The Bachelorette Recap: Let Me Tick, Bro
Some of the men unionize, others cross the picket line (pulling Jen aside to chat).
I know, I know. I am just as disappointed as y’all are that it is me, Olivia, instead of the beloved and inimitable Ali. Sure, I haven’t written a recap since before Jen Shah went to prison, but I shall do my best to provide an experience as good or better than a substitute teacher throwing on October Sky for the tenth time this semester.
This episode begins with a swift departure from the new mansion because the Claim to Fame production crew is waiting outside to begin their workday. Also, spending as little time around the ghosts of Scheana Marie and Mike Shay’s cursed marriage is probably a solid idea. Everyone has stayed up for 24-plus hours filming the premiere. That means the obvious next step is to hop on a 16-hour flight to Melbourne and shoot those circadian rhythms to outer space. In the words of Jen, “We like to torture ourselves. Cool, cool, cool.”
Once in Australia, we kick things off with a group date. Eight of the bros head to Queen Victoria Market to “shop, eat, drink, and have some fun.” This must be the adventure that all these people are perpetually clamoring for, but I’m pretty sure you can do all of those things at your local Target? To the frustration of the boys, Devin charges ahead of the group and sweeps Jen literally off her feet. Class, this is what we call foreshadowing.
Since no less than 39 percent of Jen’s personal brand is “shots,” they all slurp back whiskey with kangaroo testicles at the bottom. They sample a ton of foods, almost all of which are dairy-centric. Sam N. sits back crying at each stop of the food tour because he’s “falling behind in a race that hasn’t even started yet.” The race in question is processing lactose. I guess? Speaking of dairy, Devin absconds with Jen down an alley where he rips open the sneeze guard of a gelato stand and goes to town. Jen loves that he created his own little moment, and I regret to inform you that bootleg Pete Davidson is strong-arming his way to becoming the No. 1 guy in this group.
The dudes run into a comedian in an exceptional red suit who gives them ten minutes to write some jokes because Jen wants a partner who is a best friend who is also going to laugh with her. Is this what “ferocious love” means? I remain unconvinced this phrase isn’t subliminal marketing for a Colleen Hoover novel. Anyway, these bros are embarrassingly unfunny and Grant is the only one who knows what a punch line is.
Jen wants the cocktail party to be more about common interests, like how she and Jonathon both had a glow-up. Yeah, sure, okay. Jen gets all hot and bothered because Grant says he’s a man whose mission is to have a family. He tries to get her to agree to take his last name and she hasn’t built up that SEO for nothing, so he’s going to have to take hers instead. They make out, he gets the group-date rose, and Jen makes it another day without having to change her IG handle.
Meanwhile, on The Real Mansion Men, the producers tell Aaron and his Wilma Flintstone choker to confront Devin. The qualms are pulling Jen, wasting Jen’s time, not being good for Jen, being a boy, etc. Devin retorts with quippy, impossible-to-refute barbs like “That’s your lens” and “I’m not placing judgment on you.” I need to know how many hours of Bravo programming this man has watched with his mom.
Aaron and Devin spend the rest of the evening going back and forth like they’re in Challengers but with, unfortunately, much less homoerotic subtext and a much worse score. Jen says she doesn’t like that the boys are fighting but makes out with Devin nonetheless. I love this for her. And if she starts calling these bozos out for their bullshit, we are well on our way to having a very fun, very horny Hannah Brown/Katie Thurston–esque season. Please pray to the deity of your choosing that these men realize the gift they’ve been dealt and Jen keeps on keeping on.
Next up, Marcus gets a one-on-one date. They go skydiving, which Jen says is something she’s always wanted to do and that she won’t be held back by her fears any longer. Marcus has jumped out of shitloads of planes as an Army ranger, so this date is the equivalent of the rest of us logging into Slack or whatever. They do the jump, Jen overcomes her fear, and upon landing, she goes in for a kiss with such a quickness that Marcus gets visibly startled. Jen is absolutely blasted with adrenaline and thrilled that Marcus “showed up” for her. This is like me “showing up” for someone by writing an email. Again, the bar, it is on the ground.
