All’s Fair Recap: Babies on Board
In some ways, the second episode of All’s Fair feels more like a pilot than the first, namely because we finally get to actually learn about who these characters are. Allura is now going through a divorce of her own, and because of this, she’s brought their old mentor, Dina, into the fold to represent her. As we all know, when you’re going through a divorce, you have to call up all the best lawyers for consultations so they’ll be “conflicted out” — meaning your ex can’t hire them. Allura did this with all but one: her nemesis, Carrington Lane. “How are you holding up, you poor, discarded cum rag?” Carr asks when Allura finally calls her up, but unfortunately for her, it’s too late. Chase already hired her.
While Allura’s relationship status is one of active warfare, each of her fellow partners’ respective statuses is a different manifestation of their line of work. Liberty has the cliché fear of commitment that you’d expect from a divorce attorney. We see her get proposed to by a long-term boyfriend despite her protests to go slow, and she rebuffs him in a panic. That sensibility is countered by Dina’s, who plays the romantic foil to Liberty’s pessimist. She’s deeply in love with her husband, played by Ed O’Neill, but has struggled to care for him and keep the spark alive since he’s fallen ill. Meanwhile, Emerald has no need for men, using a sperm donor to create her perfect family of high-achieving triplets.
But what about this week’s case? Well, it goes without saying how much of a joy it is to see Elizabeth Berkley — in fact, you could say that I’m so excited to see her. She plays an inventor named Deandre Barber who started a manufacturing company with her husband in which she created the product and he ran the business. As it turned out, the companies he generously put in her name were actually drowning in debt, which she’s now responsible for. They tell her that they can try their best, but even in victory she will always look complicit in his con, and this hell will never be over. She promptly steps out on the balcony and jumps to her death. “Oh shit!” Emerald screams.
Cut to them all sipping Champagne on their private jet, on their way to the auction of (last episode’s client) Sheila Baskin’s jewelry. This show could be some kind of social commentary if these characters weren’t meant to be the protagonists. But luckily, my hero is here to save us. At the auction, they run into none other than Carrington herself, who addresses them as Mayor McHead Cheese (Allura), Diane Sawyer (Liberty), Lola Falana (Emerald), and George Washington (Dina). It’s here that I realize why Carrington Lane is so near and dear to my heart. Sarah Paulson is essentially playing Sue Sylvester. Ryan Murphy must have dusted off the pen he used to write those iconic lines for Jane Lynch, and now Sarah Paulson gets to tell Glenn Close that she’s an old plow horse that should have been shipped off to the glue factory. It’s the only bright spot of the show, and what a joy it’ll be to watch these two trade off cartoonish digs while going head to head in court.
Back in California, Emerald’s investigation into Chase reveals the bombshell that he’s been sleeping with Milan. But before we get into that, it’s worth noting that during this scene, Emerald is wearing what appears to be Jeff Daniels’s light-blue suit and hat from Dumb and Dumber, while Allura looks like she’s in a Dune movie. Dina instructs her to get mad and get revenge, to which Allura responds, “Yes, Mother”: a telltale sign that most of this show was written with the sole hope of being screenshotted for Instagram memes.
Dina ends up taking it upon herself to confront Deandre’s ex-husband for the scam he pulled over on his late ex, telling him she has enough evidence to put him away for ten years. But if he makes good to all of the people he owes and gives Deandre’s shares of the firm to her family, she’ll let him walk. This marks the third case now that they’ve been able to resolve with ease, which doesn’t make for an interesting viewing experience whatsoever.
The only divorce thus far that really digs into the complexity of these kinds of cases is Allura’s, which is rife with hyperbolic, soapy drama. After finding out about the affair, she pulls up to Milan’s house and walks up to her car. How do we know it’s Milan’s car? Well, naturally, her license plate says “Milan.” Clad in a flowing yellow dress and wielding a baseball bat, she destroys it in slo-mo à la Beyoncé in the “Hold Up” music video, or à la Titus Andromedon on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. But the Lemonade homage turns out to just be a daydream, and she’s there to confront Milan sans bat. She tries to explain herself to her betrayed boss, whom she claims to worship — so much so that this affair was like an attempt to be her. She got to be the star, rather than the moth circling Allura’s flame. But to add fuel to that fire, Milan reveals that she’s pregnant with Chase’s baby … because of course she is.
