WHO warns Trump funding cuts may delay release of new pandemic

GENEVA — World Health Organization (WHO) leaders are sounding the alarm Thursday, warning that President Trump’s temporary freeze on federal funding for the organization may delay the release of a new pandemic.

“And that would be terrible,” the organization said in a statement. “We’ve got a cool name for it and everything. Delaying the pandemic now would cost hundreds, maybe thousands of good-paying Chinese jobs.”

According to WHO officials, the next pandemic is expected to be a “real doozy” and lead to creative new policies like standing exactly 28.5 feet away from other people, wearing masks over your ears, and burning down churches. But now, at the rate American policies are changing, the pandemic may never even happen.