As Comedians, It’s Our Job to Be Irreverent and Dangerous and to Open Portals to Hell By Reciting Dark Incantations from Spellbooks We Found in a Haunted Attic
“Comedians did not sign up to be your hero. It’s our job to be irreverent and dangerous, to question authority and take you through a spooky mental haunted house so you can arrive at your own conclusions. Stay focused on the people we pay taxes to to [sic] be moral leaders.” – Whitney Cummings, defending fellow comedian Joe Rogan, who used the n-word and other racial slurs on past episodes of his podcast.
It seems like nobody can take a joke these days. Every week, some comedian is getting canceled for the mere crimes of endangering millions with misinformation and having a history of racist behavior.
When did censorship in this country get so bad that people are allowed to have a negative opinion about someone, and suddenly that person has to face devastating real-world consequences like not as many people listening to their podcast? We’re practically exiling these edgy comics and freethinkers to Siberia. Except instead of the Russian Arctic, it’s Beverly Hills, and instead of a lifetime of grueling labor, they get to keep doing what they were doing before but with slightly less attention, which to a straight cis white man who’s never experienced adversity is an equivalent punishment.
Why are comedians being silenced when it has always been our job to be irreverent and dangerous, and to occasionally open portals to hell by reciting dark incantations from spellbooks we found in the attic of the bed and breakfast we were staying at in the Poconos?
Comedians are expected to conform to all kinds of new and ridiculous societal norms, like not needlessly putting people’s lives in danger. But guess what? We’re not here to “be your hero,” or to “not actively cause harm,” or to “make you laugh.” So if there’s a racial stereotype that was funny to joke about in the ’90s, you better believe we’re going to keep making the exact same joke about it. And if we’re staying at the Gehenna Inn in Devil’s Hole, Idaho, because our friend Dave said it was “hella haunted,” and we sneak upstairs to explore the attic in the middle of the night like a white protagonist in a horror movie, and we find a dusty grimoire with fangs on the cover and a note that says BEWARE MORTAL FOR YOU CANNOT GRASP THE EVILS CONTAINED IN THIS TOME, you bet your sweet ass we’re going to open up that puppy and recite some shit from it. You say chanting wicked spells from a demonic manual would be irresponsible. We say it would be irresponsible not to.
Twenty years ago, comedians could say whatever we wanted: gay jokes, the n-word, a couple of stanzas of black magic in an ancient tongue. We were rebels. We flipped society the bird and told everyone we didn’t like exactly where they could stuff it. And yeah, sometimes people would get offended, and yeah, sometimes a glowing pentagram would appear on the stage, followed by a booming voice demanding a blood sacrifice, and the emcee would have to pick a random member of the audience to stab through the heart with a twisted dagger to appease the gods of the underworld. But so what if we damned the occasional innocent person to an eternity of wandering the fiery hellscapes of the Abyss? I’m pretty sure banishing souls to hell is a protected form of speech, and if it isn’t, it should be.
Comedy isn’t humor; comedy is a Pandora’s Box of horrors beyond human comprehension. And the sooner the woke liberal mob understands that, the better. Every joke should summon the shrieks of a million banshees, their horrific howls instantly driving anyone unfortunate enough to hear them to insanity. If that’s not happening, you aren’t pushing the envelope far enough.
We shouldn’t trust scientists or the mainstream media, and must instead place our trust in the cryptic runes and satanic canticles contained in the devil’s book. The liberal establishment doesn’t want you to read the twisted strophes and malevolent hymns of this fiendish volume, and that is precisely why we must repeat its cursed verses at the top of our lungs until the hellmouth has opened and the creatures of the shadowy depths purify us with their unholy fire.
And if you don’t like it, shut the hell up. Otherwise, we’ll have no choice but to unleash the beasts of the underworld on you until you’ve been silenced. After all, we’re entitled to free speech.