MCSWEENEY’S

“Nearly half of Republicans believe California ‘not really American.’ ” — LA Times

A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture.

What is the Forest Service’s new policy regarding the tick problem?
We locate the hellbeasts wherever they have made the mistake of existing and send them to the flaming valleys of the Underworld from whence they crawled out during phase one of The Reaping.

Veruca Salt: Like Captain Ahab, you are defined by an all-absorbing monomaniacal obsession: to find comfortable shoes that aren’t hideous.

In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself.

I only have 137 days until my wedding, but I’m starting to worry I won’t finish all of the planning. You see, my mom just cashed in decades worth of goddamned Mother’s Day coupons. All at once.

Despite near-constant whining about how impossible it is to be a mother, really, it’s simple: you just have to be perfect. No, not like that. Not annoyingly perfect, like a show-off or something. You need to be effortless and self-deprecating in your perfection. Not that self-deprecating—is this a joke to you? Are you mocking the moms out there who are struggling? Honestly, how hard is it to be perfect in a precise, scientifically calibrated way designed to be 100 percent infallible without ever being exhausted... Читать дальше...

When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what Susan Sontag called the Kingdom of the Sick. In this column, she’ll explore the anthropological strangeness of this new place, the mysteries of the body, and how facing death distills life into its purest form: funny, terrifying, and sublime. Читать дальше...

Need for opinion on whether or not the outfit looks okay.

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Question about whether unrefrigerated leftovers are safe to eat.

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Request to check childhood bedroom
for an article of clothing that hasn’t been
worn in at least six years.

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Indecision about what to order in a restaurant.

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Indignation when you don’t reply to
a “MOM MOM MOM MOM” text
within forty-five seconds.

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Dear Parent,

This is an automatically generated message. A sweep of our camp registration system indicates we’re missing information we need in order to welcome your camper. The due date for this information has passed, and if we don’t receive it by the end of the day, your camper will be unable to join us.

Please upload the following item(s): PERSEPHONE CODEX.

For your convenience, below is a checklist of the records that staff must receive by no later than two weeks ago. Читать дальше...