Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: Family Feud

Ellie and Bri get cutthroat and it’s making for bad vibes within the crew.

If there is one thing that I know for sure, it is that there will be another Trolls movie despite Justin Timberlake’s arrest for a DUI. But if I know one other thing for sure, it is that Gael needs to dump that sad boyfriend of hers. He’s texting her about how he doesn’t feel like she’s giving him enough time now that she’s on charter and he’s, I don’t know, in Fort Lauderdale spending most of his days using the free WiFi at a Buffalo Wild Wings. Who knows what he’s doing? He keeps saying she’s not making enough time for him, and she doesn’t try to make more time for him. She just says, “Sorry you feel that way.”

Meanwhile, she’s still flirting up a storm with Nathan, a man with a severe condition called Noassatall. Sadly, there is no medication for this condition, though nine out of 10 gay doctors would recommend living in a sixth-floor walk-up if he ever wants to see this condition improved. But, yes, we saw him in a pair of soaking-wet boxer briefs, and there wasn’t any butt. None. Iain, in his South African flag Speedo, however, does not disappoint. It’s a small one, but it is an ass. Damn, Iain is fine. He is corny and terrible at his job, but anyone manly enough to wear a tiny bathing suit on television is my kinda guy.

Gael and Nathan keep flirting the whole charter, and Gael sends her boyfriend sad texts, but the only one she should be sending him is, “This isn’t going to work out; I need to suck face with an Irish man with questionable tattoos now. Ta!”

Speaking of hookups, everyone comes back from the bar, and on the car ride home, Ellie tells Aesha and Bri that Joe, our Scouse mouse, gave her fanny flutters. When everyone else changes to go in the hot tub, Ellie says that she’s not going to just give it up for Joe; he’s going to have to work for it. Um, no. That is not what Joe is after. Joe is not going to wine and dine her before he 69-es her. I have a feeling he’d rather buy her a drink and then ask for non-reciprocated oral, that seems more Joe’s speed. Even Aesha is like, “That strategy is not going to work.”

Why? Because she also works with Bri, who is not nearly as precious and is grinding on Joe in the hot tub the second they’re left alone. She takes her top off, and they have a Jacuzzi makeout while she grinds on his lap. As far as this show goes, it’s pretty chaste, but why should Joe work for Ellie when Bri is throwing herself him? In other words, why milk the cow when you have a free milk dispenser right there in your hot tub? In the morning, as soon as Bri wakes up, she tells her roommate Ellie that she has hooked up with Joe. Ellie asks if they slept together. Bri says, “I’m not going to say anymore.” That is dastardly. Bri knows she didn’t bone the dude, but if she just keeps it vague, Ellie can assume that they did and maybe step off the guy they’re both after. These two are both playing cutthroat.

This whole thing set Ellie and Bri on a collision course for being absolutely terrible to each other. After the hook-up, Bri asks Ellie if they’re okay, and Ellie says, “Not 100 percent.” She explains that she carefully trained Bri (which is a job she gets paid for) and that Bri knew she was interested in Joe, so she shouldn’t have broken girl code by making out with him. Sorry to Ellie, but if you take your eye off that ball, you deserve to lose it. If she were in that hot tub grafting with Joe instead of getting her beauty sleep and waiting for him to buy her dinner, then she might have bagged it too. Not to say that Ellie shouldn’t wait for Joe to do some work and take her out. If that’s what she requires, then she should get it, but she also has to realize that in this situation, it’s first come, first serve. Well, maybe it’s first serve, first come, but as long as someone is coming and someone is serving, then everyone is going to be happy … except Ellie.

Things really go South when Aesha, an angel sent down from heaven, has to go to a Greek hospital to get some glass taken out of her thumb. She’s such a weirdo (complimentary) that she is excited to get stitches and talked them into giving her the glass they took out of her thumb so she could show it to everyone. Oh, creepy little Aesha. Never change.

But when she’s off the boat, second stew Ellie is technically in charge. As they’re offloading provisions, the deck crew asks Bri where they should put something, and she tells them because she knows where things in the interior go and they don’t. Ellie then says that Bri is “overriding” her even though she is senior. Okay, yes, that is technically true, but she’s marginally senior, and they’re all on the same team. If Bri knows where it goes, just let her tell you. When Ellie speaks up, then Bri doesn’t want to tell them anymore, and Ellie walks off, creating a cluster fuck because she’s a little hurt that she didn’t get Joe to make out with her first.

Ellie then tells Bri that her job is to support Ellie. Okay, that’s not necessarily true, but go off queen. But when Ellie tries to tell her what to do, Bri goes over Ellie’s head and tells her she will take her orders directly from Aesha, who left instructions before she went to the hospital. Oh, the petty is strong with both of these two.

Bri is having a little freak-out about all of this and says she’s going to be “passive-aggressively spicy.” Captain Sandy overhears this remark and asks what it means. Bri tells her that she will stay mad but still do the right thing, which is to be a professional. Good on Bri. She also says she needs to talk to Aesha about it, and Sandy respects that she wants to keep it with her manager. This is the first time we’ve ever seen Captain Sandy not leap at a chance to micromanage her crew.

Aesha can’t really address it, though, because she has a boat full of new guests, including Brittany Brower, the fourth-place finisher on the fourth “cycle” of America’s Next Top Model, the only reality show to be shut down by OSHA 57 times. Also with her is Trishelle Canatella, the current reigning champion of The Traitors. These two aren’t the biggest of reality stars (call me when Snooki is on board), but they tell the staff specifically not to fan girl out on them. Really, Brittany? I watched Tyra torture every single girl who came on that show, and I still don’t remember you.

They want the crew to do a fashion show for them, and this is where I draw the line. Theme nights and beach picnics are cringey enough, but I hate when they treat the staff like trained monkeys. Do not make these kids put on a talent show. Do not force them into costumes. Do not make them go on a scavenger hunt or compete in silly games. Their job is hard enough, let them do just that. But no. Now everyone has to get into a shitty wig and a bad costume and parade around the salon for the guests’ amusement. I liked it because Iain and Joe took their tops off and strutted around, but I hated that Ellie was 20 minutes late so she could get into her costume. By then, everyone was over whatever this silly game was to start with.

But things between her and Bri need to resolve themselves. It’s only been two nights, and Joe and Nathan are already sick of Bri crashing on their floor. When Bri tries to apologize to Ellie, she says she is grateful for her training but feels like Ellie belittles her. Well, yeah, of course she does. Ellie keeps unnecessarily putting her in her place when it’s really Aesha’s job to do that rather than hers. Ellie loses her mind over the word “belittling,” and the whole apology gets derailed. Maybe Ellie should talk to Gael’s sad boyfriend back at home, because it looks like neither of them are getting any respect.