Apologies Women Need to Make (Sorry, It’s True!)

Sorry, I have a question.

Sorry, what? No, I’m not pregnant. When do I want kids? Uh… I don’t know. I’m twenty-nine. Great questions, though! All relevant for this job interview.

I am so sorry. I’m sick and can’t come to work today. My symptoms? Well, I’m on my period — what, TMI? Sorry! You asked! But, obviously, I should have known that mentioning my disgusting female problems would make you uncomfortable (as it should).

Oh, you must be the new client! I’m sorry, I’m an engineer, not the receptionist. But I feel terrible for misleading you, so can I get you some coffee or give you a foot massage while you wait for the CEO?

Sorry for clocking in three minutes late. I had to drop off my kids at school, but then one of them puked Cocoa Puffs all over my shirt, and — I know, I should have just told him not to get sick! It was completely in my control, and I have no excuses. Please don’t fire me.

I’m sorry this is bad timing, but I’m pregnant and will need to take maternity leave starting in December. But maybe I can get a C-section at 26 weeks so that I can be back in time for the busy season. Does that work?

Sorry about my naturally screechy voice. Feel free to plug your ears whenever I’m talking!

Sorry for my resting bitch face — I know my serious expression is no fun for you to look at, which is unacceptable. Yes, you’re right, I should smile more! Thank you for the advice, male stranger!

Ugh, sorry I’m not wearing makeup today. I look like a total swamp creature. Anyway, ready for this half-marathon?

Sorry for crying so much at my mom’s funeral. All the men here are so calm and composed, and I’m completely, unreasonably hysterical!

Hey, sorry to ask, but is this bus seat open? Also, I apologize that my nine-months-pregnant-with-triplets belly is taking up so much room. Actually, I’ll just stand. It’s fine!

Oh no, sorry you have to see me like this — I know I just gave birth two weeks ago, but that’s no excuse for not shedding the twenty pounds of baby weight and getting an eight-pack. The nerve of me to take up 13% more space than I used to! So inconsiderate since other people have to look at my disgusting body.

Sorry, can you please stop yelling at me?

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. I’m overreacting. True, I just caught you cheating on me with my sister, but it’s much worse for you because your crazy girlfriend is screaming at you for cheating. Are you OK?

I’m really sorry, but I’m breaking up with you. I’m sorry for ending things now, the moment I realized I no longer loved you, instead of stringing you along just to avoid hurting your feelings. Oh, please don’t cry. I’m sorry! I shouldn’t have said anything. Why couldn’t I have kept my mouth shut and stayed miserable in this relationship while we got married, had kids, and stayed together for another 50 years until one of us died?

Sorry, I’m not interested in you, creepy drunk guy at Applebee’s — I’m married. Yes, you’re absolutely right! I am a nasty bitch for politely turning you down when I clearly should have prioritized your fragile ego. Let me just divorce my husband real quick, and then you can put your sweaty hands wherever you want.

So sorry, catcalling construction workers. As much as I’d like to stay and bask in your heartfelt praise, I really must get going. Apologies if I also involuntarily make a face — you’re just being nice, and I can’t take a compliment.

Sorry, I know it’s really stupid, but can you walk me to my car? Actually, I don’t want to inconvenience you. It’s only 11 PM — I can walk back to the sketchy parking garage by myself.

Hey, who are you? Sorry, but can you please stop following me?

Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but did you just slip something into my drink?

I’m sorry, I should have been more clear last night. Obviously, saying “no” over and over really means “yes” — silly me! It’s all my fault anyway. It was late, I drank two entire sips of beer, and I was wearing that super sexy shapeless potato-sack dress, and you literally could not resist taking it off. Of course, I won’t say anything! The last thing I want to do is damage your upstanding reputation, even though all I want is to play the victim and get attention.

Sorry for apologizing so much!