What the Hell Else Has to Happen for You to Get Off Your Butt and Vote?

Iced lattes become illegal, oat milk outlawed

Every American citizen required to purchase a hundred dollars’ worth of My Pillows per month

Christian prayer now required before pumping gas

Registered Democrats must wear crying emoji badge

You’ll be told, “COVID’s over, asshole,” on every flight where you wear a mask¹

New 200% sales tax on White Claw

Netflix menus nothing but Dinesh D’Souza and Kirk Cameron movies

All the books your kids should be reading to make them well-rounded adults: BANNED at libraries¹

The new voice of your GPS: Marjorie Taylor Greene

People think it’s okay to break into the homes of lawmakers and beat up their spouses because politics¹

Keanu Reeves extradited to Canada for being too nice

Instead of pushing common-sense gun laws after multiple school massacres, Texas governor opts to send DNA body-identifying kits to parents¹

Herschel Walker offers to pay for your mom’s abortion

Anti-Semitism is back, baby!¹

An elected congresswoman pushes QAnon conspiracy theories, including the whopper that COVID was artificially developed in a lab and paid for by Dr. Fauci¹

Drivers license test now includes reciting the Ten Commandments while parallel parking

Insurrectionists storm America’s capitol, smear feces on the floor, beat up police, and attempt to kill lawmakers. Half of America: “no biggie” ¹

Comically obvious supervillain buys Twitter, and it devolves into a complete hellscape in under twenty-four hours¹

Legal migrants seeking work shipped on buses across the country like cattle just for the lulz¹

Supreme Court votes no more affirmative action¹

Women lose bodily autonomy¹

President Donald Trump Jr.

¹ Wait, that already happened—or will soon. ELECTION DAY IS NOVEMBER 8TH. VOTE.