Mary & George Recap: Everyone in the 17th Century Is Gay

Well, it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that we’re moving forward one year per episode. “Oh look, they’re noting the year again!” I would say. So now, here we are in 1617, and some peasants have unearthed a burial site in a dark Scottish forest. This feels Macbethian (a play written during James I’s reign!). The gravediggers find something wrapped in iron and ask, “What sort of demented wee man are we working for here?” CUT TO JAMES.

James is all over the place this week. We’re all very concerned about him. He begins by biting George on the wrist like a damn animal. When George tends to it later, James kisses it and pronounces it “all better.” Not really, James! Do you know how much bacteria lives in the human mouth? No, you do not because, as we mentioned already, it’s 1617! My friend was bitten by her cat, and her hand blew up like a balloon. And according to an extremely cursory Google search, human bites are more dangerous than animal bites.

Everyone else watching this moved on from the bite moment in two seconds, but I remain concerned. What will you do without antibiotics, George? I guess since his historical cause of death is not “king bite,” we can continue. This week is all about James and George in Scotland, George learning some things about The World, and Mary at home as she tries to marry John to Sir Edward Coke and Lady Hatton’s daughter Frances. Mary doesn’t need to learn about The World because she is well familiar with how royally it has screwed her over.

This marriage between John and Frances is … complicated. Because the show is named Mary & George, we generally root for both Mary and George. But John is mentally ill, and dangerously so, and Mary just does not care because she wants him married well. Lady Hatton is an asshole, but she’s mainly trying to protect her daughter in a pretty amazing way for the seventeenth century. I have to keep reminding myself of the latter fact as I go, “GEEZ, can Lady Hatton just ease up on hiding her daughter away from this intensely unsuitable groom Frances definitely doesn’t want to marry?” It’s very mentally jarring. John is off walking into the estate’s lake and then almost drowning, time and time again, and Mary’s new husband has to keep rescuing him. This would be very emotionally (and physically) taxing! It’s understandable when Sir Thomas says he misses being bored and alone.

James basically says he hates Scotland but that he has to go back because of “duty.” I have to confess, that kind of line always sways me. It’s terrible, I know. Duty is what caused the charge of the light brigade, which is a memorable poem, but it was such a stupid way to lose lives. Yet here we are; this worked on me. James names Francis Bacon the Keeper of the Seal while he’s away, which is very fancy for Bacon, and George accompanies James, only to be seated far away from him at dinner. George sulks about this because, of course, he does. Who is there to cheer him up but Sir Peter Carr, Somerset’s cousin? I wish I could say that I, like George’s brother Kit, didn’t trust Peter, but I did! I did trust him! This is yet another reason I cannot be allowed at James I’s court.

Peter is all, “Oh, I hate Somerset, booooo, he’s the worst.” This is a clever deception. In the meantime, he worms his way into our hearts by being cute and having great sex with George. Everyone in the seventeenth century is gay! This is like that musical Zanna, Don’t, where everyone is gay and you have to come out as straight. Imagine George hitting on a man and that man not being into it. Seems impossible. I guess that could also be because Nicholas Galitzine is a very pretty man.

Anyway, so Kit doesn’t trust how nice Peter is, and great job on that, Kit. George and I continue to be like, “Sometimes people are nice, Kit.” Well, no, they aren’t. Not when you live in a world of INTRIGUE. Before Peter reveals his malicious intentions, he’s just part of the king’s retinue. James is keeping George at arm’s length, which makes George get even closer with Peter. George finally asks James what is up, because he’s been a real Debbie Downer since they came to Scotland, and George thinks everyone there is super nice. James points out that the Scottish murdered his father before James was born and “gave my mother to the English to be caged and beheaded.” Hm. Yes. Good point. James tells George that he had a true love once, and no one is ever going to measure up. Could this man be linked to the weird burial at the beginning? (Yes.)

Meanwhile, Mary enlists Sandie to find Frances because Lady Hatton has squirreled her away. Again, good for Lady Hatton. Sandie finds her and, while wearing a fun hat, storms the house with a group of armed men and finds Frances hiding in the attic. Frances looks so much like Anne Hathaway. It’s all I can think of whenever I see her. She’s shoved into a carriage with Mary and Sandie, who are canoodling in the corner. Lesbians, am I right? No chill. Not unless we’re faced with a dire situation, which these two are about to be, at which point, canoodling ceases and chill commences. Francis Bacon and a line of behorsed men stop the carriage. Francis tells Mary that this isn’t a great situation for anyone, and he proposes the whole thing to King Solomon. This results in a house-sharing/joint custody situation with Mary, Frances, and Lady Hatton, which I LOVE and wish we got more of.

Sandie tells Mary that she went to Mary’s home and it was hell. John had just sliced Jenny, the serving girl, across the face because he had been locked in his room after continuing to walk into the lake. Mary tries to convince Sandie that everything will be okay and she’ll take care of it. She also says that the wedding is still on? MARY.

Back in Scotland, James loses his shit by a river and starts running around saying that the men with him are going to assassinate him. Peter pulls him out of the river, giving us even more reason to trust him. No worries here! Kit calls James “the Mad River King,” and I would read a book with that title, one hundred percent.

Okay, now we get to Peter’s devious treachery. He takes George to Ruthven Castle (now Huntingtower Castle), seemingly to bang. While there, he tells George about James’s “great love,” the Duke of Lennox, and how the Scottish nobles kidnapped James and kept him at Ruthven in order to get rid of Lennox. Nobles really hate a favorite. During this storytelling, Peter is seemingly getting ready to sex George, sitting on top of him. Then he starts choking him, and for a second, you’re like, oh, so they are going to bang, but it is soon very clear that, no, Peter is just trying to murder George for what he did to Somerset. He calls George an English slut! How will George get out of this one?

But then Kit appears and shoots Peter in the head. George survives! Kit is made an earl! James apologizes to George for shutting him out, and he tells George about his past with Lennox. When Lennox died in France, he sent his embalmed heart to James, which is what the gravediggers dug up earlier. James said he came to Scotland because of duty, and that duty was to bring Lennox home and rebury him there. James and George have a kind moment together that I appreciate because everyone is always being so crafty on this show that it’s nice to have a momentary pause for genuine emotion.

James and his entourage find a beautiful field and he calls his men to start digging. George wants to do it, and when James asks why, George says, “Duty.” CUTE. George and James dig together. This probably should not, in fact, be cute, but it is. As they journey back towards London, the royal party makes camp, and who should show up but Francis Bacon. He wanted to tell his side of the Frances/John story before Mary. Unfortunately for him, Mary is already in the king’s tent and has been talking to him for hours. Take that, Bacon, you’ve just been Villiersed!

As a result of all this, John and Frances get married. Surely this cannot end well. When George asks if he can choose his own wife, Mary says no, but that she looks after him well, and she will look after all her children. What does that mean, Mary?! What are your plans? No, wait, don’t tell us. I’m looking forward to being surprised and horrified.