After taking off their flight suits, Marcus and Jen head to a library date, where Marcus is clearly told he must reveal some flavor of vulnerability. In this case, that means we somehow end up in an episode of Virgin River, except sans Afghanistan combat reenactments. It works for Jen. She gives Marcus a rose and another chance to kiss her, which he fails, forcing her to continue carrying this show on her back. This man seems nice but will not make it to the end because I am increasingly certain that Jen’s type is “lightly to aggressively mischievous.”
Everyone else who didn’t already go on a date heads to the outback to prove that they are an animal lover because “animal lovers are a different kind of people.” I’m willing to bet that before coming on this show, nearly every one of these men had a hinge bio that read: “I go crazy for sleeping in on Sundays, tacos, and my dog.” Nothing about this exercise is going to help me differentiate the herd. We do, however, learn that Jen fosters kittens. I love Jen and her shiny hair/soul more with each subsequent minute.
The bros don leather vests and Nigel Barker takes photos of them posing with Jen and various animal models. I want to make fun of Hakeem for damn near pissing his Crocodile Dundee costume, but when God or whoever made the animals in Australia, he went a little nuts with the seasoning. Spiders have no reason to be looking like if the Grim Reaper were also a Transformer.
They bring out a giant snake and Dylan volunteers to wear it like a jaunty scarf, thus securing him more time with Jen. He tells her that for decades, his dad has been playing the same song every time his mom gets in the car. Sounds like a horror movie to me, but Jen gives him a rose for showing up for her. (She reserves the right to revoke it upon receipt of his pending MCAT scores.)
In case it was not apparent, the theme of this episode is “showing up.” All you have to do to get a rose is “show up,” which is confusing because what else could these bozos possibly do when their time is devoted to pining over a beautiful woman without any external stimuli?
The answer, of course, is a unionization attempt. The Safari Boys (minus Dylan) come back and inform the rest of the crew that all who did not wear leather that day must cede their time at tomorrow’s cocktail party. Because fairness and brotherhood. Or something.
(To be abundantly clear, this is a pro-union household! Especially when it’s a fight for, say, production transparency, fair compensation, adequate mental-health care, and protection from retaliation. But these bros are basically demanding a return to the heteronormative power balance they’re used to through the control of time with a woman on a show where the entire premise is “fight for time in a charisma death match.” Sorry, boys! You’re on your own.)
In the interim, Aaron and Devin are still fighting. Aaron calls Devin the wrong name and then gives him a book that “helped him grow as a person.” These men either (1) have not read a book since middle school or (2) have only read The Alchemist. So sorry, not buying it, buddy.
At the cocktail party, the Safari Boys union loses their shit when — surprise, surprise — Devin and his Niagara Falls sweatin’ forehead pull Jen first. Safari Boy Thomas N. goes to yell at Devin in a hallway, leaving Jen to sit alone in her sequins and fur. When he does join her, he reads from his Devin Burn Book instead of chit-chatting about his love of family and adventure or whatever. Jen astutely calls Thomas out for taking away her independence and leaving her to languish so he could try to defend himself against Devin’s accusations of “objectifying Jen.”
Devin knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s a Bethenny Frankel sun, Nick Viall moon, and DJ James Kennedy rising. The whole thing is very much like watching reality-TV vet Joey Essex join the cast of Love Island — he is working for that measly little check. If Devin were even slightly less chaotic, he’s the kind of person you’d accuse of being a producer plant. Even if he doesn’t make it far with Jen, I bet big money we will be seeing Devin clinging to the reality-TV machine until his dying breath.
Alas, Jen is still horny (hell yeah, brother). So, while Devin and Thomas N. go outside to debate the finer points of the Safari Boys’ collective bargaining agreement, Jen makes out with Sam M., Jonathon, and Spencer. The common thread for the smoochers is being hot and doing even six seconds of cheeky banter. Take note, boys!
Then, it’s time for the rose ceremony. It’s the end of the journey for Brian, Marvin, and Jahaan. The Real Mansion Men live to see another week.
Next time, the boys are gonna grease up to do their best Magic Mike impressions, and Ali returns, so y’all are in for a real treat. Thanks for having me!