The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives Season-Finale Recap: She Needs Jesus
We have done it! We collectively survived another 10 episodes of MomTok mess. A finale is always a bit of a tricky beast, as you’re yearning for closure, but not too much closure. Everything must feel both surprising and wildly inevitable. The last scene should be gasp-worthy, but not to an extent where it feels manipulative. Spoiler: the latter is exactly what happens here. So let’s get into it.
Layla heads over to Park City to give Taylor some beignet mix and news of Demi’s ultimatum. They rehash how wild it was that Demi brought up the kinds of things that could jeopardize Taylor’s access to her children. Layla awkwardly explains to Taylor that she is not invited to Demi’s Christmas party and Demi definitely just dropped her invite in the wrong group chat. Liann shows up and is all like, “Teehee, what if I crashed the party for you?!” The whole situation is like if Regina George’s mom in Mean Girls was also Chekhov’s gun.
Right away, we’re hit with Demi’s Christmas party. I want to take a second and share an important change of opinion: I have decided that I was wrong to clown on Whitney’s outfits. Whitney has poreless skin and looks like a mix of Alison Roman and Christina Hendricks. Her dedication to nonetheless dressing herself like King Henry VIII must be performance art and at this point, I deeply respect it. And, unlike many other associates of MomTok, at least no one can accuse her of athleisure blandness.
At the Christmas party, all the gals (minus Taylor) are frolicking around in their best black-tie-optional, cheersing to another year of surviving MomTok, and eating meatballs. Liann shows up in the kind of outfit you’d wear to a Utah bookstore for an Elin Hilderbrand signing. If you’re going to crash a party and fight your daughter’s battles, at least go full glam. Demi pulls Liann aside and the two of them go to town. They argue about the CMAs saga, some mess about Dakota, and on and on about who is a bad friend. Eventually, Liann starts crying and Demi yells that Taylor needs to get therapy and be a fucking mom. The fight is embarrassing for all involved, and watching it feels like that one time Azealia Banks was feuding with Matty Healy. I have never been more Team No One.
Santa interrupts the fighting because it’s time to go outside and make content with the snow machine production paid for. Almost everyone in attendance except for Whitney and Bret think Demi and Liann going at it was inappropriate. It’s a reminder of how strong the “respect your elders” message is under the banner of heaven. Miranda heads out for the night (I’m bummed we didn’t get more of her this season! I ended up being very into her energy). This means Demi is now free to look at calendars for another MomTok board meeting.
On a more earnest note, Mayci and her family go to visit Arik’s parents. Arik was Mayci’s college boyfriend who died in a car accident while she was pregnant with their son, Hudson. Mayci talks about how important it is for Hudson to know about his dad, and how she hasn’t really dealt with her grief from his passing. Since she’s got that book to write, she’s decided that it’s time to feel all those feelings and hopefully inspire MomTok with this literary project. I am deeply skeptical in Macyi’s belief that the founding members of MomTok and/or adjacent parties would be jazzed to read any book, much less her book. But as a big fan of literacy, I’m really hoping she understands her audience better than I do.
Taylor and Dakota vicious cycle update! Dakota visits Liann on his way home from the tanning salon and/or spray tan booth. She confirms he’s been praying. I can’t believe they’re still giving us LIANN and DAKOTA chyrons, especially in-scene. I know who these people are, whether I want to or not. Seems like it’d be more beneficial to give Demi and Jessi this treatment instead, especially in those moments when they’re standing close enough to be in danger of merging into a single sentient hair extension.
Speaking of extensions, Jessi pulls bundles of blonde hair from the walls of JZ Styles for Mayci to take home to her mom. Jessi tells Mayci her thyroid biopsy was benign, but the experience put a lot of things into perspective, like how life is too short to be yelling at each other all the time. She’s had enough of Demi and now understands why Mayci rides the fence (peace, and also book deals). The two of them have an insightful conversation about how friendships can affect you more than relationships, especially since the societal scripts and expectations around romance are often more clear. It’s all very astute and will make for a great inclusion in the newest MomTok brand guidelines update.
