My husband is refusing to have an open marriage – so I’m forced to have bisexual affairs

DEAR DEIDRE: MY stuck-in-the-mud husband is refusing an open marriage – so I’m forced to have bisexual affairs.

I’ve always been attracted to both men and women. In fact, my first relationship was with a girl I met at college. We’d skip class to go back to her flat for an afternoon of slow, sensual sex.

When that relationship ended, I had a few flings with men and women, then I met my husband in a pub.

I’m 29, he’s 38. On our first date I told him I was bisexual. He was fine with it, which gave me the impression he was open-minded.

Our relationship moved quickly and we got married after a year.

I always thought our sex life would get kinkier and more exciting, but it hasn’t turned out that way. If anything, getting married has killed the spark.

Instead of coming to bed with me, he began staying up late, playing on his PlayStation.

Upstairs, alone and frustrated, I turned to casual-sex sites for company. I started secretly sexting other women and soon I was meeting them for dates.

I’ve now had several affairs with women — from one-night stands to longer flings — and every encounter has proved to me that I can’t keep denying my bisexuality.

I finally told my husband I wanted an open marriage. I thought he’d be keen.

After all, he’d have the freedom to enjoy other people, too. And some excitement outside the marriage might spark things up at home.

But he’s refusing to even think about the idea.

DEIDRE SAYS: Regardless of your sexual orientation, seeing other partners on the side is cheating.

I can see why you felt hurt by his lack of interest, but the person you should have talked to was him, not sexy strangers online.

Even though you were open about being bisexual, it seems your husband thought he was committing to a monogamous relationship.

And while an open marriage might satisfy your sexual needs, it won’t magically improve things with your husband.

I’m sending you my support pack Non Monogamy to read together.

You’ll see that for open marriages to work, both partners need to be secure in the relationship, excellent communicators and able to completely trust each other.

You’re not ticking all those boxes so far.

If you value your marriage, stop cheating and start talking to him. My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help.

You can’t force your husband to open up your marriage, and if he still refuses to consider it, your choices are: Work on your sexual relationship together, or call it a day.

WIFE HAS BANNED SEX FOR EVER

DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER 28 years of ever-decreasing sex, my wife has announced she has “done her duty” and that we won’t be making love any more.

I’m 63, she’s 57 and we have two grown-up children.

Our sex life has always been unfulfilling. I’ve only ever been allowed to make love to her once a month.

It always followed the same routine: She’d come out of the bathroom naked and lie on her back with her eyes shut. I’d get on top of her, and we’d have sex in silence.

Then she would put her pyjamas back on and we’d both go to sleep.
I foolishly hoped it would improve, but it only got worse.

The sessions dwindled to once every six weeks, then every three months, and now nothing.

We’ve had many happy years together, but if I ever went anywhere near her, or even wanted a kiss, she would make me feel like a sex pest.

I’d never be unfaithful to her, but I feel like she cheated me.

A few years ago she finally confessed that she loved me but she hated sex.

She hadn’t admitted this from the start because she’d been worried I wouldn’t marry her.

I still love her, but now I’m trapped in a sexless marriage with no hope of it ever getting better.

DEIDRE SAYS: There are many possible reasons why your wife dislikes sex.

She might be asexual and feel no sexual attraction at all. She might have suffered trauma or abuse in her past, even in her childhood. She may have had a very strict upbringing where sex was seen as “dirty”.

Or she may just not have discovered her own sexuality.

All these things can be explored and improved in sex therapy. The College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk, 020 8106 9635) can provide you with details of how to access sex therapy near you, or online.‬‬

I’m also sending you two support packs that will help.
Afraid To Have Sex? is written for women, and their partners, who have issues with their sexuality.

It includes exercises women can use to unlock their own desires. If you read this together, it might help you both to understand your wife’s reluctance.

And Reviving A Woman’s Sex Drive gives advice and explains non-threatening, gentle exercises you can do together.

FAMILY FORUM

DEAR DEIDRE: FOR years my in-laws have been trying to break up my marriage. Now the stress of it is making my husband ill.

We’re both in our 50s and we have a grown-up son.

The trouble started 18 years ago when we got engaged. Instead of being happy for us, his mother began spreading lies to convince everyone I was only after his money.

Eventually my husband cut off all contact with her. We didn’t speak to her for years.

When our son was born we called a truce so she could see her grandchild.

Years passed and we all seemed to be getting along quite happily. I thought the bad times were over. Now they’re back with a vengeance.

My father-in-law’s health has declined recently, so my mother-in-law has decided my husband should move back to their house – 150 miles away – and become their live-in carer.

They’ve even turned the garage into a bedroom for him. Naturally it only has a single bed.

He is refusing, but my mother-in-law is ramping up the pressure, even threatening to cut my husband out of their will unless he does what he’s told.

My husband works a demanding full-time job. This added stress is giving him dangerously high blood pressure and panic attacks.

DEIDRE SAYS: Family problems can be stressful, but you can support each other through this.

I suspect your mother-in-law has been holding a grudge for many years because your husband chose you over her.

It probably made her see you as a threat. In her mind, you’re not a daughter-in-law, you’re a rival.

Now she’s using emotional blackmail to try to get him back home where she feels he belongs. A lot of her behaviour is abusive.

Your husband was able to cut his parents off before and it might be that he has to do that again for the sake of his health.

I know it may not be easy for him to contemplate, but he’ll probably find his life is more peaceful as a result.

Have a look at Stand Alone (standalone.org.uk), a charity that supports those estranged from their families.