The following episode kicks off on a much lighter note with the lawyers all sitting around trading their favorite cosmetic procedures and self-care rituals. It’s here that we get some of Kim’s best acting work yet, which makes sense — she feels right at home talking about “aging and gravity and public opinion.” This little Sex and the City moment leads us right to the topic at the center of this episode’s cast.
Jessica Simpson guest stars as LeeAnn, the younger wife of a rock star, whose fairy-tale romance soured when she was about to turn 40 and he began berating her for her looks and forced her to undergo extensive and extreme plastic surgeries. He blamed her aging for his infidelity and hired a doctor (“The Butcher of Beverly Hills”) who would perform any surgery he wanted on her.
It’s during that meeting that Emerald gets word about a new dalliance of Chase’s, and she has to break the news to Allura that he was also cheating on her with a trans former sex worker named Maria (played by Hari Nef). Allura and Milan then pair up to go get tested for STIs together, since they both fucked “the same serial-cheating sex addict” — but something about this timing feels icky. Allura was already aware that Chase had cheated on her with several cis women, but it wasn’t until she found out about his relationship with a trans former sex worker that she rushed to the clinic? The show leans into this offensive, problematic plot device without any self-awareness. There’s also comically weak reasoning for why they’re even doing this together in the first place with Allura saying it’s because the doctor doesn’t have any openings for new patients “until 2040.” Okay … she can go get tested literally anywhere? But I suppose the show needed this bizarre bonding experience to get Milan to spill the beans about Chase liking a strap-on. Hey, it’s safe sex!
When Carrington and Dina sit down face-to-face to negotiate Allura’s divorce, Dina brings up Chase’s relationship with Maria as a means to blackmail him. Here’s where the show does have some awareness about its characters’ problematic indiscretions, and Carrington pushes back to point out that a relationship with a trans woman isn’t anything to be ashamed of. Unless Dina wishes to align herself with J.K. Rowling, she adds. Yet again, I find myself on the side of the woman who is supposed to be the show’s super-villain! Here she is being woke in the name of destroying her enemies, most of whom the show has given us very little reason to root for. Granted, Carr also threatens to eat Allura’s frozen embryos unless she hands over everything Chase wants. But if one of the world’s best divorce lawyers was too stupid to draft an ironclad IVF contract at the time, Carr can chow down (even if she does refer to herself as a “greedy little pig bottom”).
As for Maria, she meets up with Chase to tell him that Allura reached out in an attempt to recruit her to the cause, but she’s brushing her off. She tells Chase that she plans to ignore Allura and deny everything. But in exchange, she wants a very public date with him once all the dust has settled — not for her, but to publicly legitimize her community to millions. It’s an interesting story line to give to Matthew Noszka, of all people, given his right-wing social-media posts.
But speaking of public dates, even though the firm successfully scored LeeAnn a massive settlement, they find out that her rage was still too strong. She followed her ex and a hot young date of his to a restaurant, where she got her revenge by throwing acid on his face — a scene that gave Jessica Simpson a chance to do some great maniacal cackling. It also prompted a conversation about Allura’s own rage.
She tries to overcome it by helping Milan set up a nursery that she now will probably never get to have herself, given that her embryos are in limbo. But after sharing that with Milan, she reignites her fire with a “Fuck that shit.” Newly emboldened, Allura decides to forge Chase’s signature on the documents and have two of their embryos implanted without his consent. Is this idiot dumb? Aren’t you supposed to be an expert lawyer? I swear this show just starts with a mic-drop final moment and works backward, but what it should be doing is putting Carrington Lane on my screen AT! ALL! TIMES!