sit all send messages. Notice if you’re crossing your arms, rolling your eyes or sighing, as these small actions can speak volumes.”
If things get heated, take a step back – research shows couples who take a five-second break during an argument could stop their row from escalating.*
OVERBEARING IN-LAWS
Maybe it’s not your partner but their parents who are ruining your relationship!
Do they offer unsolicited advice, demand more of your time than you want to offer or always take your partner’s side? It’s time to speak up.
“Share your concerns with your partner, before talking to your in-laws clearly and calmly,” says Tom.
“Listen and understand their perspective and focus on how you feel, without blaming others. Use ‘I’ and ‘we’ statements to help keep communication constructive.”
Clearly state your expectations around childcare and family involvement. “Maintain your boundaries, even if it means saying no,” adds Tom.
Asking your in-laws to take a step back can be daunting, but make sure you remain calm and respectful. “Express gratitude and acknowledge their help before stating your concerns.
“Explain why you need space by focusing on specific issues. Offer alternatives and other ways they can help,” says Tom.
It’s likely your in-laws won’t take the conversation too well, so be ready for every scenario and, above all, make sure you and your partner have a united approach.
DEALING WITH INFIDELITY
When one of you has been unfaithful, it can be hard to come back from, but it isn’t impossible. “Both partners need to talk openly about the infidelity and their expectations moving forward,” says Mairéad.
“The partner who was unfaithful must show commitment to change, transparency and accountability, while the other must work towards forgiveness, if they choose to continue the relationship.”
She advises taking each day at a time and expecting emotions to change. Though painful, don’t avoid the hard questions.
“It’s important to explore why it happened,” says Tom. “Was there a breakdown in communication or connection?
“Then, both partners need to express commitment. Is one leaning in while the other leans out? Are you both willing to work on rebuilding?”
Some relationships are not salvageable. “If the infidelity was a repeated behaviour, if there is a lack of remorse or commitment to change from the unfaithful person, or if you cannot envision a future without resentment or distrust, it could be the end of the road,” says Mairéad.