The Valley Recap: Pantry Police

Of all the dark things we’ve seen on The Valley, a show about a neighborhood that Nostradamus said would bring about the end of the world or at least an end to decency, the scariest has to be Jesse’s “life coach” Scott. The bald head, the scraggily beard, the dangly necklace that may or may not be a Harley-Davidson logo — it’s giving Corey Stoll playing a podcast host in a Hulu limited series about the evils of the manosphere, it’s giving shilajit gummies that are supposed to boost your testosterone but actually grow butt-crack hair, it’s giving an AI rendering of every episode of The Joe Rogan Experience distilled into a person.

When they start talking, his advice to Jesse isn’t terrible: He says he needs to give his attention to the things in his life that are going to be great and bring him joy, not the things that are toxic. However, the thing that he’s saying is toxic is Michelle. I know she’s no saint, but on a scale of toxicity, Michelle is three kernels of microplastic and Jesse is ten tons of the “black mayonnaise” that they dredge up from the bottom of Gowanus Canal. When addressing what happened on the Santa Barbara weekend, Scott says that when Jesse talks to Michelle he goes into “devil mode” — calling her names and saying indecent things — which then makes everyone forget about Michelle’s “two years of cheating.” Scott says, “It’s kind of a brilliant play,” insinuating that Michelle is egging on Jesse to be a dick to her so people will forget the bad things he does.

Okay, just hold on one second, budget Andrew Tate. First of all, Michelle says she only admitted to “kissing someone,” which in the grand scheme of things isn’t that great, but it’s far different from “two years of cheating,” which insinuates that she was either banging every Hollywood director who checked into the Chateau Marmont for two years or that she was having some kind of prolonged affair. We haven’t heard anything about that, but we have seen Jesse call her a “hooker,” disparage her in innumerable ways, and threaten to move her daughter to Orange County so he can be closer to a girlfriend who is already cheating on him. I’m sorry, but Scott needs to watch this show and learn the kind of person his client is.

While Jesse is talking to Scott, who is Michelle talking to? Returning champion Scheana Shay. Call me Lady Gaga, because I missed Shee-Shu. I did. I really did. When she shows up for a hike wearing a pair of shades that have the Guinness World Record for Most Sunglasses, I let out a little squeal. All she does is nod along to Michelle talking about how terrible Jesse is (it’s easy to do) and show regret that Michelle’s new man, Aaron, might dump her so that he doesn’t have to deal with Jesse. She is perfect in this moment. She says little, she protests not at all, she lets out one perfect little Scheana giggle and my heart was buoyed for the rest of the evening. I’m so glad to have her back.

Strangely, this episode didn’t center on the crumbling relationships of Jesse and Michelle or Jax and Brittany. Instead, we dig deep on Danny, his drinking, and whether Nia denied it. The episode picks up right where the last one left off, with most of the women yelling at Nia because she said that Danny was “asleep” rather than saying he was wasted. What I hate most about this is that it’s clearly a fight about the show. Brittany is upset that her life is out there on display and everyone is talking about her terrible marriage and she’s mad that Nia maybe didn’t want to say that her husband was drunker than Charlie Sheen on a Carnival Cruise. The real fight I wanted to see? Luke, a hacky sack knitted out of Dave Matthews lyrics, trying to eat everyone’s ice-cream dessert that’s melting on the table while they scream at each other in some pantry.

My Lukey has a pretty good episode. Yes, he’s “My Lukey” now because I think I kind of love him even though I also really enjoy making fun of him. Not only did we get to see him, Kristen, and Jasmine jump into his giant pool while the editors play an adorable ’70s-style graphic over it, we also got to see Luke in his swim trunks, and … wow. Kristen gets to rest her head on that stomach while she watches TV? That flat, hard, sculpted, slightly hairy, gorgeous, alabaster … Sorry. I’d better stop. We also get to see him ring shopping with Danny at Kyle Chan Designs, the one-stop shop for all of your Scandoval-related jewelry needs. Wait, we were talking about something else, right? Not My Lukey. Oh yes, the Nia thing.

Clearly the next day everyone regrets what they had to say to Nia, because they throw a nice dinner with a super hot chef just to apologize. Nia tells the group what hurt her wasn’t what they were saying, but that they waited until she left the room to say it. She wishes they had just brought it to her so she could have agreed that Danny was drunk. She then opens up about why she is always optimistic and likes to present the positive, and, girl, it is not the reason you were thinking. Nia says that she and her mother were often unhoused when she was younger and that even in adulthood there were times that she had to sleep in her car in the parking lot of her job because she couldn’t pay rent. Even then she would say to herself, “Thank you God that at least I have a car.” No, I’m not crying, you’re crying.

I think we all assume that Nia being so relentlessly positive means that she’s stupid or ignoring something bad that is happening with Danny. But while she may speak softly, she is not letting that man get away with anything, I can tell you that. She says that after what happened between Danny and Jasmine at Halloween they had counseling both alone and together about it. Even when Janet brings up him drinking tequila alone in the pantry and hiding it, Nia confirms Danny had already told her that he had some tequila; that was not news to her.

Nia did not like when Janet compared Danny to an ex of hers who had addiction issues, even though Janet was offering her support. I see where Nia is coming from. Danny was with a bunch of drunk people and he got drunk too. So what? Isn’t that the whole point of the trip? Isn’t that the whole point of the show? Jesse was so drunk he called his wife a “hooker” in front of all of their friends and television cameras. Danny was just so drunk that he passed out before dinner. Who among us hasn’t done that? It seems like Danny doesn’t have a drinking problem as much as he’s a bad drunk. That’s where Nia is coming from.

I could agree with all that, but — and this is a but so big that the Kardashians are asking for its surgeon — there is the Jasmine of it all. If Danny worked at a normal job and he got drunk at an event with his co-workers and grabbed one of them inappropriately and said, “Get daddy a drink,” he would be fired. Period. And if someone’s drinking is getting in the way of their relationship and holding down a job, I would say that they have a drinking problem. Danny seems to meet both of those criteria. So, yes, I have some sympathy for Nia, but I am also seeing the points that everyone else is making.

I’m especially feeling some sympathy for Jasmine and what she says about how this isn’t being taken as seriously because she is in a relationship with another woman. As she points out, if Danny had acted that way to one of the women in the group who was married to a man, that man would have punched his lights out. If he did that to Kristen, my Lukey would have gone to the junkyard and found the chassis of an old monster truck. He would have gone to the AutoZone and fully rebuilt the entire engine, exhaust system, and all the other bullshit under the hood, he would have gassed it up himself at the nearest Chevron station, and then he would have driven his homemade Big Foot right over Danny’s face. That’s why Danny felt more comfortable behaving that way toward Jasmine and Melissa than he would have any of the other straight girls in the group.

Nia left the dinner thinking that things with all the girls were repaired, that in the future they would come to her with their problems, that they would air their grievances publicly. They even pinky swore on it. She came home to her messy apartment and her messy husband and had to lie in bed to tell him not to laugh this all off, not his nervous laugh, not his sincere laugh, no laugh at all. She sat on her duvet, slowly sinking into the mattress and had to remember all of her blessings: this man, imperfect as he is, who gave her three kids, the waning days of her postpartum depression, the “Mr.” and “Mrs.” pillows that Danny’s mom bought at HomeGoods that she absolutely hates, this duvet, these sheets, this bed that is not the backseat of a car, this roof over her head, this stability that she has clawed for. And she wiped away those tears because she does have all of those things, and even if she ends up back in the Ralph’s parking lot, she’s grateful to finally have, to just have.