The Real Housewives of Miami Recap: One Wedding and a Million Funerals
This episode is all about family reveals. Did you know that Lisa’s father was a superhot Mountie? It almost makes me want to forgive him for being an alcoholic who didn’t talk to his daughter for decades. We also get to meet Kiki Barth’s daughter, Summer, who is as obsessed with chocolate as any of the kids Willy Wonka murdered in his factory of horrors. Then we see a picture of her son, Shamar, and meet her mother, Guirlene, who tells Kiki to repair her own relationship with her no-good father, who hasn’t talked to her in a decade.
Oh, and we meet Marysol’s brother, Tommy, and his son, Hunter, at the party for Marysol’s wedding, which was also attended by her husband Steve’s kids, Garret and Hunter, who are the most Garret- and Hunter-looking Garret and Hunter I have ever seen. (Apologies to Marysol’s nephew, Hunter, who does not look so much like a Hunter and more like a Gatherer.) I already love Garret, who tells Marysol, wearing an eye patch to cover a sty, that now all she needs is a parrot. Get him on Next Gen NYC. Keeping with the theme of terrible, absentee fathers, when Marysol jokes to her brother that Steve both sounds like and looks like their own father, Tommy says, “He’s not nearly as mean as Dad was, that’s for sure.” Luckily, that was offset by Mama Elsa, Marysol’s sainted mother, who popped up in a few little bubbles from beyond the grave to remind the women of Miami how to behave. Just as they ignored her back then, they ignored her now.
Lisa was on her best behavior considering she was in Canada, the future 51st state, for her father’s funeral. Alexia FaceTimes her to invite her to Marysol’s surprise wedding reception, and Lisa tells her that she can’t come because her father just died. When she arrived after her Milan Fashion Week debut, her father was unconscious, and she didn’t have a moment with him before he died. Ugh, I hate to say it, but maybe Larsa was right about Lisa skipping the runway so that she could put a bow on the complicated relationship with her until-recently-estranged father.
Even though she is up north grieving both her father and her native country’s future loss of sovereignty, Lisa is still the topic of conversation at Marysol’s party. Everyone asks Larsa how their time in Milan went, and Larsa tells them that she and Lisa brokered détente and that Lisa agreed to unfollow Marcus on all social-media platforms, including Friendster, LinkedIn, and WikiFeet. But then something with Jody totally ruined it. She says he started screaming at them and didn’t let them talk. Immediately, everyone asked how bugged-out his eyes were, which is the new code for “AC,” which is the new code for “pasta,” which is the new code for “Were people doing coke in your bathroom?”
Yes, it seems as though the ladies are all concerned about Jody’s propensity for booger sugar. Larsa shares a picture of Jody, and, yes, the eyes look crazier than Snap, Crackle, and Pop after they’ve been doing poppers on the dance floor at a circuit party for ten hours. Kiki, in confessional, says, “I’ve seen Jody’s eyes looking crazy before, but these are especially crazy.” I think that can translate to “I’ve seen Jody high before, but, girl, she is higher than Mariah’s whistle tones.” But some of the other ladies aren’t onboard. Alexia just says that is what Jody looks like, and Marysol and Julia agree with her. Maybe it’s a thyroid problem? Maybe he was caught by surprise by the camera? Maybe he’s Ramona Singer’s long-lost second cousin? All plausible scenarios.
Larsa’s problem, however, is not the drug use or the yelling. She thinks that there’s something more nefarious going on. She thinks that Jody is controlling her, trying to horn in on her business deals and take over her life. I’m not quite sure about that. Based on the snippet of conversation we saw of Lisa and Jody discussing business in Milan, it appears that Jody simply wants Lisa to respond to emails like a human. Remember, Lisa is literally incapable of answering her phone, showing up on time, or paying attention to any detail that has nothing to do with the details of the straps on her Birkins. They say he’s playing manager, but maybe he’s just playing caretaker. Larsa also thinks Jody is after her money, but isn’t Jody the one with the money? I was under the impression that Lisa was using him for money. Is there something about this arrangement I don’t understand?
That isn’t the biggest fight at Marysol’s reception. That honor also doesn’t go to Adriana, who was left off the guest list. It’s okay; she was too busy on the beach with her new French lover trying to figure out how to “go topless” into the ocean while wearing a one-piece bathing suit. Girl, I don’t know that anyone finds the reverse Donald Duck sexy.
