Hire Matt Berry As a 2028 Los Angeles Olympics Commentator

These are hard times, and when things get really dark, we at Vulture like to double down on the things that are still capable of bringing us happiness. That’s why we’re running this recurring column, which serves as half-celebration and half-brainstorm for someone we’re consistently delighted to see on our screens: the beloved British performer of stage and screen Matt Berry. He’s best known for shows like Toast of London, The IT Crowd, and What We Do in the Shadows, but we’re confident that a performance by Berry would spruce up all sorts of film and TV stories, big and small. 

So on occasion, we’ll be using this space to propose new, occasionally out-of-the-box opportunities or roles for Mr. Berry. We are confident that should he ever see this column, he will find it both confusing and mortifying.

For many of us, this was the Olympics that made the case for there being an Olympics. In our fourth year of the pandemic, amid several presidential crises and coming off Twisters in 4DX, what we needed more than ever were hours of obscure sports playing on every TV in the world, beamed to us live from the magical city of Paris (the place from the Taylor Swift song). One of the things that made this year’s Olympics such a particular treat were the celebrities like Snoop Dogg, Flava Flav, and Leslie Jones, who were woven into NBC’s coverage to cheer on the athletes and provide commentary, giving the overall Games the feel of a fun Hollywood party. Aside from Colin Jost traveling to Tahiti to cover surfing until multiple parts of his body became infected and he left, the inclusion of the celebrities was otherwise a success, and once the Games conclude this weekend, the United States of America — specifically Los Angeles — will inherit the responsibility of hosting a fun Summer Olympics everyone in the world can use to dissociate from whatever horrors lie ahead. This is why NBC needs to make an offer to Emmy nominee Matt Berry right now to lock him in as a special correspondent for the 2028 Los Angeles Summer Olympics.

Finding celebrities won’t be a challenge for an Olympics happening in L.A., but just having famous people around is not enough. You need the right kind of famous people, and L.A. is a town easily prone to overbooking the wrong kind of famous people. Logan Paul and Tom Sandoval are both famous, for example, but I wouldn’t be excited to see them at the Olympics. Similarly, L.A.’s inherent bias toward shiny, happy people risks the overrepresentation of people like Paris Hilton and Mario Lopez. No, you need people who are universally beloved but also interesting to see because they have a mysterious, slightly dark presence. A good Olympics celeb mix includes choices that make viewers say, “What?! Why?!”, and Berry is that. He’s a cult icon who’ll take off one shoe to play a scary guitar solo and, for a celebrity, is rarely seen. He’s like a shiny Pokémon or any cat: You won’t find him anywhere, but when you do catch a glimpse, boy, are you gonna gasp with delight and try to get him to do stuff. Despite his rare public appearances, he’s no stranger to big events like this, either. He lent his voice to the London Olympics Closing Ceremony in 2012, so he has experience.

Berry recently gave an interview to The Hollywood Reporter in which he admitted something stellar. “Most of the names I pronounce [incorrectly] aren’t on purpose — it’s because I don’t know what they are,” he said. “Especially sports, all these ball games … baseball, softball. I haven’t got a clue what any of that is!” Berry’s revelation that he is unfamiliar with balls is the secret sauce to what would make him an excellent person to have floating from sport to sport, interacting with the broadcasters whenever they need someone to talk to who isn’t a nerd. Let’s face it: I don’t know the rules of fencing, and I probably never will. You expect me to relearn what handball is every four years for the rest of my life? Not happening. Berry’s athletic ignorance makes him the perfect audience surrogate. He will need to have things explained to him over and over again, offering a booming “Good God!” when he sees what the kayak cross is, gasping at artistic swimming, and I don’t know how he’d react to speed climbing, but I bet it’s worth his fee. He could also do remotes like Jost, and he wouldn’t even need the foot infection to seem uncomfortable. Just imagine if NBC took the initiative to reunite him with any of his local-to-L.A. Shadows co-stars like Harvey Guillén, Mark Proksch, or Kristen Schaal, like when Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg ate a fancy French meal together. People would freak out! And, of course, we could easily make him the Flava Flav of women’s volleyball.

Now, you might be confused about why I’m advocating for a British man who lives in the U.K. to play a part in the Olympics of America. Did we not throw off the yoke of colonialism (and start our own colonialism) to stop the English from exploiting us? Should yet another hardworking American actor lose a gig to a Brit? Yes. L.A. is synonymous with the American entertainment industry, something that is sure to be a theme of these ceremonies. This is the Hollywood Olympics, and if there’s one thing Hollywood loves, it’s casting British people as Americans for no reason. Berry’s presence among the other commentators would pay homage to this facet of our culture. He would be the hilariously sunburned, comparatively morose, completely confused Englishman just trying to keep up, a foil for the bubbly bronzed California commentators he’ll be surrounded by. It would just be so deliciously weird.

Finally, Berry should be included in the L.A. Olympics because he is a symbol of cooperation between six different countries: the U.K., where he is from (which is three countries: England, Scotland, and Wales); Canada, where he filmed What We Do in the Shadows; the United States, where that show is a hit; and Estonia, a country he recently enjoyed visiting on vacation. This man is a global force who can bring an international perspective to the coverage of these Games, while also capturing the perspective of an everyman standing in awe at what our world can accomplish when we’re not killing each other.

Now, would Berry want this job? Of course not. Would he take this job? I think so! It’s a free trip to sunny Los Angeles, where he’d receive VIP treatment and maybe even meet the cast of Selling Sunset (a show that he enjoys). It’s also a guaranteed paycheck that’s four years away, and lots of people agree to stuff because it’s far enough away that it doesn’t feel real yet, and once reality sinks in, it’s too late to say no. If it sounds like I’m suggesting NBC set a trap for Matt Berry, you’re not wrong, but it’s a nice trap. Once inside, his friends Bill Hader and Jon Hamm would be there, and he would have fun. It’s not a scary trap, like a Lady Raven concert.