Brian Wilson Gets Yacht Blocked
Dear Mr. Wilson:
RE: Package from You, July 5th, 2021.
We appreciate you sending your latest LP, At My Piano, in advance of its release. Of course, we’ll review the tracks for inclusion on Yacht Rock on SiriusXM, channel 311. We take our music mix very seriously, and we are guided by the Yachtski scale as well as the Seven Pillars of Yacht Rock.
On a personal note, my mother was a big fan of your early hits where you wore those orange striped bathing suits.
Fun, Fun, Fun!
Cassie M. Martin
A&R Director, Yacht Rock
SiriusXM
Dear Mr. Wilson:
RE: Email of July 17th, 2021.
I think characterizing yourself as “the founder of Yacht Rock” is a bit of an overstatement and, well, simply untrue. J.D. Ryznar, Steve Huey, Hunter Stair, and David Lyons created the term, and, honestly, I have been very wary of people trying to expand the definition, unless it’s Rupert Holmes, who is kind of like our spirit animal here, and can do whatever he wants. Did you see The Mystery of Edwin Drood? Classic.
And even if J.D., Steve, Hunter, and David, the creators of Yacht Rock, now on channel 70, made an album, it would undoubtedly have “The Doobie Bounce,” which is number seven of our Seven Pillars of Yacht Rock and something that is completely lacking from your record.
If it makes you feel any better, we can agree that you are the founder of The Beach Boys, a band famous for pretending to be at the beach, has a low Yachtski score, and never gets played on Yacht Rock on SiriusXM—listen from your computer or on your phone with the SiriusXM App.
God Only Knows,
Cassie M. Martin
A&R Director, Yacht Rock
SiriusXM
Dear Mr. Wilson:
RE: Email of July 30th, 2021.
I don’t dispute the Wikipedia entry that suggests that the “roots of yacht rock can be traced to the music of The Beach Boys,” but I feel compelled to point out that all three acts you mentioned (The Doobie Brothers, Christopher Cross, and Steely Dan) have higher “Yachtski” scores than your band. The Yachtski score, while not binding or absolute, is a critical barometer of whether a song or artist is “Yacht” or “Nyacht.” The Beach Boys, the group that you founded, are “Nyacht.” The website has a scale, so you can look for yourself.
It’s ironic that you question my Yacht Rock bona fides when you fronted a band named for being at the beach and not in the water, where yachts are. I mean, you weren’t “The Boat Boys,” right? Did they even have yachts in the ’60s?
With only good vibrations,
Cassie M. Martin
A&R Director, Yacht Rock
SiriusXM
Dear Mr. Wilson:
RE: Email of August 5th, 2021.
Okay, have it your way. Let’s talk about irony:
I realize you had long left the band before “Kokomo” came out, but just the same, it isn’t even a real beach. It’s made up. That’s totally antithetical to Yacht Rock on SiriusXM, channel 722. We believe in maps. Also, you say you “gave the Captain (of Captain & Tennille) his career,” but he isn’t a real captain. That’s a violation of maritime law. Not cool. Plus, five cis white males calling someone “Surfer Girl” is demeaning and creepy. Maybe you should knock it off.
Wouldn’t it be nice?
Cassie M. Martin
A&R Director, Yacht Rock
SiriusXM
Dear Mr. Wilson:
RE: Email of August 17th, 2021.
I’m sorry that you feel you have to threaten Yacht Rock on SiriusXM, channel 17, with the complete removal of all your songs. I will tell our team to remove both of them from the playlist.
And you were wrong; I did listen to your album: There are no vocals at all, and each track is just smooth jazz versions of your old hits, which, as I’ve explained, we don’t play because of their low Yachtski rating.
Want my advice? See if you could get Kenny Loggins or Michael McDonald (true Yacht Rockers) to record words to the songs. Otherwise, you might seek out either our Spa channel or Elevations channel. Both cater to soft jazz and play this type of thing. To that end, I have forwarded the original inquiry and your CD to Rina Switherson, A&R Director of those departments.
Wishing you an endless summer, :)
Cheers,
Cassie M. Martin
A&R Director, Yacht Rock
SiriusXM