What it’s REALLY like to date as a single dad – from one-night stands to being ghosting
BEING ghosted, one-night stands and women who won’t look twice at him because he has a child – that’s what it’s like to date, according to a single dad.
Here, Mark Waddington, 32, from Skipton, North Yorkshire, reveals what it’s really like trying to find love when you’re a full-time father.
Staring at my phone, I willed it to beep with a message. Instead, it sat on the table, completely silent. My heart sank as I realised I’d been ghosted by Hannah*, who I’d matched with on Tinder a few weeks before – just hours before our first date. It felt completely brutal.
I never imagined I’d be back on the dating scene on the cusp of turning 30. I was 21 when I started dating my ex-fiancée. We met through mutual friends in 2010, had our daughter Lizzie, now six, in 2014 and got engaged in 2017.
But our relationship ended the following year and I was awarded full custody of Lizzie and began juggling being a single dad with my busy job as a professional magician, working mostly at corporate events and weddings.
In late 2018, I thought it was time to start putting myself back out there.
After more than seven years in a committed relationship and four years watching Peppa Pig and ferrying Lizzie to nursery and play dates, I was terrified. I had hardly any dating experience, never mind all these new dating apps that had sprung up.
But I was excited, too – I’d missed having someone special in my life. I wanted the chance to be Mark again, as well as Dad.
I knew I couldn’t just think about myself and what I wanted in a potential partner – I also had to think about Lizzie, because we came as a package, and the right woman for me had to be right for her, too.
Early on, I decided only to introduce Lizzie to a potential partner if it became serious.
I’d missed having someone special in my life. I wanted the chance to be Mark again, as well as Dad.
Mates were really supportive, but because they were mostly in long-term relationships, they didn’t have much advice about the modern dating landscape, so I was going in blind.
Taking a deep breath, I dived in, downloading Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Bumble, as I’d at least heard of them.
DATING CHECKLISTS
It felt strange uploading photos of myself for strangers to look at, but I decided to go with a light-hearted approach, choosing casual, smiling selfies, and writing about my inappropriate sense of humour, that I “confuse drunk people for a living”, and my love of a good film.
I was upfront about being a full-time single dad – not only was it the most important part of my identity, but there was also no point in wasting time with a woman who wasn’t comfortable dating a father.
My first impression of the online dating landscape was… wow! And not in a good way.
Many of the profiles were basically a checklist of what the woman didn’t want – anyone under 6ft 2in (I’m 5ft 11in), anyone who didn’t earn a six-figure salary (sadly, not me either), anyone who wasn’t a rugby player… I began to feel deflated as I opened my apps every night once Lizzie was in bed.
Soon, all the profiles began to turn into one, big Snapchat-filtered, duck-pout blur. When I did match with a nice-looking woman, I couldn’t get over how fast-paced the process was.
If I didn’t respond to a message quickly enough – perhaps because I was busy cooking Lizzie’s tea or at parents’ evening – I’d find the woman had moved on.
As any single parent knows, you just don’t have the time to be glued to your phone 24/7.
A few weeks after I joined Tinder, I struck up a good conversation with Hannah. She seemed bubbly, friendly and loved that I was a magician.
Naively, I thought I’d struck it lucky on my very first attempt. For our date, I offered to cook her Italian food at mine, while my parents babysat Lizzie.
On the day, I went shopping for ingredients with a spring in my step. When I messaged Hannah to confirm the time, I got no response.
I left it a few hours and messaged again, but there was still no reply, then I realised I was being ghosted. I was stunned – I’d never experienced anything like it before. When I’d last been single, people at least sent a text cancelling a date!
After that first disaster, I did go on to meet several women, with varying degrees of success. Before each date I’d feel nervous but hopeful – maybe this would be someone I wanted to spend my life with.
WOMEN ALWAYS BACK OFF
In early 2019, there was Laura*, who was a friend of a friend, and seemed great on our first few dates. But when she said she was in love with me on the third date, it was far too intense.
I don’t believe real love can come that quickly, so I gently broke it off with her. She was upset, but I didn’t want to just ghost her, having experienced that myself.
That summer I met Jenny* on a dating app. She came round to watch a movie while Lizzie was having a sleepover with my parents, who are a great support to me and help with childcare.
As soon as she got in the front door, she stripped off. I’m a red-blooded male and I didn’t complain, but I never heard from her again. Although it was fun, one-night stands aren’t for me.
What I’m really looking for is someone who I can laugh and talk with, who’ll be happy coming to the park and bonding with Lizzie.
Though I’ve always made it very clear I’m a dad from the offset, it’s put some women off, and there have been a few who have backed off when they realise I’m Lizzie’s sole carer.
I want to get to know someone and let them get to know me, not make snap judgements and scroll on past.
Last year, I had an almost-year-long relationship with Nina*, who I met online, but in the end, me being a full-time dad split us up.
At first, it hadn’t been a problem, and she said she understood my time and attention would always be divided.
But as the months went on, it began to cause arguments. There were times she wanted just the two of us to go out, but I didn’t have a babysitter for Lizzie, and she would get frustrated if I didn’t respond to a message or call back immediately because I was busy with dad duties.
Over time, I felt she resented Lizzie, and we eventually split up. Lizzie had met Nina, but she just thinks she was a “special friend”, and for now, that’s all she needs to know.
I need to protect her from that sort of drama and upset, but it really did knock my confidence about dating for a long time, and at night I’d often sit and wonder if I was going to be alone forever.
Between lockdown, homeschooling and recently getting back to work, I’d set dating to one side, but now, with life starting to feel more normal, I’d like to try again.
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I still have a Tinder profile, but in future I’d prefer to meet women the old-fashioned way – at the pub, through friends, or at work. I want to get to know someone and let them get to know me, not make snap judgements and scroll on past.
I’ve had an epiphany that a single mum might be the best match for me. Not only will we have shared experiences, but we’ll each understand that the other has a practical and emotional juggle to perform in a relationship and not feel threatened by that.
One day, the right woman will come along, but until she does, I’m a proud and happy single dad to my perfect girl – Lizzie.
*Names have been changed
- Grooming: Becca Anderton
- Thanks to Alexander’s Grand Cafe, Bar & Terrace (Alexanders-skipton.com)