Which is convenient, because it’s time for the latest MomTok board meeting at Jessi’s house. There are three topics on the agenda. First up is Miranda’s official induction into MomTok. She’s not there to make her case, but it seems like she floated through the season gracefully enough that she’s given an extension on her honorary probation period. Second on the agenda is Whitney’s reinstatement. Taylor is pissed that Whitney has joined team Demi when Taylor was the only one originally supporting Whitney’s bid for re-entry. Mikayla is still standing by her Whitney hatred, which I’ve come to appreciate if only because unlike any other current feuds, she holds that hatred deep and clear and doesn’t seem interested in using it for ultimatum fuel. It’s sort of like how I really like puzzles, but I couldn’t care less if my friends are into them and I wouldn’t dare to try to change their opinions. Anyway, majority rules and Whitney is reinstated.
Agenda item three is Demi’s ultimatum mess. Predictably, Taylor and Demi yell at each other. It’s all their favorite topics: being a good friend, kicking people while they’re down, the Jessi hair drama, the Dakota drama, etc. In a confessional, Jessi makes a really great point about how Demi talks like a therapist and it can make you feel like you’re in the wrong and that Demi’s sorry when neither of those things are true. It all ends with Demi declaring that she’s going to take some time to decide if she wants to continue in MomTok. Layla wishes they could all just have normal friendships without a weird code of loyalty. It is interesting how loyalty plays out on shows like this. Does anyone experience this in their non-televised friendships? Maybe I’m just lucky, but if my besties were constantly feuding and making me choose sides, I would find new besties.
Returning to Mayci’s healing journey, there’s a scene that really fucked me up. I will admit that I’m a medium on the crying scale. (Pixar will almost always get me, reality television will almost never.) But when Mikayla takes Mayci to go visit Arik’s crash site? When Mayci explains how she regrets that they were firing fighting words back and forth right before he died? When she tells us that she found out about his death VIA AN “RIP ARIK” INSTAGRAM POST?! Truly nightmare fuel. When MomTok uses the word “trauma” to talk about someone’s dancing video, I want them to remember that this is what “trauma” actually looks like. I cried so hard, I went on a walk and then came back to finish the episode.
This ended up being a wise decision, because the final-scene pivot is jarring to say the least. The producers invite Layla and Vanderpump Villa man Marciano to a ski resort in Park City. Marciano pours himself a glass of straight tequila and Layla’s shock at this action tells me she’s never seen a Bravo television program. Honey, these men are different. I can’t begin to explain to you just how different. One time, DJ James Kennedy skateboarded by me on the sidewalk, and his whole aura was so repugnant, I questioned whether I myself was still sober. Layla gets her own firsthand look, though.
I know nothing about this man, but he is positively dripping with SUR back alley energy. He goes on to tell Layla that he put himself out there because he heard “women swingers” and was like, it’s go time. He says he was looking to score with Demi, tried/failed to kiss her, and then gasses himself up saying, “if Bret wasn’t there, would things be different?” Again, Layla is clearly not a student of Vanderpump Rules because she does not recognize the specific flavor of delusion happening here. I will never understand where Lisa Vanderpump finds these men, but she is nothing if not consistent. Marciano goes on, through a very dramatic series of shrugs and “how about you guess!?” answers, to insinuate that him and Jessi not only fucked, but had a full-on affair. He does this by getting Layla to say all the words herself, communicating almost entirely in gestures.
I have some takes here, and they are varying flavors of nutty, so if you’ve been enjoying these recaps up to this point, maybe just stop reading here. All right, I warned you. So first off, I do not believe this man is telling the entire truth for a second. If I were to use the language of MomTok, I would say that he is “triggering” a decade of my experience being “traumatized” watching Jax Taylor on television. Executive producer Lisa Vanderpump teaches her minions how to make pristine television, and that is exactly what Marciano is doing. I don’t think he’s outright lying, but rather that those stimulant-induced bodily motions are the reality television equivalent of whatever you want to call the work of David Blaine.
Second, let’s do a little thought experiment. What if Jessi and this man did fuck? Does it really matter? If there’s one thing this show has taught me, it’s that I will never fully grasp the loopholes in the Mormon Word of Wisdom. For all we know, Jessi and Jordan are in an open relationship. And even if they’re not, is MomTok not built upon a foundation that “a little infidelity is okay, actually?” Isn’t its feminism of the third-wave, easily meme-able choice variety, where “we support women’s rights—and wrongs?” What if Jessi fucking Marciano is low-key positive for the MomTok bottom line, as it will generate plenty of off-season brand engagement and help float the girlies through another 10 episodes of drama? What if instead of the moms (Demi) turning this into a personal affront as they are sure to do, they met up for an All Fours book club during the production break? Alas, it is all TO BE CONTINUED. So I will see you on the other side!