No, the big fight is thanks to Julia Lemigova and Guerdy Abraira, the warring factions of season seven. I don’t know what to make of this fight. It all comes back to a cruise — but like Tom and Katie’s conflicting stories about this (Suri) cruise. The way Guerdy tells it, Julia called her up in tears the day of the cruise and asked her to come with her at the last minute because Martina couldn’t make it because she had a health scare. The way Julia tells it, Guerdy asked if she could come even though Guerdy seemed to have been invited on the exact same cruise a few days before and just returned from it. On the cruise, Guerdy says that she was made to feel like a plus-one and “less than” because she wasn’t Martina and that Julia generally ignored her and her feelings. Julia says that Guerdy tried to make it all about herself, the people she was going to meet, and the social-media content she could create to burnish her brand.
I can see both of them being right, but I can’t get enough evidence to really make a judgment. It’s like the Lisa and Larsa skirmish from the premiere: It’s hard to pick sides when they’re both wrong. Julia says that Guerdy is too much and makes everything about herself, and, well, based on three seasons of evidence, I can totally see how that’s true. I often think that Guerdy is too much, and I often think she makes a lot of things about herself. However, those are both attributes that most great Real Housewives have, so it’s not like I mind, but Julia is not wrong.
However, something in Julia’s telling doesn’t stack up, either. During their giant brawl, Julia says that the person Guerdy was trying to meet was Captain Sandy of Below Deck fame. Really? That’s it? I mean, Guerdy could just meet her at BravoCon. Guerdy could just call up Bravo PR and ask someone to set up a dinner. It’s not as if Guerdy really needs to ruin a friendship to hang out with Captain Sandy of all people. Now, if it were Captain Kirk, Captain Morgan, or Captain & Tennille, I could understand, but not a fellow Bravolebrity.
The way I have parsed this argument makes it sound normal and orderly, whereas the two of them trying to discuss it at the party is neither. In fact, at one point, Boo Bear Steve is convinced that the owners of the yacht-inspired restaurant are going to kick him out of his own wedding. While Julia (a few vodkas in) is hyping up the newlyweds, Guerdy tells the women that Julia has a problem with her, even though Julia has yet to address it with her directly. The ladies all decide they should talk, but when Julia returns to the table, Guerdy asks if they should do it in the group or alone. Julia immediately gets upset that Guerdy is “producing” and starts barking at her like Guerdy is some kind of subordinate. Then Guerdy says that Julia is acting like a hyena and tells her this is not an animal farm and that she is disgusting.
At some point, they stand up and Guerdy heads to the door, where Julia threatens her. Guerdy asks if she’s going to hit her, and Julia denies it. This thing goes from zero to 60 faster than Captain Sandy’s yacht in a windstorm. They sit back down with Guerdy and Julia flanking an innocent Kiki, who probably wishes she were at home eating ice cream with America’s youngest chocoholic. Guerdy tries to tell her side of the story, but Julia starts accusing her of being a “liar” and a “psychopath.” After the accusations, Guerdy tells Julia to shut up, and Julia empties an entire water glass on both Guerdy and Kiki. We’ve seen a lot of liquids being thrown on these shows over the years, but this is the first double-barreled throw we’ve seen. Julia gets out not one pump of the glass but two. Then Guerdy accuses Julia of getting a face-lift when Martina was in New York getting chemo, and there we all are, right there in the basement, right there on the animal farm, rolling around in the muck with the rest of the hyenas with not a single side to choose.
It’s unclear how it all ends, how it just kind of stops, like a ceiling fan slowing with each revolution until it finally comes to a silent rest. After everyone left, Marysol walked out onto the balcony to look over the waterway the restaurant is perched atop. She looked out over the water, over the Miami skyline, to the moon doodling light on the surface of the ocean. That’s the water her mean father and her sainted mother crossed to get her here, to this country, to this place. She fingers the bracelet on her wrist, the one her mother brought with her from Cuba. It’s from the ’30s and as full of stories as it is stones. Marysol felt like touching every one of them, like it was a rosary, like saying a prayer on each one could unlock some kind of secret solace. With her hands leaning over the railing, her fingers finally came to the clasp. It was a long night of memories, of family, of screaming, and her fingers stayed on that clasp. She saw the skyline, the light, and the moon all over again, and for some reason, she thought about undoing that clasp, just letting the bracelet fall off and land with an almost silent plonk into the ocean. She laughed at how her mother would have made fun of her not only for losing jewelry but also for channeling Titanic, a movie that Elsa hated. She could hear it — her mother railing against James Cameron. She could hear her laugh; she could hear her stories; she could hear her rebukes of these women still echoing in her mind, and slowly, with each turn of her mind slowing just like that ceiling fan, Marysol forgot all about letting go.