Paul Merson admits he wanted to ‘kill himself’ as Arsenal legend opens up on alcoholism battle
PAUL MERSON has revealed he almost took his own life last year during the darkest days of his battle with alcoholism.
Arsenal great Merse, now 51, has struggled with drink and gambling problems for decades.
The former England star is now a year sober – but revealed he reached his lowest point 12-months ago this week as he sat “with tablets in his hand” after spiralling into depression.
Opening up in his column with the Daily Star, Merson wrote: “On Monday I’ll have been sober for a year. But this time last year, I wanted to kill myself.
“I couldn’t go on any more. I just couldn’t see a way out. I had the tablets in my hand. I didn’t take enough to do anything but I had them there. With vodka. It was scary.
“It was only because of the kids really, and my wife, and a little bit of consciousness, that I didn’t.
It’s only now I know. I have an illness. I have a mental illness. I’ve accepted that now. Before, I used to beat myself up all the time.”
Paul Merson
“Fear probably as well. I was scared to do it. When you’re in that place, you don’t see how it’s ever going to pass. But I have the tools now. If I get into a real down situation, I know it will pass.
“I don’t want to kill myself any more. I don’t have those thoughts. I’m not carrying the world on my shoulders. Walking around with guilt.
“I’m not beating myself up, drinking and gambling all the time and asking why I’m doing this to myself.
“It’s only now I know. I have an illness. I have a mental illness. I’ve accepted that now. Before, I used to beat myself up all the time.”
Last year on an episode of Harry’s Heroes viewers broke down in tears after emotional Merson admitted that his gambling addiction left him feeling “like a crack addict” as he lost £7million during the 1990s.
Merson admitted the root of his evil was alcohol – but revealed his life had been turned around after giving up booze.
He explained: “This is the best thing I’ve ever done. I was in bed on New Year’s Eve by 9.30. I went to an AA meeting, came home, watched The Sting and went to bed.
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“If I have one piece of advice to give to people – talk. Nothing ever gets better if you don’t talk. Once you talk to people you start seeing the light.
“I ring people up and tell them if I don’t feel good. Before, I sat indoors, pulled the curtains, and I’d watch the phone ring.
“I would literally watch people ringing me trying to help me, but I wouldn’t take the calls. It’s the worst place to be, having that fear that it’s never going to get better. You have to talk.”