All’s Fair Recap: Carr Crash

How does Allura Grant get ready for work each day? If appearances are to be believed, she has a full glam squad to assemble her hair, makeup, and outfits like a NASCAR pit crew each morning. But that seems like an unlikely indulgence for a lawyer, even one of her status and facial symmetry. So we simply have to assume that she wakes up each day at the crack of dawn to apply a full beat of makeup, digs through her closet for an outfit that Spirit Halloween would sell as a “Sexy Businesswoman” costume, and meticulously constructs her hair — making sure the bob is slicked, yet flipped, and that one single lock is curled out over her forehead like Superman. Then, and only then, is she ready to do some lawyering.

But in this week’s episode, Allura isn’t the lawyer — she’s the client, and her mediation with Chase gets our full attention. After Chase’s team of Carrington and her new partner, Alberta Dome (yet again, a perfect name), dry-shampoo his oily man bun and try to flatter the judge, the mediation kicks off with Chase making a statement reflecting on their relationship. Allura gets emotional and has to leave the room, and when we cut to her in the bathroom, she has mascara running down her cheeks from the tears the makeup department seemingly applied to Kim Kardashian’s face off-camera. But is this emotion about Chase or is it about what she’s gripping her stomach over? After emerging from a stall, she tells Dina that she just got her period, meaning the embryos didn’t take. Dina, of course, is horrified to find out about Allura breaking the law to implant the embryos in the first place, and tells her that they have to keep this secret from Carrington for as long as possible. At least a baby bump won’t be giving it away.

Since they don’t yet know about this destruction of communal property, Carrington tells Chase that their focus is on nullifying the prenup without it seeming like they want to nullify the prenup. Because if they challenge it outright and lose, they walk away with nothing. So they act like they’re happy with it, but casually bring up some evidence that could nullify it. That evidence is a scholarship Allura set up to honor her father, Albus Grant, because of course that’s what his name is. She explains that Daddy Dumbledore drank himself to death due to the guilt he felt after Allura was sent to an abusive reform school in Vermont. But why didn’t the scholarship go to any of the students at that school, Alberta Dome innocently wonders? As it turns out, Allura bought the reform school to shut it down — an asset that was never disclosed in the prenup, and thus could make the whole thing null and void.

Without the shackles of the prenup, Carrington demands property, alimony, and, most critically, a stake in the law firm. But in exchange, Allura would get the embryos. If they don’t agree, the embryos get destroyed. “Tick-tock, Clarice,” she says, quoting the late great Hannibal Lecter, which makes me think that at least 50 percent of Carrington’s lines should just be Sarah Paulson quoting famous villains.

But those embryos are already gone, and rather than Allura using that information to her advantage and acting like she doesn’t mind if they get destroyed, thus undermining Carr’s upper hand, she bizarrely comes clean. She confesses to a felony right there in front of the judge, telling them all that she implanted the embryos three weeks ago but they didn’t take. Christmas came early for Carrington, but before she can even finish celebrating this victory, an emotional Chase stops them from going after her. “Have it your way, Burger King,” Carr tells him. Yet another perfect line.

But just as things are getting fun, Dina gets a call from her husband’s hospice nurse and has to run off. “This is the worst time for Liberty to be across town doing arbitration,” Emerald says, explaining for the first time why Naomi Watts isn’t in this episode at all. I love how these actresses take turns having to be on this show, and now that it’s renewed for a second season, I hope they add more and more lawyers until they each only have to film for ten minutes a season. So with Dina gone, Emerald leads the charge and is ready to do things her way, telling their opposition that it’s time to buckle up. “Enough edging, counselor, let us come already,” Carrington tells her, fulfilling Paulson’s contractual obligation to reference come at least once per episode.

Emerald’s first order of business is to bring up evidence that Chase was fixing NFL games with an online-gambling site, but the judge agrees with Carrington that it wouldn’t be admissible in court. So she instead pivots to detailing Chase’s infidelity, which also can’t be held against him since California is a no-fault state, but would expose him as an asshole in the court of public opinion. Carrington uses this mention of “exposed asshole” to bring up the photos taken of Emerald by her attacker, a low blow that Emerald quickly returns, despite Dina’s advice. But Dina isn’t there, so she pulls up the dashcam footage of Carrington getting a DUI — in which she drunkenly tells the cop about how she could have given her client a blowjob and brags about having no gag reflex.

“You fucking bitches!” Carrington screams, before climbing across the conference room table and grabbing Emerald’s iPad out of her hands. She leaps up, now standing on the table, yelling at them all in the throes of this breakdown. In a desperate attempt to strike back, she starts (presumably) lying about having slept with Chase both before and after his split with Allura, detailing it with cries of, “In my mouth, in my ass, in my pussy!” The Emmy campaign starts today, purely so we can all watch this diatribe get played as Sarah Paulson’s clip when they announce the nominees.

But the thing is, I don’t believe that this would actually rattle Carrington. Sure, it’s embarrassing, but why would she give them the satisfaction of knowing it got to her? This Countess Luann–esque dashcam footage seems like something Carrington of all people would be able to brush off, but alas. The main purpose of this breakdown seems to be garnering pity for Carr from her adversaries, starting with Emerald, who follows her out of the conference room to check on her. She relates to Carr by telling her a story of getting rejected from a sorority for not being a good fit, but says that rather than trying to burn them down, she chose to build herself up. Emerald tells her that she has no desire to destroy her, and that if they settle, she’ll not only bury the tape but put in a good word for Carrington’s daughter at the school she’s applying to.

This sudden pivot to kindness confuses Carrington, and things only get stranger when Allura walks in and tells her that they made a mistake in not inviting her to join them when they struck out on their own all those years ago. It feels like we’re watching Carrington Lane’s Make-a-Wish. It’s especially odd that her outburst is what has them all going, Wait, she would have actually made a great co-worker, but ultimately it has more to do with them realizing just how much that snub broke her.

After coming to a favorable settlement, Allura and Chase cross paths in the lobby. At least I’m assuming it’s the lobby — no part of these offices look remotely like anything I’ve seen before. A private office could be a snack bar, a snack bar could be an elevator, an elevator could be a bathroom — there’s no way of knowing where exactly we ever are, so let’s call it a lobby. They shake hands at first, before kissing. How could she resist that dry-shampooed hair?

Now, you might have been thinking, are we making it through this entire episode without a fireplace? Is this some kind of series record? Well, fear not, because the episode ends in Dina Standish’s bedroom, where a fire is roaring and her husband is dying. Let’s all pour one out for Ed O’Neill, who achieved the dream gig of getting to hang out with Glenn Close without ever getting out of bed.